The World Cup is bending German space and time
Help me, I’m German. Or at least that’s the feeling I got after having read “Keine Zeit und immer im Plan” by Susanne Gaschke in Die Zeit. She has painted a picture of her countrymen that is not only right on the money (for my money), she has also opened up my eyes as to why it is that they and I so frequently, no, practically always rub each other the wrong way: We are way much too alike. Relationships like that just can’t work.
Germans never have any time, you see. That’s why they (we?) don’t like to wait. They go mad when their trains or dinner guests come late. It’s a fixation of sorts, this insistence upon reliability. If things aren’t clearly structured and reliable – if they can’t be properly planned, in other words - the Germans (and those like them) begin breaking out in a rash. You don’t necessarily see it, this rash, but it’s a rash all the same. Let’s call it the reliability rash. And you’ve either got this fixation and potential rash problem or you don’t, by the way. So don’t lose any sleep over it. I’ve got it.
And why are Germans like that, you ask? It’s simple, really. People with too much time on their hands are looked upon with suspicion in this country. They always have been. They are obviously up to no good. “Real” Germans are always doing something, you see, whether they are actually doing something or not. It’s just what they do. And I have to plead guilty to this one, too.
Then there’s the German problem with German space. Not German space as in the Wernher von Braun kind of German space, German space as in you’d-better-keep-at-least-one-arm’s-length-away-from-me-buddy kind of German space. If you ever want to make a German even more nervous than he already is, step up close to him and get all up in his face. Red lights start flashing and the whole bit. Somewhere in his head, I mean. Don’t pat them on the shoulder, either. And don’t even think about giving him a hug. Unless, of course, you’re married to him or something and you’ve already had kids together. I can’t stand people up in my face, either.
So what happens? The World Cup comes along and changes all of this. It alters German space and German time. Not only is it okay that reliability and punctuality get thrown out the window, it’s welcome. It’s understood. This German time fixation has turned out to be relative after all and anything but absolute and once you relate it to the World Cup, it practically ceases to exist. German space has collapsed into itself. Nothing can be properly planned here at the moment, nothing that doesn’t have to do with the World Cup, that is. People show up to work late or not at all and if they do you’ll probably find them in a conference room somewhere with everybody else watching a match. The streets and stores are curiously empty. The area around the Brandenburg Gate is curiously full (brought about through the collapse of space?). And it’s full of people touching each other and getting all up into each other’s faces! Yuk.
Many of you who have been to this country won’t believe me, but it’s true. I know, I’ve actually skipped work myself and have been to the Fan Mile at Brandenburg Gate, too. I even yelled once and bumped into someone by accident (have it on film).
But everything I’ve ever seen on Star Trek tells me that warps in time and space don’t last forever so I’m not too worried about any of this. I’m sure that once the World Cup is over and Germany is World Champion again everything will fall back into to its proper place i.e. German space and time again. Ouch. I just reread that last sentence. How depressing. I feel myself getting a rash. Well I guess it’s back to Unter den Linden for me.
PS: Okay, okay. I was wrong. I predicted that Germany would beat Sweden 3:1 and they only won 2:0. But please note: 1) Larsson should have never missed that penalty shot, of course and 2) Ballack “misfired”, which practically never happens.
