Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Take this brother, may it serve you well
Tired of continually being asked “Where was the wall?” by all of those countless tourists who come to visit the city every year, a Berlin company called Mauerguide has “like had it totally up to here” or something and will start handing out hand-sized minicomputers next week which will show these annoying Quälgeister (nuisances) just where the damned thing stood already.
They’ll be handing them out for a hefty fee, of course, but this being a way cool and high-speed new economy type technology, everybody will understand and shell out the bucks, they hope.
Linked to global positioning satellites, these handy little Handy-like devices (a cell phone is called a Handy here) will show anyone with a need to know not only where the infamous Cold War monstrosity once stood (practically all of it is gone today, that’s why everybody keeps asking), they will virtually be able to take a virtual tour along the near 100 miles of virtual thing. Which, of course, virtually no one with any sense will do.
It’s not a bad idea as far as gadgets go, I guess. But while they’re at it, why don’t they offer a plug-in virtual guide to other frequently asked about location stuff? You know, like a Hitler’s bunker or forgotten tunnels module, or a “Doesn’t Heidi Klum live here anywhere?” unit. Who knows? Before too long they might even offer a “Where was old Tempelhof airport?” plug-in.
“After fifty feet, run into the Sony Center. Then turn right.”
They’ll be handing them out for a hefty fee, of course, but this being a way cool and high-speed new economy type technology, everybody will understand and shell out the bucks, they hope.
Linked to global positioning satellites, these handy little Handy-like devices (a cell phone is called a Handy here) will show anyone with a need to know not only where the infamous Cold War monstrosity once stood (practically all of it is gone today, that’s why everybody keeps asking), they will virtually be able to take a virtual tour along the near 100 miles of virtual thing. Which, of course, virtually no one with any sense will do.
It’s not a bad idea as far as gadgets go, I guess. But while they’re at it, why don’t they offer a plug-in virtual guide to other frequently asked about location stuff? You know, like a Hitler’s bunker or forgotten tunnels module, or a “Doesn’t Heidi Klum live here anywhere?” unit. Who knows? Before too long they might even offer a “Where was old Tempelhof airport?” plug-in.
“After fifty feet, run into the Sony Center. Then turn right.”
Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Things You Won't See in Berlin
Okay, okay. Everybody has to go on vacation sometime.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Bed Bagging Bingo
Although millions of British vacationers have observed and openly criticized this phenomenon over the decades (as recently noted here, for instance), this appears to be the first time that German “bed bagging” has led to an international incident on the open seas. Well, technically speaking it was the mere mention of this “Germanic behavior” which led to the incident. But the captain of the ship did the mentioning, so there.
Genetically programmed to reserve deckchairs with their beach towels whenever and wherever they find them (whether they will actually be using the damned things later is of course quite another matter) Germans are understandably quite touchy about any reference made to this bizarre compulsive behavior of theirs. That is probably why it has become a kind of long-standing national joke for the British and is mentioned by them at every possible opportunity.
Unfortunately for Captain Chritopher Wells of the Oceana, a cruise ship on a 15-day visit to the Caribbean last month, a few humorless and politically correct human rights watchdog Spitzel (informant) types were on board his vessel taking notes when he jokingly announced that he did not want to see any of that kind of bed bagging “Germanic behaviour” aboard his ship (that’s right, this time behaviour is spelled with a u because he’s British, long-winded folks they are).
Captain Wells was then promptly accused of racism and something called the Equality and Human Rights Commission has now launched an inquiry into claims that he insulted the German nation which has apparantly never been done before. Well at least not out there on the high seas like that when it isn't a warship, I mean.
His German wife was probably shocked at the comments herself as he most likely ripped them off from her. She has not yet decided to press charges, however.
Typisch Deutsch. Or was it typically British?
Genetically programmed to reserve deckchairs with their beach towels whenever and wherever they find them (whether they will actually be using the damned things later is of course quite another matter) Germans are understandably quite touchy about any reference made to this bizarre compulsive behavior of theirs. That is probably why it has become a kind of long-standing national joke for the British and is mentioned by them at every possible opportunity.
Unfortunately for Captain Chritopher Wells of the Oceana, a cruise ship on a 15-day visit to the Caribbean last month, a few humorless and politically correct human rights watchdog Spitzel (informant) types were on board his vessel taking notes when he jokingly announced that he did not want to see any of that kind of bed bagging “Germanic behaviour” aboard his ship (that’s right, this time behaviour is spelled with a u because he’s British, long-winded folks they are).
