Sunday, April 29, 2007

UFO Sightings Down in Berlin


alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/wacHYbWxVyA
Posted by clarsonimus at 08:17:26 | Permanent Link | Comments (6) |

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Germans let Rumsfeld off the hook, Putin next?

A federal prosecutor in Germany has refused to investigate a criminal complaint filed against former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and other top US officials accusing them of war crimes and torture in Iraq.

It appears as if the accusations filed last November do not apply to a way special and thoroughly important German law that allows one nation, over God (Germany), to prosecute anyone, anywhere at anytime on any known planet for war crimes, repeated parking violations or other such “totally groady things”, preferably Americans versteht sich (it’s understood), but has never really “taken off” as a law yet for some inexplicable reason.

Legal experts now expect charges soon to be dropped against Russian Czar-like President Vladimir Putin, too. If the charges had ever been made versteht sich (it’s understood), that is. The many charges, ranging from “holding German society hostage to energy policy” to “arrogantly trampling on the right of free speech” to “being responsible for thinly-veiled political assassination at home and abroad” to "coming out as a threatening bully prick" were somehow never filed by any group of self-righteous, anti-Russian, German concernniks anywhere at anytime. But like hey, now that the Rumsfeld case was dropped who cares anyway?

And after all, as quoted in a Chinese paper covering the Putin “issue” (the important word is Chinese here), the German government firmly believes that “threats won’t help” when it comes to spats between good buddies like this. Threats from Germany, versteht sich (it’s understood).

Da, da, da. Nein, nicht das Lied. Das heißt ja auf Russisch.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:24:18 | Permanent Link | Comments (7) |

Friday, April 27, 2007

Dreckecken

Achtung, Achtung already! It seems that all of a sudden, out of nowhere so-to-speak, countless Dreckecken (dirty corners) are cropping up wherever you care not to look in Berlin. Parks are being buried in picnic rests, old sofas are piling up on every other street corner, and countless tons of Elektroschrott (electronic junk) are lying around unplugged and unattended in your Hinterhof (backyard) while we speak. And the city’s sanitation department, in an unholy alliance with the dreaded Office of Order, is so alarmed about the matter that it has decided to begin a new cleanup campaign called “Working Together for a Clean Berlin.” And no, Rudy Giuliani has nothing at all to do with any of this.



Sounds harmless enough at first, right? Sure it does. It always does here… at first. But if you look a little closer, you will detect a less obvious and more sinister design. The sanitation department wants to “sensitize” Berlin’s citizens, you see. It wants them to be aware of the ever-growing “illegal waste” problem. That’s right, some types of waste are actually “illegal” here, and it doesn’t even have to be nuclear (no, come to think of it, practically every type of waste is illegal here). And worst still, the BSR (that’s the sanitation department) is even asking Berliners “to report” on any suspicious piles of Dreck they might happen to step into out there.

Well it’s all over but the crying now if you ask me. This gives this Garbage Police stuff a whole new dimension.

By the way, my own personal Dreckecke can be found way down on the bottom right of this very page. Or at least one of my many Dreckecken is down there, I should say. I prefer to call it my Schmuddelecke (nasty corner), however. That makes It sound nastier. Which, of course, it is.

Ordnung muss… sein oder nicht sein.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

PS: Thanks for the cool Elektrosmog link, Joe.

PPS: Thanks for the shape of things to come link, Kurt.

Posted by clarsonimus at 10:09:57 | Permanent Link | Comments (8) |

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Gun control still working here

The big Empörung (outrage) about last week’s shooting in Virginia, followed by the obligatory lecturing on the antiquated American Wild West back wood’s attitude concerning gun control there hardly had a chance to die down before somebody else gets blown away by a heavily-armed criminal here, in Germany, again. This happens all the time over here by the way, it’s just that the Empörung part is usually missing.

A policewoman was murdered by some creep in Heilbronn while she was routinely checking papers within the framework of that city’s “Secure City” initiative. Her partner was also shot and may not make it, either. Nothing like this ever happens in small cities over here, you see. But then it does doch (after all) and nobody really seems to get hot and bothered about it. If, however, the same thing happens in an American city, that incident has a good chance of making German front page news.

