Thursday, August 30, 2007

Heino Himself mad as hell

Visibly shaken by the recent brouhaha caused by ZDF’s cancellation of the popular Volksmusik TV classic Lustige Musikanten, Heino Himself clearly finds this to be anything but lustig (merry, funny) himself and has temporarily descended from Volksmusik Olympus to vent his wrath upon young and dynamic program directors everywhere. And he’s not even dead yet or anything.



Heino Himself believes that öffentlich-rechtlich (public law) institutions like German television have the obligation to respect their viewers’ wishes. Worse still, he also believes that ZDF should broadcast more Volksmusik than they already do. He has even incited rebellion by suggesting that the invariably older Volksmusik fans and content providers like himself should start deducting one “Volksmusik euro” from the television fees they have to regularly pay here out of protest to the new ZDF policy: Finding the more commercially desirable younger target groups up to 49 years of age.

Heino Himself notes that these Volksmusik shows all still have great ratings and that the German population is actually aging, making this under-50 group less relevant than the program directors would have us believe. Unfortunately for the rest of us, these are good arguments. And Hieno Himself never rests, much less sleeps. That’s the real reason why he wears the sunglasses. So stay tuned or something.

„Karamba, Karacho, ein Whisky.“

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:28:08 | Permanent Link | Comments (7) |

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Germans actually friendly when drunk

Editors at the Deutsche Welle were more than a little surprised recently when another type of Welle (wave) consisting of three or four letters poured into their offices praising the politeness, generosity and even friendliness of their fellow countrymen. Immediately suspicious as to the authenticity of these letters, investigative reports Bodo Holtzwart and Karl Bernstein quickly delved into the matter and soon discovered that the Germans in question only behaved this way when thoroughly smashed to the gills.



“I mean what was that?” asked an incredulous Holtzwart when commenting about the juvenile hoax. “You could smell that one from 1.6 kilometers away. We’re not playing in the sandbox here, people. This is the friggin’ Deutsche Welle. And if we don’t know what Germans are really like, who does?”

“And besides,” added Bernstein. “If you take a closer look at that photo up there that one of these pranksters mailed in, anybody can see that the whole thing was rigged. That guy on the right is clearly French. Nice try, so-called visitors to Germany, but you’re going to have to get up a little earlier in the morning to get one like this by us. Again, I mean.”

The “Germans” on the said photo could not be reached for comment as they are unfortunately the figment of someone’s twisted imagination.

Ich wollte ja nur freundlich sein. Oder wenigstens so tun als ob.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:47:44 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

It’s better than working for a living

Work kills. Or at least that’s what you might read on some of the T-shirts being worn around the „9 to 5 – Wir nennen es Arbeit“ (We call it work) festival camping grounds here in Berlin this weekend. Officially an informative event for independent “digital bohemians” who feel that “working should be more like living – and not the other way around”, it appears to some as if it will be little more than a cleverly marketed schmooze fest for all of those clever self-marketers out there who spend an inordinate amount of their time cleverly marketing their un-marketability. You know, folks like you and me.



And there certainly does appear to be a market for these types in Berlin these days. Or there certainly ought to be one. These well-trained and (potentially?) productive Aussteiger (dropout) types are unavoidable here. They are all around you, loudly sipping and slurping on lattes while hacking away on their annoying top-of-the-line notebooks at a café near you. Unless of course it’s me sitting there. I’m the guy with the piece-of-shit notebook.

Anyway, if you too are someone who “could care less about a typical career and denies his or her allegiance to the notion of old-fashioned permanent positions and the rat race which is the salaried employee culture” (if you can’t land one of these cool jobs, in other words), dig out your sleeping bag (no joke) and head on over to something called RADIALSYSTEM V for a new type of lost weekend which may just change your life forever. Then again, it may not change it all. Or maybe it will just change it for a few hours or something.

And don’t listen to what certain disgruntled former so-called Berlin Culture Senator types have to say about you and those like you, that you are living out your bohemian dropout lifestyle “built upon the fundament of a future inheritance.” Who cares if that may or may not be true? At least you’re living it out, or trying to, sort of.

Ich steige aber erst aus, wenn der Zug abgefahren ist.

PS: Thanks, Joe!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit!

Posted by clarsonimus at 09:35:48 | Permanent Link | Comments (8) |

Monday, August 27, 2007

Chinese Chutzpah

Chancellery officials were shocked at how well-informed their Chinese counterparts were regarding Germany’s detailed plans to address touchy subjects like Darfur and the catastrophic human rights situation in China during Chancellor Angela Merkel’s visit to that country this week.

“We knew you were just dying to mention that,” said one smiling and inscrutable Chinese dignitary when approached about these matters. “And don’t forget to bring up the part about our lack of free press and that annoying protection of intellectual property issue that has been bothering you, too while you’re at it, if I may most humbly remind you, most honorable visitor.”

“Geez,” said one baffled security specialist traveling with the Chancellor. “It’s as if they already knew everything we were about talk to them about before we got a chance to do any of the talking. Inexplicable, really.”

When asked by a journalist if this mysterious phenomenon could possibly be attributed to something like a broad-based and systematic Chinese State-sponsored electronic attack directed against Germany, the specialist just shrugged his shoulders and said “Nah, I doubt it.”

“That would be completely out of character with a country like China. Considering their impressive track record and all, I mean. And they have also said time and time again that they don’t do stuff like that, after all. Nah, Ausgeschlossen (out of the question). But now that you mention it, maybe I will be leaving my notebook locked up in our plane during the rest of the visit. Just in case, you know?”

