Observing German(s)…

Some welfare charlatan called “Teneriffa-Peter” (his last name must have been just too hard to pronounce) was cashing in at the Sozialamt back home in Germany for years while living it up in a villa down south in Tenerife. This is outrageous and unacceptable and, uh, un-German or something, of course.

“Thinking socially” has a long tradition and is big medicine in Germany, you see. That’s why anti-social thinking and fraud has become such a popular Volkssport (national pastime) here, I assume (Germans are fundamentally schizophrenic, you know). And that’s why shows like this get such good ratings. Or at least I assume they must. I wouldn’t know, haven’t got the numbers or checked this one out yet.

Of course, now that I think of it, snitching on people and witch hunts have quite a long tradition and is big medicine in Germany, too. Maybe that has more to do with the good ratings, should there be any. Just a thought.

Anyway, the real problem here, I think, is thinking that social welfare systems can ever be fair somehow, mercilessly or otherwise. If they can be abused, and they can all be abused, they will be. I can’t help but think that they get abused the best here, though. But here I go running my mouth off being anti-social again.

War das schon wieder gnadenlos Ungerecht von mir?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit!

Marburg is so green that the traffic lights there also have three
colors; green, green and green.

Green? This city’s primary export is chlorophyll.

The only reason they say hello to you on the street there is to
be environmentally friendly.

We’re talking green, folks. The bicycles in Marburg are not
only recyclable, they’re edible.

The Marburgers only take one short shower once a month.
Together.

Marburg is so green that their cows have been taught not to
emit CO2.

Talk about a green town. Flowers regularly fall out of the sky
and their lampposts bloom in the spring.

Reminiscent of the Cold War “red phone” to Moscow, the mayor
of Marburg has a direct connection to Germany’s Ministry for the
Environment, only it’s… You guessed it.

Green? People who drive through Marburg in Hummers mysteriously
disappear and are never seen or heard of again.

“100 Prozent Erneuerbare Energien sind nötig.”

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit!

I dare you to say that out loud ten times really fast. That’s a normal length for a German sentence, by the way. 

Folks here don’t like news like this because it could make other “Iraqis” out there like these Iraqis angry at them and that would make them, the Germans, feel bad because they want so desperately to be liked and are also frightened of getting their asses blown off in a plane, train or automobile (I can relate to that) and if this were to happen, Germans would then mysteriously and magically and mystically and quite suddenly become “hysterical Americans” only better and that would be the worst part of all.

So let’s move on to something completely different and more pleasant to contemplate like Obama being verboten from speaking at the Brandenburg Gate and now maybe being forced to speak at an old abandoned or at least condemned Airport instead which nobody here gives a hoot about anymore.

More Obama tomorrow. Or the next day. I promise.

Die Verteidigung hat Revision angekündigt.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Unfortunately for the parents who did this, that’s about as verboten as it gets in this country and now they will be spending the next three months in prison. No joke, that’s the way it goes over here. Otherwise openly suspicious of the German state’s motives concerning any other issue you care to think of, everyone seems fine with this court decision. This is because, as several German newspapers have reported, the parents did not send their kids to school “for religious reasons.”

That is a definite no, no over here. Germans are very, very touchy about the religion that used to theirs. Other forms of schooling they can talk about, they are very tolerant about that kind of stuff, but this Christian fundamentalist homeschooling mumbo jumbo has got to get nipped in the bud and pronto. Otherwise, uh, that would undermine everything this country stands for.

Schulverweigerer? Ohne Bewährung.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

And think about it. How could the result have been any different? If three million European voters are given the opportunity to be toads in the road for 500 million Europeans more, how could they not say no? That’s just what one does over here. And mit Recht (rightly so), I might add. “They” below will always vote no when given the chance after being instructed from those above to vote yes for something that nobody understands.

Well, it is Friday the 13th after all. So… Today the pits, tomorrow the wrinkles. Europe marches on.

Die EU wieder gescheitert, schnarch.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Nobody has anything against owning a few AK 47s of course, but a Flak 38 in your garage? Well, that’s the kind of stuff German special forces cops might find when raiding law-abiding German homes around Halle, Treptow (in Berlin), Schwerin or who the hell knows where else these days.

More than 40 weapons, hundreds of weapons parts and 17,000 rounds of ammunition were found during this latest raid in the Land of Gun Control. But don’t get the wrong idea or anything, all of these weapons fall under the German Kriegswaffenkontrollgesetz (War Weapons Control Act) and are completely illegal and absolutely verpönt (frowned upon) by everyone here, the owners included.

By the way, this special German Control Act law thingy ensures that the world’s third largest weapons exporter carefully controls the quality of each and every weapon before leaving the country, or in this case before staying here, or at least I think that’s what this law must mean, thus offering a de facto guarantee for that Made in Germany mark of excellence weapons freaks everywhere around the world have come to love and expect. So order now!

Besitz und Handel sind strengstens verboten solange der Vorrat reicht.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar doch.

PS: Thanks for the Rheinmetall link, anonymous.

So that’s probably why Chancellor Merkel’s CDU is about to unveil a totally way cool and original new foreign policy platform idea which has never been tried before in the Western World and has been custom-made just for Germany. It goes like this: They are planning to consolidate most of Germany’s foreign policy authority directly within Merkel’s Chancellery and thereby create a super-special-super-staff which will then have the capacity to coordinate security policy right there! Wow. Why didn’t we think of that? They are going to call it “the National Security Council”, I think, only in German, which will make it sound even more secure. Or maybe they’ll just call it the mini-National-Security-Council-me instead.

None of those reckless, American-style experiments here folks. And it only gets better. Word is that they are also going to propose that Germany take steps to better protect itself from the threat of a nuclear attack from so-called rogue states (no, not France - they mean Iran or something) by supporting the introduction of something they are planning to call “a missile defense shield over Europe”. This is friggin’ brilliant if you ask me, which you won’t, but for that I’m now asking myself why didn’t any of those Schlafmützen (sleepyheads) back in Washington ever think of this. I mean, like what the hell do these people get paid for anyway?

The SPD seems to be against all of this for some reason and has ordered her talking head types to continually repeat the mantra “American-style mistakes, American-style mistakes…”, which wasn’t really necessary because that belongs to their standard mantra repertoire already but sicher ist sicher (better safe than sorry).

Amerikanische Verhältnisse bis zum Umfallen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

I know what you’re thinking: An advice bureau for stalkers? What, advising them how to stalk better or what? Nichts da (no way). This outreach center is actually designed to help cure those poor and unfortunate victims who have even poorer and more unfortunate victims that are still out of reach for them. At least for now, huh, huh, huh.

You know, explain to these guys, in this case during the course of 16 well-meant and emotionally-bonding counseling sessions, how it is that most people don’t consider stalking to be very polite or nice and how their obsession, although certainly no fault of their own, is often even perceived as being socially unacceptable and socially irresponsible behavior (or misbehavior if you prefer) and maybe even, as some would say, socially criminal, or criminal, at the very least.

Anyway, other countries have attempted similar anti-stalking programs in the past - in my country, for instance, we call it “jail” - but none have addressed the wants and the needs of the stalker himself with anywhere near the depth and efficiency that this one does, or should.

It’s called The Stop Stalking Office or something, by the way, but I couldn’t find their link anywhere. I do think I know where they are located, though. And now I am going to go out there and find them and observe them, long and hard, no matter what, again and again.

Neue Lebensinhalte braucht der Mensch.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar doch.

PS: I would buy stalk in this company. Get it?