The logic is quite simple really: Because we are German, everything is Friede, Freude, Eierkuchen (law and orderly) and criminal acts are just that. In America though, the fact that practically anyone can arm his or herself is, in and of itself, criminal. In America you are guilty without charge, before anything even happens. And if nothing happens, that’s the exception.

But that criminals do pretty much what they want to do regardless of the law is what makes them criminals, you see. And it doesn’t really matter which country they find themselves in, either. And a little more Empörung about that might be in order. Before the next shooting, I mean. No simple solutions there, oder (or are there)?

Think prison sentences, for instance. Your short, vacation-style ones don't seem to work, either. It’s a vicious circle, isn’t it?

Schon wieder etwas Ungewöhnliches.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

PS: Thanks for the Japanese fake guns link, Kurt - and the eject link, too. Damn, Kurt won't stop! Thanks for the cool fun facts and quotes link, too.

PPS: And thanks for those two links, too, letters.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:43:39 | Permanent Link | Comments (30) |

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

LRRHS

Germans suffer from this strange, incurable disease. They are not even aware of the fact that they have it, that’s how strange it is. And if you don’t even know that you have a disease, how can you cure it, right? It’s a disease that has to do with dead sheep, the German obsession with order and speeding motorists. Like I said, strange. And incurable.



It goes like this: All big predators (the animal kind) were wiped out in Germany about 150 years ago. Nobody living today has ever had contact with a dangerous wild animal in the German wild for as long as anyone can possibly remember (their over-bred dogs don’t count). But then, all of a sudden, these animals show up again (must be climate change or something) and kill a sheep or two and everyone goes completely ape waste. That’s the disease. The strange and incurable one, I mean. The one that doesn’t have a name. So, for lack of a better term, and you can bet that there are better terms out there, I’m going to call it The Little Red Riding Hood Syndrome, or LRRHS for short.

You remember, don’t you? First it was Bruno, then it was The Wolves of The East (sounds like a Playboy spread), then it was Grimm Horror, then The Knut Death Threat (and he doesn’t even live in the wild or eat sheep). Now it’s The Wolves of The North. The Wolf, I mean. The one that just got run over by a speeding motorist (they always speed here, even when they’re not speeding).

Germans just don’t like wild animals, you see. Wild animals are by definition unordentlich (unorderly) and that is intolerable here (see "Wolf Management"). At least it is when you suffer from LRRHS.

Sie brauchen dringend ärztliche Hilfe.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:24:40 | Permanent Link | Comments (6) |

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Biofuel barley bankrupting Bier brewers

Or at least that’s what they want us to believe. First a price hike for corn tortillas in Mexico last January drove thousands of protestors out into the streets. Now German beer brewers are threatening their customers with a price hike for Bier this May. Is nothing sacred anymore? And all of this is necessary because of the demand for biofuel? Damn, if you were ever wondering when this bio stuff was going to finally get out of hand, now you know that that the time is, uh, now.



Of course there was also an extremely poor barley harvest last year. And the amount of land used for growing barley in Germany is said to be receding by 5 percent a year. But whatever the reason, the price of barley, which is used to make malt for brewing, has doubled within the past twelve months.

While many farmers loudly protest the growing importance of biofuels and are calling for a cut in the subsides granted to those who produce biofuel crops (the European Union wants vehicle fuel to consist of at least 10 percent "green" fuel by 2020), many believe that the coming price increase, however high, will be unjustified. One source estimates that the total amount of barley used to produce a 24-bottle case of beer only accounts for about 33 cents of the total price. And a three-percent rise in the German value-added tax might also be partly to blame here - brewers decided not to pass that increase on to wholesalers when it came into effect on January 1.

But being that the average daily consumption of beer in Germany was around 111.6 liters per head last year, that’s the equivalent of every one of the country's 82 million people drinking a 0.31-liter glass of beer every day, well, that price increase is going to be a considerable increase in revenue indeed.

But hey, wait a minute. I always thought that beer was a form of biofuel to begin with. You know, Reinheitsgebot and all that. Can’t they just figure out how to make cars start drinking the stuff, too? 

