Observing Hermann...

There have been lots of great Herrschaftsformen (ways of being ruled) in this country, but very few of them have enjoyed much longevity. Aristocracy was popular enough, but it never really caught on here like it did in other parts of Europe. Monarchy was quite popular for awhile, but it went out with a bang. Anarchy and autocracy (i.e. despotism) are generally viewed as having been dismal failures and although democracy is certainly in at the moment, the only form of rule that can be said to have any real claim to tradition is good old-fashioned bureaucracy.
 
It’s always been here. It’s in the water or something. You know; bureaucracy as in “the rule by the bureaus of appointed officials”. In other words, bureaucracies are groups of agencies which are defined by a clear hierarchy of authority and are in charge of “implementing collective choices made through political institutions.”

And more importantly, a bureaucracy is always big on 1) written rules and 2) standardized procedures and 3) the specialization of duties. And guess what? You get just one shot at guessing which country (on earth) has always been the hands-down champion when it comes to being neurotically obsessed with 1) written rules, 2) standardized procedures and 3) the specialization of duties. Congratulations, you won. And if this were Vegas you might have just won a million bucks.

And that’s where your troubles would begin. Do you have any idea what kind of bureaucratic hurdles you have to overcome when coming back to Germany with a million dollars in your suitcase? Man I had a hell of a time with that recently. But let’s move on. 

Yes, Germans are the born bureaucrats. Nature has deemed it so. And that is why I can’t fail to see the humor in the German’s failure to see the humor in the recent Bürokratie-Reform rhetoric being propagated by the current German government of Angela Merkel. I mean, doesn’t anybody get it? It’s all a big, elaborate practical joke, people – again. Practically every post-war German government since, well, the war has promised to reduce government bureaucracy. Doesn’t anybody remember Schröder’s initiative or did I dream that one up? 

It’s more than a joke, really. It’s a ritual. And we all know how hilarious they can be. The Merkel government, like all the governments before it, has absolutely no intention of reducing bureaucracy. Ich bin doch nicht blöd (I’m not stupid, after all), they’re saying to themselves behind closed doors. Bureaucracy, like the Reichstag’s glass cupola covering them, is the very agency they serve. Okay, one of them, anyway. It is certainly much bigger than them, and is ultimately more powerful, and will still be here three thousand years hence.  

And besides, who is the German government to change it? Who gave them the authority to do so? After all, German bureaucracy was established using 1) clearly defined written rules and is perfectly maintained through 2) tried and true standardized procedures by specialists highly-specialized in 3) the specialization of their duties.  

PS: There is no bureaucracy in the United States of America. It is forbidden by law. And there are several powerful agencies in place making sure that it stays that way.

Eingereicht beim Karneval zu den deutsch-amerikanischen Beziehungen