Captain Wells was then promptly accused of racism and something called the Equality and Human Rights Commission has now launched an inquiry into claims that he insulted the German nation which has apparantly never been done before. Well at least not out there on the high seas like that when it isn't a warship, I mean.
His German wife was probably shocked at the comments herself as he most likely ripped them off from her. She has not yet decided to press charges, however.
Typisch Deutsch. Or was it typically British?
Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Talk about your wild blue yonder…
Scientists have yet to properly explain why it is that Germans are always taking their clothes off whenever not physically restrained from doing so, but an industrious travel agency doesn’t want to wait and has decided to capitalize on this immodest compulsion by offering a special nudist flight package to the popular Baltic Sea beach resort of Usedom.
The Internet-based travel agency OssiUrlaub (Easty or Easterner Vacations) focuses upon eastern Germany’s high proportion of naked Germans, this portion of the nation’s population inexplicably more inclined to take their clothes off than the Germans in the western part of the country are (which is saying a lot), and this despite their immediate proximity to chilly Russian air currents, vicious jellyfish and sand crabs at the beach.
The air carrier the agency will be booking, Jaybird Airlines, checks no baggage of any conceivable kind and asks only that passengers flying with them bring along at least one large beach towel to sit upon, please. Ha, ha. Just joking.
And always make sure that you never book the same flight that your boss has.
Actually I meant more leg room, sir. Not more leg.
The Internet-based travel agency OssiUrlaub (Easty or Easterner Vacations) focuses upon eastern Germany’s high proportion of naked Germans, this portion of the nation’s population inexplicably more inclined to take their clothes off than the Germans in the western part of the country are (which is saying a lot), and this despite their immediate proximity to chilly Russian air currents, vicious jellyfish and sand crabs at the beach.
The air carrier the agency will be booking, Jaybird Airlines, checks no baggage of any conceivable kind and asks only that passengers flying with them bring along at least one large beach towel to sit upon, please. Ha, ha. Just joking.
And always make sure that you never book the same flight that your boss has.
Actually I meant more leg room, sir. Not more leg.
Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Safari so good
In an effort to combat or at least ignore the murderous tribal violence and chaos taking place in Kenya since the all too suspicious election results hastily declared in that country, German tourists are bravely or at least carelessly resisting warnings to travel there and vacationing as usual, pretty much like they do everywhere else in the world, oblivious to the political situation and the harsh conditions for the people in the countries they visit.
“Cuba and Zimbabwe were booked out again,” said one beer-soaked German tourist lounging on a beach chair somewhere near the German-speaking pool. “The flights to Burma (Myanmar) are still way too expensive – they want almost $300! And we’re tired of going to China every year. But as soon as North Korea opens up, we’re there dude.”
The horrific violence all around them has yet to bother the tourists as it is, well, all “around” them and not allowed to enter through the heavily-guarded tourist resort gates.
“But don’t get us wrong,” continued the African visitor. “We are perfectly aware that there are certain issues out there that Kenyan leaders must get a grip on. They cannot ignore the chaos around them any longer, no matter their personal ambitions and resentments. That’s our job. And don’t forget that we do all of this ignoring stuff while simultaneously pumping in tons of money to help them keep doing, uh, whatever the hell it is they do down here. Prost (cheers).”
Afrika ist ja so romantisch.
“Cuba and Zimbabwe were booked out again,” said one beer-soaked German tourist lounging on a beach chair somewhere near the German-speaking pool. “The flights to Burma (Myanmar) are still way too expensive – they want almost $300! And we’re tired of going to China every year. But as soon as North Korea opens up, we’re there dude.”
The horrific violence all around them has yet to bother the tourists as it is, well, all “around” them and not allowed to enter through the heavily-guarded tourist resort gates.
“But don’t get us wrong,” continued the African visitor. “We are perfectly aware that there are certain issues out there that Kenyan leaders must get a grip on. They cannot ignore the chaos around them any longer, no matter their personal ambitions and resentments. That’s our job. And don’t forget that we do all of this ignoring stuff while simultaneously pumping in tons of money to help them keep doing, uh, whatever the hell it is they do down here. Prost (cheers).”
Afrika ist ja so romantisch.
Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Evil Air Berlin
It doesn’t really add up, Watson (or whatever your name might be). How can concerned German environmental activists be holier-than-thou enough to present an airline company boss with an award like the Dinosaur of the Year and still go out of their way to fly with the same airline whenever they possibly can?
