Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Lance just had the better drugs

1997 German Tour de France winner and ewiger Zweiter (always second – five times) to high-tech secret agent drug fiend Lance Armstrong, Jan Ullrich has decided to retire from cycling while he is still behind.

Caught in a Spanish doping investigation fiddling around with performance enhancing drugs again, Ullrich was denied participation in last year’s Tour de France, shortly before the race was to begin. Although generally very good about not getting caught, he has had a few unfortunate public bouts with playing the drug victim in the past; getting his driver’s license revoked after backing into parked bicycles with his Porsche, off-season amphetamine use, claiming somebody mixed ecstasy into his drink at a nightclub etc. So now that he’s had enough and all that, he's had enough and all that.

And like all the other doped-up, true sportsmen racers of his caliber out there, Ullrich has steadfastly denied ever having had any involvement in doping, choosing to point his finger at racing officials, ominous international conspiracies and illegal aliens from outer space instead.

“I feel like a serious criminal although I have nothing to reproach myself,” he told reporters yesterday without laughing out loud. People have made names for themselves at his cost blah blah blah and have told “100 percent lies”, or at least maybe ninety percent with a little tetrahydrogestrinone mixed in.

“I wished I had gotten more support from some people,” the silly cyclist then said as if someone still cared. “But I am not bitter.”

Ich bin nicht bitter darüber, sondern bitter und sauer.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:17:25 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Monday, February 26, 2007

And the winner was...

Can't post a real post today. I'm having a couple of big-time Hollywood film producer types over to "do brunch".



So sieht das Leben der anderen (in Kalifornien?) aus.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:32:09 | Permanent Link | Comments (20) |

Sunday, February 25, 2007

“And the best foreign language film of the year goes to…”

What else? „The Lives of Others“, by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. At least that’s what I have to assume after having read an article entitled “So gewinnt man einen Auslands-Oscar” (How to win a foreign language Oscar) by Georg Seesslen of Die Zeit.



He didn’t go out on a limb or anything, but he did make a few interesting points about what he thinks a foreign film has to bring with it to win in Hollywood. It has to be “foreign” enough to be recognizable as such, but not too much so, for instance. It has to have utilized traditional storytelling and convincing acting techniques. The film should have a certain degree of novelty to it, being something that one feels he or she is “seeing for the first time”. The film needs to have already enjoyed a relatively high level of success in its country of origin (7 Lolas enough?). And most importantly, and by far the most difficult, the film in question needs to comfortably straddle those often opposing worlds of art and craftsmanship on the one side and commerce and industry on the other. “The Lives of Others” certainly seems to meet all these criteria – and the other films it is competing against seem rather pale in comparison, which will also help.

And so it won’t matter that the celebrities handing over the Oscar won’t be able to pronounce von Donnersmarck’s name properly tonight (Hollywood time). Who cares? I can’t shake the feeling that most Hollywood celebrities don’t even know how to read (not even from their que cards), so why should we expect them to be able to pronounce them there funny foreign names and words. And von Donnersmarck speaks better English than most of them do anyway.

I have the good fortune of not haven written an article that gets printed out on paper and all that like Herr Seesslen did, so I can and will go out on the limb on this one. That’s why I can now publicly declare that “The Lives of Others” is going to win the Oscar for best foreign language film for 2006.

Besides, I can always edit this later.

So sieht das Leben der anderen in Kalifornien aus.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:40:54 | Permanent Link | Comments (6) |

Saturday, February 24, 2007

No respect

Remember when Germans were famous for doing whatever the police told them to do? Me neither. But now kids here these days are getting frecher and frecher (more boldfaced and cheeky) all the time. And nobody seems able to do anything about it, least of all the police.

Case in point: This young guy in Aachen gets a letter from the cops requesting that he come in to testify in an ongoing investigation. He writes them back thanking them for their friendly invitation but regrets to inform them that “I really don’t feel like getting up so early in the morning, especially not for the police. Please don't bother me with your nonsense anymore. If you want anything, you can come to me."

The German cops, hard as Kruppstahl (Krupp steel), did just that. They came by later to conduct the hearing at his place. Please keep this in mind when the Germans start moaning again about the “police state” they live in (usually at regular, two to three month intervals).

And speaking of no respect, tonight’s the night!



“And the loser is…” This will be one ceremony where Sharon Stone won’t be calling the bidders “nasty little Germans”. She can't. They’re nasty little Americans this time, Razzie Award American types. And it looks like they are going to be honoring her with their equivalent of the lifetime achievement award for Basic Instinct II.

