Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Germany drops plans to ban the swastika, decides to ban coal mining instead

Reacting to concerns by other wary EU countries that such community-wide legislation would be unachievable, and in a compromise move designed to placate hoards of irate Germans at home demanding an immediate ban “on something, right now!”, Germany has dropped its plans to ban the swastika and decided to ban German coal mining instead.



Although an immediate ban on the heavily-subsidized coal mining industry in Germany will not be possible (it has something to do with a long tradition or jobs or something), the usual fauler Kompromiss (shady compromise) was nevertheless reached and a phase-out will soon begin which will likely end the last subsidies by 2018. The end of subsidies will effectively bring an end to coal mining in Germany, as mining costs here far exceed those of other coal-producing countries.

Politicians were ecstatic about having reached such a “groundbreaking” compromise. “We will not be prohibiting mere symbols like swastikas here,” said one boisterous bureaucrat. “But real things like coal, instead.”

Germany has also announced that it will no longer try and push all EU member states to criminalize the denial of the Holocaust, as many of these countries do not consider such denial to be a criminal offence and have signaled their continued resistance to such EU-wide legislation.

Kohle habe ich sowieso seit Jahren nicht mehr gesehen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

PS: And thanks for the "revealing" sock shot, Ian, off-topic or not. You, too, Vij.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:23:05 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Monday, January 29, 2007

Nobody attends anti-Bush rally in Berlin

Police authorities were clearly surprised at the small number of protesters who attended an anti-Bush rally held in Berlin yesterday. A mere 700 concerned Germans took part in the demonstration held against the controversial, hard-line president.

Tens of thousands of demonstrators had been expected to descend upon Berlin Sunday to show their discontent with the despicable policies of the rogue president, who has not only publicly called for the destruction of the State of Israel, he has also been at the forefront of a large international campaign denying the Holocaust, as well. And his recent quest to push on with an atomic program in order to develop nuclear weapons for his country has also made many a peace-loving and green-hearted German wary.

No one can figure out the sudden lack of interest on the part of these German activists who have otherwise been more than eager to protest against Bush in the past. Although many of these concerned citizens privately maintain that they have a “moral imperative” to support Israel because of Germany’s responsibility for the Holocaust (Germany is currently pursuing legislation to make the denial of the Holocaust a crime within the European Union, for instance), few of them seem willing to do so in public.

Yesterday’s pitiful Berlin demonstration coincided with the 62nd anniversary of the liberation of the Auschwitz death camp, which is marked around the world by ceremonies on the occasion of Holocaust Memorial Day.

Wir müssen diesen Cowboy zeigen wo lang geht, oder?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

PS: Of course I meant "Bush" as in the bush growing on Ahmadinejad's face.

PPS: Thanks for the rent-a-demonstrator link, rei.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:05:44 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Saturday, January 27, 2007

What’s wrong with this picture?

Okay, tell me what’s wrong here: Imagine a journalist, a German journalist, someone who has just spent the past two years training others how to become journalists in an area that what was up until very recently one of the most war-torn areas in the world. A civil war just ended there a few years ago, but the journalist in question happily reports about how this area has become a “refuge of stability” and that it is “peaceful, democratic and practically secular, for this part of the world.”

Foreigners don’t have to live in an isolated compound here and ride around in armed vehicles or constantly be protected by small armies of armed guards. Citizens aren’t terrorized by daily bombings or military counter-operations. Exiled countrymen are actually returning to the country in large numbers, not fleeing for their lives – and they are returning with their entire families (many of them never having seen their parents’ “homeland” before) and with the money and know-how they acquired in Europe, Canada and the USA.

Building projects are sprouting up everywhere and remind the journalist of a country that is hastily preparing to host the next Olympic Games. Billboards announce soon-to-be opened futuristic shopping malls and 1200 home “Dreamcity” housing development projects. Vestiges of the old despotic regime have been cleared away; a notorious torture prison has been turned into a popular public park, for instance. Churches of many denominations coexist openly and peacefully side by side, students enjoy a freedom that was unimaginable here just a few years ago, and there is also a definite international touch to the cities; languages from all over the world are heard here on the street, German among them.

