Observing German(s)…

And German journalists are pretty cool about the situation, too. They’re even downright chilled, if you ask me, as if they were all on valium (or whatever the drug for that is these days). Check this out:

“At some point the financial crisis will be overcome. And there will still be a Wall Street, but its character will have changed. The investment boom has been just like any capitalistic excess: What’s useful will remain. As the robber barons of the 19th century carried out their railway wars, money was stripped from countless investors, but in the end the United States got an efficient railroad network. In the current crisis, assets totalling billions have been destroyed, but important innovations will remain — including the new technologies for securitizing loans and financial derivatives — innovations that can have a positive impact when they are applied in a properly regulated market.”

I like reading stuff like this. It reminds me of Clint Eastwood or something, especially when reading about that 19th century railway war part. You know, like when he blows up the railroad trestle together with Shirley MacLaine (rhymes with McCain, ever think of that?) a half an hour after getting a burning arrow hammered out of his freakin’ shoulder and still drunk on two bottles of whiskey. And that whiskey part is an important metaphor or something too, I think. The parallel between being drunk on two bottles of whiskey and our current financial market situation must be pretty obvious to even the most optimistic of y’all out there.

Anyway, we’re all drunk on two bottles of whiskey right now. Or maybe the Germans are. One of us is bound to sober up pretty soon though and figure out what the hell is really going on. Or down, I should say.

Wo bleiben meine Medikamente?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

The CDU politicians have demanded that Schroeder’s invitation be withdrawn. They find it strange that Moscow’s chief Gazprom mafia, I mean corporation lobbyist should be explaining to Germans how to best formulate their energy policies, although he does speak perfect German, albeit with a slight Russian accent now. Some of these suspicious politicians even suspect what Schroeder could be trapped in what used to be called “decent folks” used to call “a conflict of interest.”

As for Schroeder, he can absolutely no way no how understand how anyone could ever possibly get the idea that he would ever represent Moscow’s interests favorably, just because he’s being paid by a sinister Russian gas monopoly to do so, I mean. The next thing you know they’ll be calling him a useful idiot. They hurt his feelings, in other words. And I, for one, think that everybody should apologize and be friends again. And then withdraw the invitation.

Lobbyist: A person who attempts to persuade (to lobby) politicians to vote in a certain way.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

The televised request, issued during a Russian news circus performance held in Moscow over the weekend, caught many Russia-understanding Germans off-guard, Steinmeier included. “Why, I don’t understand. Quickly giving in under pressure that isn’t even there yet has always worked well for us in the past,” a perturbed Steinmeier is reported to have told his perturbed staff. “What does this guy expect us to do anyway, play hard to get or something? Why, I’ve got more important stuff to do than waste my time with this Georgia crap all day.”

But Kremlin sources believe that Putin’s concerns are more of a stylistic nature. “It just doesn’t look good, I mean convincing,” the monotone Medvedew went on to say. “Nobody with any common sense out there believes that we could ever get away with this invasion and these new puppet states of ours (South Ossetia and Abkhazia) if the international community would just stand up and say no with one voice, and mean it.”

I mean, it’s not like we’re ten feet tall or anything Frank,” the awkwardly stiff Russian President said while being shoved offstage. “Even I can
see that, and I am made entirely of wood.”

Die Russen sind halt aus einem anderen Holz geschnitten.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

“This is an outrage,” said one outraged German, sunning himself
while reading a Bildzeitung at an undisclosed Baltic beach location.
“Our high quality and highly profitable weapons are only sold to nice
people who never use them, never to rebellious thugs like these.
Otherwise somebody might get hurt, you know? I’m outraged, like
I said. Let’s see what else is in the news.”

According to German law, all German arms export sales must be
kept as secret as Germanly possible and never discussed openly
or questioned or even seriously addressed in public before they
are then approved by mysterious and nameless black-dressed
elements within what they call “the government”. Those occasional
exports not approved, like these, then later find themselves in the
country in question anyway. Then everybody gets outraged for a
few minutes, as Germany’s political correctness and aggressive
pacifism might otherwise be called into question. It’s a complex
law.

“I’m outraged, too,” said an overweight nude lady sunning next to
the first outraged guy. “Me, too,” said the outraged guy selling the
ice cream. “Anybody want a Magnum?”

German gun control in action.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Damn. Whether it’s the lucrative contracts Germany is now pursuing
in say, civil war-torn Iraq (which civil war I can’t say for sure right now
because the ARD announces a new one each week) or this latest
bold move clearly aimed at weakening Iran’s mullah regime by
liquefying lots of their natural resources i.e. 100 million dollars of
their oil money and shipping the later back to Berlin, Germany is on
a mega-ultra roll these days when it comes to seeking peace in the
Middle East (liquefied natural gas produced in German plants can
only be used for peaceful purposes by the way, in case you were
wondering, which I doubt).

If I were of a suspicious nature, or the cynical type, or even a
European, I could suspect that Germany is undertaking this
latest impressive peace initiative of theirs because they’re
only in it for the oil. But thank goodness I’m not that way at
all. I’m just a prick.

Aber genehmigt wurde erst nach einer zwölfmonatigen Überprüfung.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

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Wer will junge, aufstrebende Akademiker überhaupt?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Today’s post is brought to you by Blogger News Network.

It’s a sin for you to get a Mexican divorce, I mean marriage.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

As one professionally concerned German union has pointed out time and time again in its muckraking not-quite-a-best-seller-yet Schwarz-Buch Lidl Europa (The Black Book on Lidl in Europe), Lidl’s staff, some 200,000 strong, have put together a shockingly long list of shocking complaints about shocking work conditions so hard, unfair, demeaning and, uh, shocking, that most American workers would not even notice them.

It is unclear at this time just when this next German invasion will take place, but the odds are good that this one might acutally work for once and we, as in you, will soon be subjected to, enjoy and become hooked on Lidl’s daily bargain-basement prices and unfriendly overworked American staff, all of this turning you of course into a mindless, willing slave of Kapital as if you weren’t that already, already.

“Diese Woche: Schöne Bad-Ideen!“

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro.

PS: Thanks for the ALDI link, Indeterminacy. Oh man. It’s all over now.

And these greater “new age” threats are so obvious that they’ve got the folks over at Neues Deutschland, for instance, really concerned about it, too (they are still communists or communist throwbacks you know, pun or whatever intended, and therefore know a whole lot about the Cold War). Not only that, the even more concerned folks over at the taz are even more concerned than usual, as usual, which is another concern we should all be concerned about. Why even the good-old Deutsche Welle is making a Welle (wave) about all these dad gum weapons that are being sold all over the place. American weapons, versteht sich (that is). Or at least that’s the undertone. It always is.

You see “the hope remains that after Bush more moderation will prevail in the USA” when it comes to weapons production and sales. I agree. Everybody loves moderation and I, for one, am convinced that American moderation is about to have a real hay day after the coming election (whether the next President’s name is then Obambi or McCain).

But what bothers me a bit is the lack of any concern concerning the moderation of German weapons proliferation (number three weapons exporter der Welt). Weren’t any of these five peace research institutes (or any of the others) aware of this fact? Neither Neues Deutschland nor the taz made any reference to this peinliche (embarassing) fact. The Deutsche Welle did, however. If you look REAL closely, there in the second to last sentence. Sort of. I guess everybody was just trying to set a good example for Washington again and be more moderate by not, uh, mentioning it, or something. Some things you just don’t talk about.

„Frieden zu schaffen ist schwieriger als Krieg zu führen.“

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar, doch.