Ich habe aber keine Rede vorbereitet.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 09:35:05 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Friday, February 23, 2007

World’s worst car won’t go away

Would you buy a car whose prototype once turned soggy when left out in the rain? Yeah, I agree. I would, too. But unfortunately you can’t buy the East German Trabant (Satellite) anymore. Not new, anyway. They haven’t been built since 1991 for some strange reason. Und das ist gut so (and that’s a good thing).



But there are still die-hard “Trabi” fans everywhere. You can even go on a “Trabi Safari” through old “East Berlin” these days, for crying out loud. And to make matters even worse, the Trabantistas are getting all emotional these days about the car’s upcoming 50th birthday celebration(s), although, just between you and me, most of these cars look quite a bit older.

The Trabant was supposed to be the GDR’s answer to the Volkswagen Beetle, of course. But all it really did was raise a whole lot of other questions. Like why does the damned thing always make that “dang, dang, dang” noise? And how come it won’t ever go any faster than 56mph?

These are questions that we will never know the answers to, as the Trabi isn’t talking. It will take its sordid little secrets with it to the grave one day, someday, a long, long time from now, in a Ford Galaxy far, far away.

Nichts für Warmduscher.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:37:55 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Eigentore* ohne Ende

German hospitals are frantically unlocking and dusting off delivery rooms everywhere as the nation prepares for a dramatic surge in births nine months following the soccer World Cup 2006 held here last summer.



The month-long German “fairytale” of soccer, sunshine and success (certainly as far as the German team was concerned) last summer was an orgy of, uh, soccer, sunshine and success - and something else, too, it seems. But all fairytales must come to an end and now we’re back to hard reality again and how do you like the moral of the story now, buddy?

Reproductive scientists are predicting a 10 to 15 percent jump in births within the next month or so and attribute this phenomenon directly to “biological factors” related to people being in a relaxed and good mood and passed out on beer nine months previously. The party mood which gripped the nation seems to have had a positive effect upon couples who had struggled for years to conceive once their party mood had ended.

The first World Cup Baby was delivered on February 11, following Germany’s 1:0 victory over Poland. Let’s see how the rest of the tournament develops.

* An Eigentor is an “own goal” in soccer, as in accidentally shooting a goal for the opposite team.

Andreas Möller: Ich hatte vom Feeling her ein gutes Gefühl.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:32:26 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Old Europe breaking up again?

Airbus has a Problemchen (little problem). But first I want to talk about Chen and Lein.

No, Chen and Lein aren’t popular Chinese food dishes here in Germany. These are diminutive little diminutive word endings. The suffixes –chen and –lein are placed on nouns to indicate someone or something small or endearing. You know, like how we say munchkin whenever we refer to a small munch. They’re crazy about these diminutives over here, too. Despite the fact the Germans themselves are often quite big and scary-looking, many of them being well over eight feet in height. Maybe that’s why they like diminutives so much.

Anyway, one often hears them referring to their Häuschen (little house) and their Hündchen (little dog) who has a Frauchen (female master) and always gets the rest of her Würschten (little sausage) after she and her husband have had their Käffchen (coffee). Well, at least I’m always hearing conversations like this. And I could have interchanged the –lein with the –chen on most of these, by the way. Nobody would have batted an eye. And if you happen to be from a more “quaint” region of Germany, like someplace called Bavaria for instance, you will often hear the diminutives –l or –erl instead. A Bisschen (a little bit as in a little bite) is actually a Bissl there, for example. And a Mädchen is a Mädl there, too. But only during the week, I think.

So why am I telling you all of this? I’ve completely forgotten. No, now I have it again. Airbus has a Problemchen. Not only are Old Europe bosom buddies France and Germany currently at each other’s throats over EADS’ inability to spit out the miraculous “Power8” Airbus restructuring plan (which it obviously doesn’t have yet), German Airbus stockholders are so pissed off at the moment that they are actually considering the feasibility of breaking up the company’s current structure – or lack of it.

“The money supposed to be saved by Power8 is crucial to the survival of Airbus. With its cash flow languishing (undelivered 380s bring in no cash), and its cost structure inflated by the high value of the euro relative to the dollar, the company urgently needs the savings in order to have the funds necessary to develop the A 350XWB, a next-generation airliner needed to compete with Boeing's wildly successful 787 Dreamliner.”