So what’s wrong with this picture? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it: This, too, is also Iraq. It is Kurdistan in northern Iraq, to be more exact, but “The Kurdistan Region of the Republic of Iraq”, all the same.

And this doesn’t jive with your Weltbild (view of the world), you say? Of course it doesn’t. How could it?

Serchaw! Welcome to Kurdistan!

Source: “Der Frieden im Krieg” by Susanne Fischer, Die Zeit Nr. 5, January 25, 2007.

Ausnahmen bestätigen die Regel, oder?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 20:47:20 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Tornados forming?

No one has actually begun trying to drag them in kicking and screaming yet, but Nato Chief de Hoop Scheffer and US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice have repeated their request for Germany to send six Tornado surveillance jets to southern Afghanistan.



“Six,” said de Hoop Scheffer, holding up six fingers to journalists. “S-i-x as in five plus one? Here, let me write that down for you to avoid any further confusion.” “Planes,” added Condi as she wildly flapped her arms about like a big skinny bird, which she actually is. “Tornado surveillance-type jet planes, got it? Sie verstehen mich already?”

The two made their comments during a meeting of NATO foreign ministers in Brussels yesterday. It was also announced here that NATO commanders are now planning an offensive against the Taliban in the coming weeks and that many of these military experts believe having a few of these German high-tech Wunderwaffen wonders would be “a way cool and wonderful thing.”

“NATO would reeeally appreciate a German decision to send these Tornados,” added de Hoop Scheffer. “It would be a veeery positive step forward, know what I’m sayin’?” Rice then upped the ante by announcing that the US will also be sending more than 10 billion dollars in reconstruction aid to Afghanistan over the next two years, “reconstruction” being one of the few words know to man that a German can ever resist.

Bau auf, bau auf, bau auf, bau auf, Freie Deutsche Jugend, bau auf!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 09:04:06 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Friday, January 26, 2007

Siemens promises a more detailed explanation after all the money gets counted

Siemens Managers calmly explained away the corruption concerns of angry shareholders at their annual meeting yesterday while the Siemens stock price excitedly went through the roof. CEO Klaus Kleinfeld and his predecessor Heinrich von Pierer seemed to have no trouble defusing what had appeared to be a volatile situation brought about by the collapse of Siemens’ former mobile phone division BenQ and widespread bribery and embezzlement charges within the company.

Both were “disturbed” that the anti-corruption measures put into place by von Pierer have proven to be, well, less than optimal. And they will most certainly intensify their efforts in the near future blah-blah usw. (and so forth). And when it came to the sold-down-the-river-to-Taiwan-and-now-bankrupt BenQ, von Pierer insisted that Siemens “had done everything that could be expected of it" to help. This brilliant dash of levity got the whole assembly chuckling and knee-slapping in no time and he pretty much had him in his hand for the rest of the evening.

Unconfirmed reports have failed to confirm if Siemens will now be hiring ex-Schröder buddy and convicted bribery expert (and pimp) Peter Hartz to help them learn not to make the same mistakes he obviously did when bribing and extorting. In the future, I mean. Ex- personnel boss at VW and immortalized as namesake for the highly-popular Hartz IV social reform legislation in Germany, Hartz was given a two year suspended prison sentence yesterday after cutting a deal with prosecutors. He sanctioned illegal payments to the company’s work council to have them do his bidding and, well, “organized” girls and stuff on the side.

Geschäft ist Geschäft ist business as usual.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:39:37 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Latest rendition of the latest renditions

Several European states were shocked to discover that several European states tolerated and even actively assisted the EVIL United States with its EVIL practice of rendition; you know, secretly detaining EVIL as well as non-EVIL terrorist suspects only to let the non-EVIL ones go again. And several of these same shocked European states were even more shocked to discover that they were among these same several European states involved. How shocking.