Voll tanken heißt voll tanken.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:41:45 | Permanent Link | Comments (6) |

Monday, April 23, 2007

Several Germans still interested in the RAF terrorist debate

German officials where shocked to discover today that an estimated three dozen German citizens are still interested in news reports concerning the fate of a handful of 70’s leftist radicals who, if not already long out of prison, will be released within the next few months no matter what anyway.



“We’ve gotten lots of phone calls recently from people who actually knew who these people were, I mean, are,” said a thoroughly annoyed and unnamed justice official. “I mean, that we have to pretend as if we care about releasing unrepentant and boring murderers like that is one thing, but why should anyone else give a damn? These terrorists are about as interesting as a warm gulp of water. After all, they only killed thirty-four people in all. What is that in today's world? And all thirty-four of them were bourgeois Spießer (squares) working for our oppressive capitalist state, too. You know, like me. And after all, five life sentences are five life sentences. For each guy, I mean. Fair is fair. So like let’s move on already.”

“Yeah,” added his colleague. “Whether this Klar guy killed Buback or Wisniewski did, like what does it matter now? Klar is on his way out and Wisniewski already is. Who cares if this could have any influence on Klar’s plea for clemency or not? He’ll be coming out next year automatically anyway. Go get a life. A life sentence, I mean. Ha, ha, ha.”

“And actually, it’s probably less than three dozen people after all, you know” said the first guy, cheering up a bit. “Half the folks I spoke with thought that RAF meant Royal Air Force.” 

Wer A sagt muss auch B sagen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:28:36 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Chicken Graves


alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/EHP0UNWdVSs
Posted by clarsonimus at 10:01:29 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Let us pray – or else

In a vigorous response to the butchering of three Christian missionaries (one of them German) in an eastern Turkish town, and now the beheading of seven Christian workers in the Philippines, German public broadcasting has launched a series of Islamic sermons.

It is hoped that by regularly broadcasting messages about the truly peaceful nature of Islam, an open dialogue of cultural understanding will finally take root in The West and will develop and we will then one day come to understand just why it is that they are out to annihilate us like this, thus promoting even more understanding between our two cultures and leading, in the end, to real, lasting and final understanding.

The first broadcast was yesterday, on Friday, the day of Muslim prayer, or Christian beheading, whatever comes first. Or both, I forget. It is unclear at this time when a similar broadcast expressing Christian viewpoints will begin airing in a Muslim country, but it won’t be long, I’m sure.

Auf die Knie, bitte.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:24:42 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Friday, April 20, 2007

Germans breathing down our fat necks

When it comes to producing fat people, it’s hard to top good old-fashioned, hard-working, American know-how and ingenuity. A recent study shows that the proportion of Americans who are “severely obese” grew twice as fast in the five years up to 2005 than did the proportion of “moderately obese” in the population, for instance. A severely obese person is someone whose body mass index (BMI) is 40 or more. This is about 100 pounds (46 kilos) above normal weight for an average man.



“A typical severely obese man weighs 300 pounds (136 kilos) and has a height of 5 feet 10 inches (1.78 m), while a typical severely obese woman weighs 250 pounds (114 kilos) and has a height of 5 feet 4 inches (1.63 m).” The study indicates that about 3 percent of Americans currently fall under this severely obese category. But this doesn’t really surprise anybody, does it? I would have put that figure up between 5 and 10 percent. And I don’t even want to know how many moderately obese Americans there are out there.

But when it comes to Europe, surprising might be the fact that Germans take the Kuchen (cake) and come in first place in the fatso department. A new study over here has found that Germany has the highest proportion of overweight people in Europe, partly due to the country's high beer consumption. Apparently, 75.4 percent of German men and 58.9 percent of German women are overweight (a BMI higher than 25). Whew. They’re still not much of a threat to us in the moderately obese league. And they’ve got years to go before they can compete with us at the severely obese level.

But having said that…. All I know is… Man, are Germans fat! Germans are so fat, they show up on radar. Germans fat? They are so fat, they deep fry their toothpaste. Talk about fat. Germans are so fat, even their clothes have stretch marks.

Misery loves company, know what I’m sayin’?

Das dicke Ende kommt ja noch bzw. ist schon längst da.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:35:45 | Permanent Link | Comments (7) |
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