Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Hello, Dalai!

Now go home again. Talk about your German Gastfreundlichkeit (hospitality).

I said hello, Dalai,......well, hello, Dalai
Its so nice to have you back where you belong (not)
You’re lookin’ swell, Dalai.......but go to hell, Dalai
You may still be glowin’...still be crowin’...but please keep movin’ on
I feel that room swayin’......while the bands playin’
One of your old Tibetan songs from way back when
So..... take his wrap, fellas.......but make sure he keeps his trap, fellas
Cause Dalai won’t ever come this way again

(all together now, and this time with feeling)

I said hello, Dalai,......well, hello, Dalai
Its so nice to have you back where you belong (not)
You’re lookin’ swell, Dalai.......but go to hell, Dalai
You may still be glowin’...still be crowin’...but please keep movin’ on
I feel that room swayin’......while the bands playin’
One of your old Tibetan songs from way back when
So..... take his wrap, fellas.......but make sure he keeps his trap, fellas
Cause Dalai won’t ever come this way again

And here’s your T-shirt that says “All I Got Was A Meeting With Red Heidi And This T-Shirt”.

Scheduling conflicts bis zum Umfallen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 18:47:54 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Germans conquering America again for the first time already or something

Only they’re trying to do it with music this time. You know, in the long tradition of Bach, Beethoven, Heino and all that? Sorry Freunde (buds), but it ain’t-a-gonna happen.



And I don’t care if the lead singer looks like Hermine from the Harry Potter movies (the first or second one maybe) only all in black and an evil-type version of her even though he’s actually a dude, although probably not quite officially yet because I think he’s just ten. Kids these days.

That’s right. Germany’s Tokio Hotel hopes to expand it’s "already-rabid fanbase” and make it big in America (and not in Japan first as you might think), once they’re big, that is. And some Americans are actually helping them, dad gum it, but like now already. They just went on Conan O’Brian for crying out loud, for instance. What is that?

It’s not that I don’t like their music or anything it’s just that I don’t like their music or anything (as if I could). They should go back to the hotel in Tokio where they started out (its spelled Tokyo by the way, Jungs, or can be) or Buxtehude or Entenhausen or wherever it is they came from as long as it’s nowhere near Berlin, and leave my country alone.

And work on your German while you’re at it. That’s right, I said German. Their English isn’t all that bad.

"That German band with the weird lead-singer chick."

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 17:55:02 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Monday, May 12, 2008

Liars, devils, lap-dogs, Hitlers, I’ve got a million of them, folks

After labelling Colombian President Uribe a liar, Mexican President Vicente Fox a lap-dog of the empire and American President Bush the devil himself, to name just a few, stand-up Venezuelan comedian Hugo “The Huge” Chavez has introduced brand new material into his act and has now begun labelling Chancellor Merkel of Germany the political descendent of Adolf Hitler.



Like a host of other Venezuelan comedians before him, Chavez has been poking fun at politicians and other world figures for years now with impunity and is well-known for never ever even coming remotely close to thinking twice about making his zany, wacky and not-so-tongue-in-cheek comments before doing so, seemingly always thrilled to be the first one to hear them first himself.

“Hey, maybe I'll say something to her (Merkel) and she'll get mad and say 'why don't you shut up?'" quipped Chavez later during his latest routine, a clear reference to Spanish King Juan Carlos' recent hilarious admonition of the loquacious and ever smart-ass Chavez that touched off a bilateral dispute with Spain, one of the many countries Venezuela now enjoys really, really rotten relations with.

After a short engagement at Caesar’s Palace later this year, Chavez plans another one night show before the United Nations General Assembly where he will then crown himself the undisputed King or maybe even Emperor of International Comedy.

“I know you’re out there, folks. I can hear you breathing.”

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 10:17:11 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Extra-vehicular Activities


alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/k6nXszGNzak

Posted by clarsonimus at 20:10:06 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Union man goes to the dark side

You’ve got to have principles if you want to get by in this world. But as long as one’s main principle is “looking out for number one”, you should get by just fine. No matter what your other part-time principles may be, I mean.