At least that’s what a report put out by the European Union claims. EU lawmakers (its okay, they’re from Europe, too) maintain that at least 10 European countries, among them Britain, Poland, Italy and Germany (the stress here is on Germany, folks) knew about the CIA’s secret EVIL rendition practice of blah-blah-blah-read-above which of course isn’t wirklich (really) all that much of a secret anymore. And if you ask me, you would think that after all of this practicing going on somebody would have finally gotten this stuff down by now. You know, practice makes perfect and all that.

This year-long investigation (funny how they are always year-long investigations) was put together by a special European Parliament committee which voted in favor of the report's adoption and openly criticizes these EU states for their failure to fulfill “European obligations, such as respect for human rights.” Americans don't have these obligations, of course.

The committee was particularly hard on the former German coalition government under Gerhard Schroeder for its failure to work for the release of German Turk Murat Kurnaz, a suspected terrorist held at Guantanamo. But German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier, directly involved in the matter (and otherwise always a firm supporter of EU committee reports), believes that all of this is just some terrible misunderstanding and is looking to get the matter cleared up as soon as friggin' possible.

Üben macht den Meister.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:37:52 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Snow in January

Global climate change has gotten everything so durcheinander (mixed up) here in Germany that it has actually begun to snow here – in January! Taken completely off guard by the unseasonable weather, Schneechaos (snow chaos) has broken out everywhere and thousands of unsuspecting German citizens have been forced to put on warm clothing again and turn back on the heat and everything.



Parts of an autobahn or two were closed for a few minutes yesterday, four flights were delayed somewhere, dark clouds have covered the sky here and there, blocking out the sun, and countless sidewalks have actually had to be cleared of snow. “The winter holds the South firmly in its grip” as up to three inches of the snowy white substance have covered parts of Baden-Württenburg and Baveria.

No one can find a proper explanation as to how snowfall like this could snowfall like this during this time of year like this, now that the climate has changed and all like this, but meteorologists are madly crunching numbers as you read this and will have us all up-to-speed again by dinner time.

Das Wetter spielt verrückt. Ich auch.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:21:29 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

German Jihad?

No, this isn’t the Kaaba. It’s the Leibniz Rechenzentrum, an automated supercomputer center located near Munich (some say the Borgs put it here). But if you believe some of the news reports floating around Germany these days, maybe this form was intentionally chosen with “The Sacred House” in mind.



Not only has the number of Germans who have converted to Islam increased fourfold within one year (there are now eight - hardy, har, har), the rate of conversion seems to be increasing at a breathtaking rate (not). The real number of converts is actually only around 4000 or so, with about 300 additional converts a year - at the moment.

This “phenomenon” shouldn’t really surprise anyone out there who understands how the German mind ticks, however. After all, the image of Islam in Germany at the moment is clearly one of a religion associated with terrorism, forced marriages and honor killings, so those converting must feel that it can only geht aufwärts (get better) from here. Or maybe they’re thinking something else. Hard to say, I never claimed to understand how the German mind ticks.

But one German “sociologist of religion” who does, and who has investigated converts both here and in the United States, says that the prime motive for conversion is either “overcoming a personal crisis” or “wanting to be different”. Well, one out of two ain’t bad.

And if you ever feel the need to delve a little deeper into this subject, just tune in on the German streaming internet broadcast "Voice of the Caliphate" sometime. And may the force be with you, whether you are a Borg or not.

Wir kommen in Frieden. Aber wir kommen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:15:53 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Monday, January 22, 2007

Pakistan-based German Turk released from US prison on Cuba yet to shave

Former Guantanamo Bay prisoner German Turk Murat Kurnaz has told a German parliamentary committee that he faced torture and abuse during his stay there. Kurnaz claims that he was systematically subjected to sleeping on uncomfortable mattresses, over-abundant portions of yucky-tasting American food and the complete lack of shaving utensils of any kind. “See?” said the sleepy-eyed, overweight Kurnaz, pointing to his ghastly long, unhygienic facial hair growth.



