Observing German(s)…

I’m starting to suspect that there may be something going on “out there”, maybe even something big. Could be it’s an earthquake or something, or maybe a tsunami or perhaps a big landslide, or maybe even the exact opposite of a big landslide. Hard to say for sure until I finally shut up and turn on the friggin’ TV though, right? What do you think? Should I? Honest? Right now? Okay, I’ll listen to you. Just this once.

Have a nice day. And may the force be with you. Or was that a bit too Hollywood? Heaven help us then (it always does), and may the force be with all of us.

But Schadenfreude will be Schadenfreude, I guess. Especially when in comes to women in politics, or at least I have to assume that’s what all the Schadenfreude over here over this is all about. Women are clearly not cut out for politics, you see. Or, uh, maybe doch? Or at least not for high offices maybe they’re not. Hard to say. Unless it’s the German Chancellor high office, I mean. Exceptions make the rules you know.

Now, I know that this type of thing sounds ridiculous to a lot of you out there reading this right now (the part about what’s-his-name winning, I mean), but stranger things have happened, you know. No, seriously. I’ve got two words for you here: Al Gore, for instance (that was actually four).

But that is neither here nor there. My concern is the awful cultural bloodletting that would take place in Hollywood and elsewhere across our great nation should what’s-his-name stumble into office doch (after all). Jürgen Prochnow isn’t the only Kulturschaffender (someone who “creates” culture) who has threatened to jump ship, I mean Boot, you see. Wim Wenders has threatened to do the same, too. No, wait. That was a few years back with George W. Bush. So he’s already gone, I guess.

Then there’s Pink (I always suspected Pink was actually red). And don’t forget Tina Fay, who said that she will even leave the planet if what’s-his-name’s running mate wins. And this is really amazing stuff because I hadn’t even been aware of the fact that Pink and Tina Fay were German in the first place.

But it wouldn’t stop there folks. Even non-Germans would leave the county. There’s Madonna, for instance. Sure she’s already gone, but if what’s-his-name wins she might just stay gone for good and, well, who could possibly want that? Then there’s the Brad and Angie factor, living in Berlin right now of all places (or was it Brad and Janet?), along with their hostage kids. I shudder to think about what they might decide to do if you-know-who doesn’t bring in the bacon next week. Like maybe decide to stay here for good or something. As I said, I shudder already.

But it doesn’t have to end this way, my friends. No. You, my fellow Americans, you can do something about this nightmarish scenario. And you will, on Tuesday. I mean, you will won’t you, please? Do your duty or something and all that? You promise? Do it for Jürgen. Do it for Pink. Do it for the rest us culture consumer-types out there so dependent upon all that culture they and those like them create. And do it for Berlin while you’re at it. Believe me, it would be better for Berlin, too. Not that you could care less or anything, but still. 

Thank you for your time.

Die letzten Worte eines U-Bootfahrers: “Hier sollte mal gelüftet werden!”

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PS: If any of you out there know of any other celebrity types who have made similar dramatic pronouncements, please let me know and I will gladly add them to the list. While there’s still time to do so, I mean.

The well-planed attack, Obama’s war machine using its tried-and-true dumb-dumb bullets with biographical tidbit tips (only this time doing a complete end-run around Belgium for once), aired simultaneously on seven major television stations before a second front was established on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart a mere hour later, only then to be followed by a breathtakingly rapid deployment of the two-pronged offensive kind in Florida, where General Beauregard Bill Clinton came in the rear, so-to-speak.

Independent media experts (ha, ha, ha) estimate that the attacks cost approximately $497,623,942.37, chump change once you consider what the Generalissimo has “taken in” during all of his other previous and quite glorious campaign months (he gathered $150 million in September alone). Who says money can’t buy you love?

It is unclear at the moment if the nation has in fact surrendered or not. Communication lines are down. Real communication, I mean. But reports are out that many worried Americans have now begun a panicked exodus to the southwestern region of the country in the hopes that this yet unoccupied southern “free zone” might eventually harbor a new democratic regime’s administrative center, perhaps in Vichy, Nevada, say. Or maybe in Las Vegas.

“The sales-job is always better than the product.”

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