Observing Hermann...

Angela Merkel is, as the Spiegel likes to put it, “emancipating” herself from the United States of America. This is a good thing, I suppose. But I’m not absolutely sure why because I’m not German and don’t understand their strange, native ways so don’t quote me on that one please. To be honest, I don’t even really know what that’s supposed to mean. But the Spiegel is obviously referring to her incredibly popular and typically German Belehrungen (instructional assistance, you know, as a teacher instructs a child) addressed to the American government. Well, they certainly seem to be popular enough here in Germany, at least.

She began her lecture tour recently by admonishing Secretary of State Rice for the rendition of German citizen (underworld figure type German citizen, I should say) Khaled el-Masri through the CIA. She also insisted that the United States had openly admitted to having made a mistake in this matter, which was of course not the case and caused quite an uproar among the American delegation. She then went on from here to harangue and sermon, in Rice’s presence, about how morally reprehensible the entire rendition process is (a process from which Germany has directly benefited, by the way, but that’s another article) and then finished her lesson (her first in office) by explaining to the American Secretary of State what democratic principles actually are and how we in the West (just west of Poland?) must, under all circumstances, maintain our common system of values. Whew. I hope somebody was writing all of this down. This is all radically new stuff for us.

Now it’s time for her to explain Guantanamo to us. She seems to feel as if the German public needs to hear this from her and it’s amazing to witness just how Schroeder-like she can be.  Without turning red, I mean. “An institution like Guantanamo cannot exist indefinitely,” she tells us. Okay, but I think we were all aware of this already. “New ways of dealing with these prisoners must be found,” she continues. Okay, Angie, we’re all ears. I haven’t heard a single reasonable suggestion (not one) from Europe yet. Do we legitimize these prisoners by granting them prisoner-of-war status? We could, and maybe even should, but you would be the first one to be against that, too. Maybe she’s got a proposal in her pocket and is just waiting for the proper moment to lay it on the table. Or maybe not.

Everyone here is applauding her for this, of course, all across the German political spectrum. It’s understandable, too. Germans in general and German governments in particular love nothing more than to moralize about the shortcomings in areas and matters in which they themselves are in no significant way involved. On the one hand they refuse to actively contribute to help taking care of the problem in question, much less initiate anything themselves, on the other hand they feel obligated to loudly criticize and preach about anything (practically anything) undertaken by others. It’s very clever, really. If you do nothing, you can do nothing wrong. And that is apparently what gives Germans and Germany the moral authority to pass judgment upon us. They risk nothing, you see. But as the saying goes, no risk no fun and, quite frankly, the Germans do not seem to have had any fun in a long, long time.

I’m looking forward to next week’s lecture already. Angie’s already taken care of the Secretary of State. Next Friday the President himself will have the chance to get a little instruction.

And come to think of it, her lecture tour now strikes me as being more of a singing tour. She does have a pleasant enough voice, I suppose. You see, the Germans have this saying “Der Ton macht die Musik” meaning, more or less; the way the piece is performed determines how the listener “enjoys” it. Needless to say, Angela Merkel has not yet managed to hit the proper tone when singing to the United States. I hope her performance for George W. Bush next week will be a bit more successful. But I am starting to fear that she is, in fact, tone deaf.   

Der Ton macht die Musik, wirklich. Aber wenn man unmusikalisch ist?

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