Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Red-Red getting Nervous-Nervous

Reddish governments of any shade quickly get flustered whenever the people they govern stand up and get vocal about their policies (it would be nice to say “when the people who elected them”, but that isn’t really the case here – the people who are standing up aren’t of the reddish shade). And that is precisely what is happening with Berlin’s red-redder (SPD and the Left Party) city government in the Red Rathaus (no, not rat house, city hall) at the moment.



Clearly worried about the petition which is about to get completed calling for a referendum on Tempelhof Airport’s future, pro-active city government politician types are calling for holding the referendum at the earliest possible date possible, maybe even as soon as May. In true Berlin fashion, they ignored this issue for months on end, assuming or at least hoping that it would just go away. Now, although on the defensive, they are going to pretend that they can get the thing voted down mit Links (with the left hand – stress the left part – or easily, in other words). Well let’s just see what happens.

Anyway, with all this turmoil going on, that must be the reason why Berlin’s Mayor Klaus Wowereit decided to visit the Airport over the weekend. He wanted to calm the emotions and explain to everyone, and for the first time convincingly maybe, just why it is he is so insistent about closing the place down. Oops, false alarm. He just went to a fashion show that was being held there, you say?

West against East, Reason vs. Emotion, Past against Future? Seems to be more like Runway (airport) against Runway (fashion show), if you ask me. But of course you're not.

Hmmm. Fashion Week ist auch seit langem ein Verlustbringer und kein Aufschwungfaktor für die Stadt, oder?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:55:47 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Talk about your wild blue yonder…

Scientists have yet to properly explain why it is that Germans are always taking their clothes off whenever not physically restrained from doing so, but an industrious travel agency doesn’t want to wait and has decided to capitalize on this immodest compulsion by offering a special nudist flight package to the popular Baltic Sea beach resort of Usedom.

 

The Internet-based travel agency OssiUrlaub (Easty or Easterner Vacations) focuses upon eastern Germany’s high proportion of naked Germans, this portion of the nation’s population inexplicably more inclined to take their clothes off than the Germans in the western part of the country are (which is saying a lot), and this despite their immediate proximity to chilly Russian air currents, vicious jellyfish and sand crabs at the beach.

The air carrier the agency will be booking, Jaybird Airlines, checks no baggage of any conceivable kind and asks only that passengers flying with them bring along at least one large beach towel to sit upon, please. Ha, ha. Just joking.

And always make sure that you never book the same flight that your boss has.

Actually I meant more leg room, sir. Not more leg.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit!

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:17:10 | Permanent Link | Comments (6) |

Monday, January 28, 2008

Rückwärts immer

We can always go backwards. When in doubt, that is. Or at least that’s what a considerable portion of the Hessian electorate must have been thinking yesterday. Clearly helped by Minister President Roland Koch’s quite unnecessary, dumb, and populist “foreign criminal debate”, the SPD gained considerable ground in the Hessian state election yesterday. Worse still, the Left Party cleared the 5 percent hurdle and will now be represented in the state Parliament, too.

 

I guess they are going to call this Das Wunder von Wiesbaden or something. The Left Party is of course a madcap and wacky collection of former and current Communists and disgruntled “old Europe” ex-Social Democrat types who miss the old days when a man was a comrade and a woman was too and will do anything in their very limited power to turn back the hands of time to the age when everything ticked richtig (correctly), an age which never really existed, of course.

This shows the rest of the world how it really looks in Europe’s biggest economy when it comes to delivering on the serious economic reform promises it has so often made; not very good at all. Not even the SPD will work together with the Left Party and, although this is a good thing, the Left Party's success will now make forming a government in Hesse as difficult as it is in so many other places throughout the nation, the national government included. It will also make hesitant reformer types like Chancellor Merkel even more hesitant than she already is. But hey, you always get the government you vote for. So give the people what they want, Roland, whatever that might be this week.

„Einmal mehr zeige sich, dass die Wähler sich mindestens genauso schwer täten wie die Politik, ökonomische Gesetze zu akzeptieren.“

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:57:23 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Ostalgie


alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/eknq-4157Ho

Read about more Ostalgie stuff here.

PS: Thanks for the eBay link, Indeterminacy.
Posted by clarsonimus at 08:46:06 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Saturday, January 26, 2008

The dead live longer?