Let’s face it. If there is one thing that Germans have an absolute overabundance of it is principles. They have principles of all sizes, shapes and colors over here and keeping them well-organized and handy for whenever you might need them must be a complicated and daunting task indeed. So keeping it simple and real with this above-mentioned golden rule is probably the best way to go. It’s a no-brainer really.

That’s why I don’t understand all the excitement about train union Transnet boss Norbert Hansen’s announced switch-over to the Bahn’s board of directors. What’s so “strange”, “shameless” or even “treacherous” about that? Here in Germany, I mean. This kind of stuff happens all the time over here. After all, German politicians jump from one party to the next on a regular basis (Lafontaine, Schilly, Verheugen, Metzger, etc.) and nobody could care less about that, so why shouldn’t those in the free/unfree economy be able to do the same?

First the good fight for more pay and job security, now the good fight for maximum profit and shareholder value. What’s the difference? There is no difference. Not if you are a German manager, that is. Run with it, Norbert. You go guy.

Das ist bloß das Ergebnis einer konsequenten Politik.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

PS: But in all fairness, you can find people who do switch hitting like this all over the world, in all sorts of "political" and "principle" situations (think US presidential campaign, for instance). It's not just a provencial, German kind of thing (anymore).

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:20:11 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Friday, May 09, 2008

Holy potato, hold the ketchup

It’s usually toast, of course. And it’s usually somebody’s face. But here in Germany potatoes are generally bigger medicine than processed wheat products are. Potatoes and beer. And Germans are always cross, of course (cross, get it?).



And here in Berlin people closely examine their potatoes before cooking and eating them too, it seems (they’re less picky about the beer, though – think Schultheiss). And it’s a good thing they do, I’d say, otherwise this one lady here would have missed the latest sign from heaven. And she wasn’t even drinking any Schultheiss when it happened. She may have had a few afterwards, though.

Not that Berliners are particularly religious or anything, because they aren’t (and the few that are aren’t generally Catholic, which makes this even less fun). Not that they understand the gravity of their spiritual situation now. Nor have they ever, for that matter. Not that they will ever see that it’s time to wake up and see the light and smell the coffee and straighten up their sinful and often third-rate act, at least when it comes to brewing beer.

It’s none of my business, after all. I could care less. I just live here. I’m just saying.

Talk to the potato. Talk to the hand.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 17:18:38 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Berlin is a kowtow town

When Angela Merkel is not in town, that is. Instead of following the Chancellor’s lead and showing a little backbone by openly receiving the Dalai Lama in the German capital, German foreign minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier (SPD) will officially have other pressing engagements to attend to when the Tibetan leader comes for another visit on May 19 (Angie will be doing South America).



Steinmeier chose not to elucidate further what he will be doing that day, but sources close to him are pretty sure that it will include hiding under his desk while prostrating, kneeling and repeatedly bowing toward China in abject submission.

Clearly preferring to follow the lead of his once fearless leader Gerhard Schröder instead, Steinmeier is beleived to have a mortal fear of the mere thought of possibly ever coming even remotely close to “hurting the Chinese people’s feelings” by making such a risky move like meeting and maybe touching and possibly even talking to Mr. Lama while others are watching so he is absolutely positively determined to stay in hiding until that awful Buddhist madman goes away again.

After all, had we listened to statesmen Schröder and those like him, China and Tibet (but especially China) would not be in the awful mess they now find themselves in today.

„Zu den Gründen dafür machte er keine Angaben.“

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 17:23:35 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Americanization nation

Everybody knows that Americanization is bad. Just ask any German you may or may not know and he or she will gladly tell you so, although he/she won’t necessarily be able to tell you just why that is. Just is. And this is especially so when it comes to national foreign policy, German national foreign policy, I should say. We don’t need no education, no Americanization, I mean.