Ich sehe Was, was Du nicht siehst.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:58:55 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Döner for Dinner


alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/QMcbQlYpsQg

PS: Thanks for rotten meat link, Joe. Ouch. And I still can't stop eating this stuff.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:47:28 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Friday, August 24, 2007

110 Berlin museums refuse to close again

Night at the Museum without Ben Stiller, oder was? In what surely must be a concerted protest action against something really bad, although I just cannot figure out what the hell it is yet (maybe against cultureless Neanderthals like me?), 110 Berlin museums will be remaining open again tomorrow night during another one of Berlin’s popular “The Long Night of Museums” events or phenomena or whatever it is you might want to call them.



This is the 21st time that they have done this so they must really mean business. With their protest Aktion, I mean. But is this anyway to run a business? Even if it is the museum business which isn’t really a business at all? Anyway, if you are so inclined, you can visit some or even, theoretically, all of these places late into the night or early the next morning (2am), whether on foot or on guided bus tour. If you are so inclined, like I said.

Maybe I will go and check out “New York States of Mind” at the newly-remodeled Pregnant Oyster (The House of World Cultures). But, then again, maybe I won’t. I don’t know if I can get into the proper New York or even Berlin state of mind once it’s past my bedtime, which is usually before it even gets dark around here.

Kultur pur? Auch noch in der Nacht? Ich weiß es nicht.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:34:39 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Cable Guy Strikes Again!

Where’s Spiderman when you need him? Cable Guy, that mysterious anti-hero saboteur super-criminal, has struck at the Deutsche Bahn yet again. Obsessed with the copper grounding cable he steals and then sells for big bucks, I mean euros, to his evil partner in crime, Junkyard Dude, Cable Guy has been responsible for over 400 hours of train delays in Germany during the past few months alone.

Clearly possessing super-human powers, a short in one of these 15,000 volt grounders would kill a mere mortal like me or you, Cable Guy seems to take a perverse pleasure in knowing that dozens of trains will be stopped or redirected once these security devices have been removed. It also seems to make little difference to him that the German train system’s famous reputation for punctuality, already having taken a few hits in recent years, will only suffer now all the more. The evil creep.

A world-wide demand for metal (think China) seems to have helped create the hostile environment in which somebody/something like Cable Guy could have come into being. And many anti-hero experts fear that attacks like these will only intensify in the future.

Berlin residents are remaining calm, however, absent Spiderman or not. Many seem to have grown tired of train travel and prefer riding their copper-free bikes whenever possible instead.

Kabelklau ist doch ein Fisch, oder?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:34:45 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

What ever happened to American Esskultur?

You knew it was going to come to this, just admit it. In what is clearly a not-so-secret attempt to undermine wholesome American fast-food world domination, and after having carefully established a bridgehead of McCafés to help facilitate their diabolical and subversive plans, a group of some 30 German McDonald’s restaurants has now begun “experimenting” with serving cereal yogurts, vegetable sticks with humus, Indian and Thai curry and - I cannot believe that I am typing this - soup. Friggin’ Russian soljanka at that.



Many customers were “pleasantly surprised” by the new products, a spokesman for the group is reported to have said. Yeah, right. Pleasantly surprised to have found anything real to eat at all, you mean. So are you going to Souper Size Me now, or what?

I remember a time when you could walk into a McDonald’s, look the kid straight in the eye and order a damned hamburger. Without having to lower your voice, I mean (actually, I would always order four or five). But, then again, I still remember a time when a space shuttle landing wasn’t a news item and when “July 4th was a whole week in July… For you see, I used to be one hell of a woman.” Okay, trivia time: Who said that?

It doesn’t matter who said that. What matters now is that we undertake something. Immediately. I, for one, plan to go underground and join that anarchist fringe wacko anti-McDonald’s group in Kreuzberg. If they will still let me, that is.

Ich hätte gern einen McSojaburger mit Griessgnocchi Pestosauce zum mitnehmen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:44:01 | Permanent Link | Comments (11) |

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Berlin poor but sexy but poor

According to a study published by the Bertelsmann Foundation, Berlin is not only just poor, it is so poor that… It is losing the competitive edge it never even had to begin with. Now that’s poor.



When it comes to trifles like employment, income and security in Germany, the trophy gets handed over to Hamburg again. Bavaria and Baden-Wurttemberg are the places to be if you want to feel secure more than anything else. Thuringia (one of the “new German states”) has made great progress here, too. And if you take a closer look at the mystical East, the study divides these new and semi-new states pretty clearly into winners and losers with Thuringia, Sachsen and Sachsen-Anhalt taking the Kuchen (cake) while the northeastern states like Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania, Brandenburg and, ahhmm, Berlin are still punching it out in the cellar.

But as usual, nobody in Berlin really cares about any of this nonsensical statistical foolishness. Nor should they, unless they hold political office (and even they don’t seem to care all that much). Berliners have more important things to worry about. Like the latest twist in the Valkyrie plot. Or is Komplott (conspiracy) the better word here?

Although not a part of this particular Bertelsmann study or anything, Berlin is also by far the most dangerous place in Germany when it comes to filming Tom Cruise movies, of course. Some extras fell off a truck the other day and now everybody is suspecting Scientologist sabotage. No, wait. They’re financing the movie. Man oh man, this is getting more mysterious by the minute.

I’m too sexy for my shirt, my last one.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:25:15 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Monday, August 20, 2007

F*parade f*ing boring again

Wow. F*ing 1200 participants take part in this year’s f*ing F*parade in Berlin and the only thing that happens is that somebody throws a f*ing bottle or two? What kind of a f*ed up subculture is that?

Where’s the f*ing party?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:29:27 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |
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