There’s this German saying I like (with biblical roots, Lazarus?) that goes “Totgesagte leben länger” (those condemned or thought dead live longer - than those who aren’t). And it appears that Berlin’s Tempelhof Airport, although not quite dead yet, might just get the chance to live up to this saying.



The petition going around town to force a referendum on the final closure of the historic airport has almost reached the 170,000 signatures needed. Unfortunately, as determined as so many Berliners (West-Berliners?) clearly are about keeping their airport open, even if just for small business flights, the more stubborn the Berlin and Brandenburg SPD are about turning off the landing lights for good.

One could think that those against re-thinking the closure of the definitive symbol of Berlin’s finest Airlift hour are doing so for purely political reasons (think the new BBI airport, firmly planted in what was once “old” East Berlin) and that they do not wish to be reminded of this particular past. But that would not be nice nor correct so don’t think it.

Anyway, let's just see what happens when the so-called ICAT-Day takes place on the weekend of 9/10 February. Public offices will be open then to accept the signatures of any Berliners still wishing to sign the petition. Personally, I hope they can still make a lot of noise before Tempelhof goes down for good. It didn't go down without a fight then (oh, that's right, it didn't go down at all), why should it do so now?

Airlift Airport? Nein danke.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:30:46 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Friday, January 25, 2008

Dalai Lama out, Beijing Cargo Express in

Tough as Jell-O as usual, the German government has once again “normalized” its relations with China after straining them severely by having had the gall to recently meet with and actually even talk to Tibetan terrorist separatist Buddhist hate monger the Dalai Lama himself. To celebrate the occasion, the Chancellery has made public a photograph of Chancellor Merkel personally showing Mr. Lama to the door.



And to celebrate that, Beijing has graciously allowed a new rail freight service to make its trail run from China to Germany in a mere 15 days. Being more than twice as fast as sea transport, it is believed that this new trans-Siberian line will make trade between Europe and Asia even easier than it is already and help China surpass Germany as the world’s third largest economic power even faster than many Germans had previously hoped.

“They’re going to cream us in no time now,” said one German economist. “We’re basically toast already, you know. But with this new train line getting jabbed into Hamburg like that, well, we might as well just roll over and die.”

It is unclear at this time what products Germany will be allowed to transport back to China on the return trip as the Chinese don’t let just any old product pass their borders. Many hope that at least a few boxcars of foreign criminals will be allowed to get dropped off in Siberia during the train’s journey back home, however.

Viertgrößte Volkswirtschaft der Welt zu sein ist auch was Schönes.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:26:04 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Thursday, January 24, 2008

High on Tilidin, Gabriel announces German speed limit

Totally buzzed on Tilidin, the latest fear-inhibiting fashion drug, German Environment Minister Sigmar Gabriel (SPD) has called the introduction of a general speed limit of 130 km/h (about 80 mph) in Germany to be inevitable. A country-wide speed limit will now be necessary in order for Germany to reach the measures set forth in the ambitious climate protection package announced yesterday by the EU Commission. The package aims at a 40 percent reduction in CO2 emissions by the year 2020.



After brashly announcing his shocking plans to a speechless German crowd, a glassy-eyed Gabriel, obviously now at home in his own private Umweltzone (environmental zone), then swaggered over to a journalist he had never much cared for and punched him squarely in the nose. As other SPD politicians then tried to bring him to reason he went completely berserk, smashing up several chairs and tables and then, running outside to jump inside “Dicker” (fat boy), his S Class 500 Mercedes, he screeched off in a cloud of CO2 to offer several dozen German helicopter policemen a run for their money (a run which they are still running now, as a matter of fact). All German Environment Minister enjoy immunity for life, you see, or at least until 2020.

Tilidin is said to make one fearless, cold-blooded and resistant to pain and has apparently become the latest drug of choice for young foreign criminal types in Berlin these days before they all get put in a Hessian boot camp or shipped off to Siberia. How a Minister for the Environment type like Gabriel, neither young nor foreign, could have gained access to the drug has yet to be determined and probably won’t be until the batch he took finally wears off.

“Kleinvieh macht auch Mist.”


PS: Thanks for the Hessians link, Pat. Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar, doch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:22:27 | Permanent Link | Comments (5) |

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Elektrosmog keeping everybody up at night

A well-known cause of stress, headaches, back pain, constipation, roughly 137 forms of cancer, heart, liver, kidney, foot and mouth disease, social unrest, inexplicably violent stock market fluctuations, earthquakes and global warming, at least among Germans, Elektrosmog from cell phones has now begun robbing them of their sleep, as well. Or of the little sleep they were able to get up until now while not worrying about Elektrosmog, I should say.