So that’s probably why Chancellor Merkel’s CDU is about to unveil a totally way cool and original new foreign policy platform idea which has never been tried before in the Western World and has been custom-made just for Germany. It goes like this: They are planning to consolidate most of Germany’s foreign policy authority directly within Merkel’s Chancellery and thereby create a super-special-super-staff which will then have the capacity to coordinate security policy right there! Wow. Why didn’t we think of that? They are going to call it "the National Security Council", I think, only in German, which will make it sound even more secure. Or maybe they’ll just call it the mini-National-Security-Council-me instead.

None of those reckless, American-style experiments here folks. And it only gets better. Word is that they are also going to propose that Germany take steps to better protect itself from the threat of a nuclear attack from so-called rogue states (no, not France - they mean Iran or something) by supporting the introduction of something they are planning to call “a missile defense shield over Europe”. This is friggin’ brilliant if you ask me, which you won’t, but for that I’m now asking myself why didn’t any of those Schlafmützen (sleepyheads) back in Washington ever think of this. I mean, like what the hell do these people get paid for anyway?

The SPD seems to be against all of this for some reason and has ordered her talking head types to continually repeat the mantra “American-style mistakes, American-style mistakes…”, which wasn’t really necessary because that belongs to their standard mantra repertoire already but sicher ist sicher (better safe than sorry).

Amerikanische Verhältnisse bis zum Umfallen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 16:33:27 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Israeli no problem of ours

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag (Happy Birthday), Israel! They’re doing their sixtieth this Thursday, you see. But don’t ever ask for help from us if the going ever gets any tougher than it already is. Military-wise, we mean. We won’t be there any more for you then than we aren’t there now for anybody else out there when the going gets tough, wherever that might be, despite our official foreign policy of explicitly stating otherwise.



Or at least that’s what most Germans think, if you want to believe the latest greatest survey out there. A mere 13 percent of Germans asked would be in favour of providing Israel with military support were that country to come under attack, again, for instance.

The young and the restless-type Germans in particular could particularly care less when it comes to what might happen to the Jewish state, too. A whopping 65 percent of those surveyed below the age of 40 do not believe that Germany has a “special responsibility” towards Israel because of its history.

That results like these seem to make Chancellor Merkel’s ritual recitation of this official “special relationship”, this “cornerstone of German policy since the days of Chancellor Konrad Adenauer”, ring hollow at best, like it has with all the Chancellors before here, well, who cares? She’s just attending a birthday party, after all, everybody here is thinking. And if push ever comes to shove we can always apologize for our official change of heart later.

Eine schöne Bescherung, oder?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 17:05:32 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Monday, May 05, 2008

Thick as a brick

Or thick as a briquette, at least. These thieves here, I mean. As if the rather disrespectful Umgang (dealings) with Lenin’s image (no, not John’s) as witnessed in yesterday’s video presentation had not been enough, souvenir-hunting burglars have broken into former East Berlin’s former Stasi headquarters and stolen one of his rare portraits, a functioning GDR telephone (also very rare), a Soviet ice hockey stick and an important communist coal briquette.



Well, I assume that it must have been important. Otherwise they wouldn’t have stolen it. It did have “30 years GDR” imprinted on it, after all. But just imagine how valuable the briquette with the “40 years GDR” imprinted on it must have been? That one’s probably been stolen long ago. And okay, East Berlin is, genau genommen (to be exact), still in East Berlin, only different. I stand corrected.

Now I know that the Stasi folks were all secret police and Volk-oppressor types before their wall came tumbling down and they became more openly politically active in the PDS, I mean Left party and all, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t disrespect their memory any more than absolutely necessary. Everybody knows you should respect the dead and let bygones be bygones and all that, especially in East Berlin. But Laurel and Hardy here obviously didn’t get it.

Therefore my appeal: Whoever you clowns are out there, please bring back the Lenin portrait and the briquette, now. Keep the telephone and ice hockey stick if you want, but bring back the other stuff. This has a lot of sentimental value for whole brigades of non-sentimental types out there, wherever they may now be. This is your history, too. You no good thieving imperialist vermin.

It’s all about political dissent, not about being politically decent.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 11:41:58 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |
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