And being the good bad American that I am, I can’t help but feel a little Schadenfreude when reading these lines. Opps, I mean Schadenfreudchen.

Die Franzosenchen können uns am Hinterchen küsschen!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

PS: Thanks for the links, Kurt.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:51:36 | Permanent Link | Comments (8) |

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Berlin threatening to host Live Earth concert, too

After weeks of secret talks with the highly biodegradable ex-Vice-President-always-a-Vice-President Al Gore, Berlin’s Economic Senator (no joke, they really have one – the Senator, not the economy) Harald Wolf (no relation to Harald Schmidt) has warned that Berlin may also try and host an additional “Live Earth” concert this summer. Should the climate not stop changing within the next three or four days, that is.



Gore is of course planning a series of concerts to bring attention to the threat of global climate change and these planned Live Earth concerts will be taking place on July 7 in Shanghai, Johannesburg, Sydney, London and other yet-to-be-announced cities in Brazil, Japan and the United States, unless somebody can figure out how to stop them first, that is. More than 100 artists are being forced  by The Alliance for Climate Protection to take part in these pop events, having been made an offer (several billion viewers worldwide) they just couldn’t refuse.

Although forced to admit that London is actually the planned venue for the European contribution to the series of ultra-mega-etc. concerts, Wolf believes that Berlin’s image as “interface” between East and West (who does North and South these days?) might give it a chance to participate in the already annoying pop event, as well. “Maybe we could be London’s dressing room or something,” he is quoted by somebody somewhere as saying.

Da ist der Wurm in der Musik drin.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

PS: Thanks for the "Melissa" link, Indeterminancy. Been wondering about that one, too. Tha Germans seem to have a big problem with the homeschooling concept.
Posted by clarsonimus at 08:01:14 | Permanent Link | Comments (6) |

Monday, February 19, 2007

German Holocaust denier denies getting five year prison sentence

German Canada-deportee and far-right anti-Semite nut job Ernst Zundel failed yet again to shock anybody when he denied in the German court that had just sentenced him to five years in prison that this conviction had ever taken place.

The 67-year-old Blödmann (dumb clown) had just been convicted on 14 counts of inciting hatred and anti-Semitic activity when he calmly stood up to make his latest unspectacular denial. A highly unpopular website of his had been devoted for years to denying that the Nazis had systematically exterminated six million Jews during World War II. Denying this is a crime in Germany, also something else that Zundel denies.

Prosecutors in Germany were only able to bring charges against the laugh-a-minute buffoon because his website was accessible here in Germany, too. Gee, it’s a small world after all.

Later that day, after having been transferred to the German correctional facility in which he will be spending the next and possibly last five years of his wild and crazy and thoroughly pitiful little life, Zundel also denied that his prison cell was a prison cell and that it was in reality a Holiday Inn single (non-smoking) with complementary coffee and muffin breakfast, most likely located somewhere in Central California, possibly even in Fresno.

He then claimed that that lousy new Harald Schmidt show he was watching was in reality Late Night with Conan O’Brian. And then he asked room service if he could go surfing instead.

Ich leugne aber alles ab.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

PS: Thanks for the picture link, letters. It's there now.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:37:01 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Not even heroin is free here anymore

Everybody knows that German state spending has gone down the tubes. Financial Engpässe (bottlenecks) wherever you look, a steady drumbeat of rising costs and reduced services for citizens and non-citizens everywhere, bankrupt cities, crippled social programs, higher taxes, lower expectations, oh-my-god-we’re-all-going-to-die.

And now they’re going to come along mir nichts dir nichts (just like that) and shut down seven state-run heroin injection clinics? Like, when is this ever going to end? Oh, they’re not going to shut them down, you say? Whew. That was a close one. Sorry, false alarm.

That would have taken the Kuchen (cake). The day that Germans decide to stop handing out free diamorphine to the country’s worst drug offenders based upon simple ideological or financial grounds will be a very dark day indeed. It will also be the one when hell freezes over. How else would these junkies be able to live a relatively normal life of state-sponsored drug addiction? And what about all of those people giving them all that free psychiatric support (for the addicts, I mean, not for the politicians)? What would become of them?

You see? Once you start fiddling around with a running system, one question after another always starts popping up. And I’m sure it won’t be long before last year’s proposal to make heroin available by prescription will be back on the table to question again, too.

Wozu zahle ich schließlich meine Steuern nicht, huh?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 10:00:06 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |
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