After comprehensive tests on 71 (that’s a 7 and a 1) test subjects between the ages of 18 and 45 who were locked in cold cells without clothes or blankets or bed pans or even beds and given two cell phones which were then strapped to each ear and rang at regular intervals (one time the left ear, next time the right) for days and days on end, scientists discovered that the Elektrosmog produced “significantly reduced the time it took for these test subjects to reach the deep-sleep phase.” And none of these being tested were German, either.

They also discovered that long cell phone conversations, especially those ranging between the 36 and 48 hour range, tended to cause depression among the sleep-deprived participants, especially for those on the listening end.

Upon hearing the results, the Bundesamt für Strahlenschutz (the German Federal Office for Radiation Protection) has recommended that cell phone owning Germans stop talking and turn off all cell phones immediately and then place these devices in lead boxes in the cellar until further testing can be conducted after which they will then be asked to bury these lead boxes in the backyard or have them shot into outer space.

Ruf! Mich! An!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:17:10 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Germans in jungles

Would you watch a show called „I’m a star, get me out of here“? Of course you would. As a matter of fact you already do, in your own country, I'm sure. I would, too. Or I did, once. And it wouldn’t really matter to you that you don’t know any of the stars because they are German stars, would it? And it wouldn’t really matter that these stars aren’t exactly well-known German stars because they are only B and C Class stars (tops) with a shelf life that has actually already run out otherwise they would not have allowed themselves to be placed in a jungle like that in the first place, right?



But what these Germans do to one another once they are placed in their little private Idaho jungle nest is quite another matter. It would bother you. Or at least it should. That's when they start starving them and depriving them of sleep and give them weird stuff to eat. And they do this until the weakest of these B and C Class stars have had enough (which doesn't take very long). They get malleted with enough malice and bonked with enough debasement until they break down altogether and get airlifted out and their pitiful little non-careers which never quite happened are officially over for good. You know, their silly dreams (but dreams all the same) get destroyed in public for the rest of us to enjoy. Brutal eben (brutal, that's all), the way we keep telling each other life is or has to be. I think this is also how the Romans would have done their documentary-soaps, only with more lions.

Oh really? That's exactly how it works in all the other versions of this show in all the other countries out there where this thing plays? Live and learn.

Oh well, like the Germans say: “Schadenfreude (malicious joy) is the best kind of fun.” So let’s see who gets grinded up next week. Or I’ll let you see it and just read about it in the paper the next day.

“Ich bin nicht die Zicke.“

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit!

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:12:51 | Permanent Link | Comments (9) |

Monday, January 21, 2008

Barry Bonds 762, Hank Aaron 755, Babe Ruth 714, Cruise-Goebbels 759

Coming dangerously close to beating Barry Bonds current record of 762 lifetime home runs, Tom Cruise was compared to Joseph Goebbels for the 759th time in Germany over the weekend.





“The heat is definitely on now,” said a spokesman for the German Protestant (as in Lutheran) church. “We’ve compared Scientologist Cruise to Goebbels so many times that we don’t even know the number anymore. Then you read about in the papers and see it on TV every other day or so. And now the eggheads are starting their winter offensive. I give Barry Bonds two weeks tops.”

The long-standing and clearly hysterical antagonism between Germany and the Church of Scientology escalated yet again over the weekend when a big wig expert and super-smart historian guy actually thought he was doing something new by comparing Tom Cruise's comments in a recently-surfaced Scientology video with the those of the infamous Nazi propaganda minister, Joseph Goebbels.

Prof. Dr. (take your pick he’s both) Guido Knopp has written a number of books on Hitler and co. and obviously can’t think of much anything else, nor does he seem to get out very often, and when accidentally stumbling on to one of his kids secretly watching the Cruise video in the bomb shelter downstairs, it suddenly became clear to him that the goofy Hollywood whacko sunny boy was actually subliminally informing his viewers that the tide was now turning against Nazi Germany and that really, really, desperate measures like total war and stuff were now in order or else.

Many close to the actor, currently living in Berlin to film the story of German resistance hero Claus von Stauffenberg, fear that he may now be subjected to a few desperate measures himself. Some even think that the invitations he is now receiving to attend Berlin Film Festival bashes and celebrity dinner parties could possibly be cut in half, to 764.

Und Sturm, brich los!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:10:53 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |
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