What is more, the circumstances behind Kurnaz’ detention have now led to a focus on German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier. Steinmeier was chief of staff under Gerhard Schroeder at the time of Kurnaz’ imprisonment and his office is now alleged to have secretly solicited additional intelligence from the United States in order to strengthen terrorism charges against Kurnaz and deny him an earlier return to Germany.

“We demand to know why the previous government failed to intervene in our client’s behalf,” said one of Kurnaz’ many outraged lawyers. “Surely they must have known that the Americans were subjecting him to unspeakable forms of torture like this. We also know, for instance, that our client’s unnecessarily loud air conditioner was continually set two to three degrees higher or lower than normal room temperature, depending of course upon the weather conditions outside. That’s against the Geneva Convention or something. And none of those awful American television programs they watched in the camp were dubbed in Turkish, either. Oops, I mean German, of course. I could go on but, well, I just can’t go on. This is all too horrible to contemplate.”

When asked why Kurnaz has yet to shave, although he has been a free man for several months now, another pissed off lawyer jumped in and explained that “This is our client’s form of organized protest and his constitutional right, bozo. And you can bet your last Gillette Mach 14 razor that he will not be shaving again until this matter is clarified, once and for all. You’ve heard of sit-ins, haven’t you? Well, you call this a shave-in if you want. Or maybe call it a shave-out. Ach! You know what I mean.”

Wie hat er das bloß so lange ausgehalten?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:03:17 | Permanent Link | Comments (13) |

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Never touch a running system?

It’s too late, Web 2.0 is already up and running and nobody can figure out how to shut this puppy off - not even the Germans. Okay, it may have been a rather lengthy boot process since that abrupt restart back in the winter of 2001 (ouch), but today there are over 40 million Germans online, Tendenz steigend (and they keep on coming), and this time it is a mass phenomenon that has clearly gotten under everybody’s skin. I meant that figuratively, of course. But who knows? Maybe next year they’ll start implanting our online connections sonst wohin (who knows where).



And the Germans, of all people, should have known better, too. Being a Kulturvolk and “technology hostile” and all that, I mean. How much further can we (as in you) sink, people? Don’t you see that our current dominant cultural technology is going to be the end of life as we know it (don’t say hallelujah just yet)? There is no way that the benefits (and we are just beginning to understand what they will be) can possibly outweigh that dreaded danger of “slipping away out of real life” (ein Entgleiten des realen Lebens), right? Wrong. And I hate to break it to you (not), but as I said, you should have known better: The better part of our cultural history has been based upon ignoring this very warning.

Think Socrates. He warned folks in Plato's Phaedrus of the grave danger to human memory by telling the story of a god who offers an Egyptian king the miraculous aid of writing. Socrates warned that writing would replace memory and argued that “the truth that lives in the human soul will be dissolved in its translation into ambiguous inscription.” Of course we only know about all of this because Plato wrote it down. That’s the punch line, get it?

And mankind can be thankful that there has never been a shortage of new technologies out there which have enabled us to slip away from this so-called real life of ours from time to time: The printing press (a despicable German invention), books, newspapers, telephones, film, radio and television. And let’s face it, other than television, all these old new fangled technologies have somehow lost their sting. Or are any of you out there still seriously concerned about the threat reading a newspaper at your friendly neighbourhood Starbucks poses to ”civilized and cultured” conversation? I didn’t think so.

So stand up straight and feel good about yourself feeling good about you embracing your computer like that. Just stop whispering to it like that when nobody’s looking, okay? It can’t understand you – yet. You know; I’m okay, you’re okay, your DSL flat rate is okay and it is certainly okay for you to slip away out of real life as often as you want to (you are doing so now). By the way, we call that place the virtual world these days. So come out the closet already, in other words. And stop heuling around like that. How pitiful.

But I must admit, all my optimism about this brave new world we now find ourselves in aside (and just between you and me), I’m going to wait for Web 2.1 to come out before I get down to business. These .0 versions are always real dogs and buggy as hell.

Was meinst du damit, “den Computer ausschalten”?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:58:54 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |
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