Observing German(s)…

The cops knuckled under and came through with the brew but it was terribly warm today, as was the beer, and the confused criminal let the woman go before fully realizing what hit him, but clearly didn’t really care by then.

Some days, if it wasn’t for dumb crime, the Germans wouldn’t have any crime at all.

Hände hoch oder es flenst!

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No-go areas are nothing new in Germany, of course, but now no-drive areas, too? This will be sure to get everybody with big, gas-guzzling cars all hot and bothered, and that’s practically everybody who lives around here, too, as far as I can tell.

Sixty cars have gone down in Kreuzberg and the neighboring districts so far in 2008, but the year has just begun, sort of. So for any of you out there who haven’t joined in the fun yet, follow these simple directions and you’ll be burning other people’s offensive private property in no time, too (thanks Deutsche Welle): “The preferred method is to ignite a chemical firelighter of the kind used to start a barbecue fire and place it at a strategic spot under the car. The arsonist has plenty of time to make a relaxed getaway before the flames take hold.”

Damn. I knew that Kreuzberger nights were long and all, but hot, too? Like this, I mean? I honestly had no idea.

What would Dirty Harry do?

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I know what you’re thinking: An advice bureau for stalkers? What, advising them how to stalk better or what? Nichts da (no way). This outreach center is actually designed to help cure those poor and unfortunate victims who have even poorer and more unfortunate victims that are still out of reach for them. At least for now, huh, huh, huh.

You know, explain to these guys, in this case during the course of 16 well-meant and emotionally-bonding counseling sessions, how it is that most people don’t consider stalking to be very polite or nice and how their obsession, although certainly no fault of their own, is often even perceived as being socially unacceptable and socially irresponsible behavior (or misbehavior if you prefer) and maybe even, as some would say, socially criminal, or criminal, at the very least.

Anyway, other countries have attempted similar anti-stalking programs in the past - in my country, for instance, we call it “jail” - but none have addressed the wants and the needs of the stalker himself with anywhere near the depth and efficiency that this one does, or should.

It’s called The Stop Stalking Office or something, by the way, but I couldn’t find their link anywhere. I do think I know where they are located, though. And now I am going to go out there and find them and observe them, long and hard, no matter what, again and again.

Neue Lebensinhalte braucht der Mensch.

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PS: I would buy stalk in this company. Get it?

Some even call it Art. One guy I knows even calls it Fred. Ha, ha, just kidding. Yes, Berlin is probably the most “tagged” or “bombed” city in Europe, and we’re not just talking B-17s here anymore, either. And that’s a wonderful thing, I suppose, because it wasn’t all that long ago that it used to be called vandalism, too. But that’s like just so totally negative, man. Graffiti with a capital G is actually “celebrated as street art and even regarded as an integral component of Berliner Strassenkultur (street culture)”, you see, although I haven’t met anyone here yet who is doing any celebrating about it. But, then again, I’m old and gray and in the way.

And speaking of capitalization… Now that the Japanese have surrendered (another veiled reference to “bombed” again, although those weren’t B-17s) and the Sony Center has been taken over be evil American locust types, just think of all that Fläche (area) available to spray up with industrial design downtown (uptown?) now.

Graffiti ist Kommunikation!

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In light of the ever-growing tension caused by what now appears to be a well-organized and concerted, nation-wide foreign delinquent rebellion, the German government, or the state of Hessen at least, is said to have now begun planning an hourly train connection to its new and quite distant “Gulag Germania” high-security re-education facility located somewhere near Krasnoyarsk, Siberia.

Berlin’s governing mayor, Klaus Wowereit, called the provocation racially motivated and said it was “intolerable or something”, adding “If Berlin had any money, we would organize one of those camp thingies, too. Berlin used to be leading in this field, you know.”

CDU spokesmen in Berlin couldn’t agree more but don’t really want to do it right-now-at-this-moment-publicly because the populist rhetoric re-election campaign launched by Hessen’s Minister President Roland Koch has slowly but surely begun to blow up in his happy Hessian face.

Fass Blondie! Fass!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

PS: The Hessians fought with the British way back when when we didn’t like them and stuff, you know.

Well-known for their zany, offbeat humor, and being natural, vocal victims in every conceivable circumstance in which practically nothing is asked of them (and of course practically nothing ever is), Germans everywhere are wetting their pants in hilarity at the stunt.

“Get it?” asked one knee-slapping, smoking slob. “By exploiting the murder of Jews in order to symbolize my desire to smoke, that’s, well, simply too funny for words. So that’s why they used the star instead. See?”

Certain humorless groups and other easily-offended types are said to have found the T-shirt action less then humorous and offensive, but that is only to be expected in this humorless and rather offensive age of ours in which we live, but hey, it’s a living.

That anti-anti-smoking T-shirt is a real gas.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

PS: Thanks for the black bastard and anti-tobacco links, Indeterminacy. The hoax link, too.

Thirteen bottles of beer on the wall,
Thirteen bottles of beer!
Take three down,
Pass them around,
Ten bottles of beer on the wall!

We have ways of making you talk (think Volksmusik).

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