The German Nature Federation (NABU) has given their Dinosaur of the Year award to Air Berlin boss Joachim Hunold in recognition of his “ignorance concerning necessary climate protection measures”. Although I am sure that this guy has done his best to earn the honor (doesn’t everyone?), I am not so sure if recognition is being given to whom the recognition is really due. It is my impression that there are another 80 million Germans out there who generally do not book a flight anywhere unless it costs less than 30 euros (round trip, of course), so enough of this false modesty nonsense, Leute (people), you could use a pat on the back, too.
Of course one could counter with the argument that these environmental activist types don’t book these types of flights, but that doesn’t really add up, does it? Billigflieger (el cheapo) flights have more than doubled in number here in Germany over the past few years and being that every German any of us might be acquainted with is a dyed-in-the-wool environmentally activated climate protector type par excellence, well… You do the math.
I know, why don’t these people at NABU begin a broad-based grassroots movement to keep Germans from booking all these flights? You know, something like a “buy German and save the world” campaign by having them quit vacationing so much in foreign countries and just stay home for once? Or if they absolutely positively have to travel abroad, then they have to take the train or public transportation, or maybe walk?
I couldn’t find a campaign like that on their website (or anywhere else) right now, but I probably just overlooked it or something. I’m sure that will be the next big thing (not).
Nur Billigfliegen ist schöner.
The German Nature Federation (NABU) has given their Dinosaur of the Year award to Air Berlin boss Joachim Hunold in recognition of his “ignorance concerning necessary climate protection measures”. Although I am sure that this guy has done his best to earn the honor (doesn’t everyone?), I am not so sure if recognition is being given to whom the recognition is really due. It is my impression that there are another 80 million Germans out there who generally do not book a flight anywhere unless it costs less than 30 euros (round trip, of course), so enough of this false modesty nonsense, Leute (people), you could use a pat on the back, too.
Of course one could counter with the argument that these environmental activist types don’t book these types of flights, but that doesn’t really add up, does it? Billigflieger (el cheapo) flights have more than doubled in number here in Germany over the past few years and being that every German any of us might be acquainted with is a dyed-in-the-wool environmentally activated climate protector type par excellence, well… You do the math.
I know, why don’t these people at NABU begin a broad-based grassroots movement to keep Germans from booking all these flights? You know, something like a “buy German and save the world” campaign by having them quit vacationing so much in foreign countries and just stay home for once? Or if they absolutely positively have to travel abroad, then they have to take the train or public transportation, or maybe walk?
I couldn’t find a campaign like that on their website (or anywhere else) right now, but I probably just overlooked it or something. I’m sure that will be the next big thing (not).
Nur Billigfliegen ist schöner.
Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
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Blogs Hermann might like (not)...
- anglofritz;
- Atlantic Review
- benperry.net
- Berlin O philia
- Blog from Italy
- Books: Another Country
- bright-eyed girl
- Broke in Berlin
- Buchstaben in Bewegung
- Carnivorousness
- Cosima Underwater
- Das Unwort
- Davids Medienkritik
- E-NOUGH!
- EuroYank
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- Inside Europe: Iberian Notes
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- Magnus Becker
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- Melantry's Page
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- Never Yet Melted
- ¡No Pasaran!
- Ohligarchy
- On The Bricks
- PI
- Planet Germany
- ProseKnitic
- Radio Free Mike
- Radio Muezzin
- "Remarks of Excellence in Broadcasting"
- Schau ins Land
- Schoggo-TV
- Sistaweb
- TAPMAG
- The Age of Treason
- The Freelance Guru
- TXT
- What About Clients?
- What the heck?!
- You Bitch!
- You Heard Me!
Phrase these days:
“Auf gut deutsch:"
Literal meaning:
In proper German:
In other words:
In plain language (in other words):
"Now there arose up a new king over Egypt and he said unto his people, Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we: Come on, let us deal wisely with them; lest they multiply, and it come to pass, that, when there falleth out any war, they join also unto our enemies, and fight against us, and so get them up out of the land."
Dans les grandes choses, les hommes se montrent comme il leur convient de se montrer ; dans les petites, ils se montrent comme ils sont.
The negative views Germans hold vis-à-vis the United States are the accidental results of flawed reasoning, recklessly acquired erroneous judgments, well-intentioned but misguided teaching of parents and teachers, and unexamined acculturation. Of course the positve views are the result of that, too. But still.
Because giving makes you a better person.
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