Friday, September 29, 2006

Gute Türken, Schlechte Türken

OK, we’ll do that provocative (not) Mozart opera after all. Or maybe we won’t. It’s hard to say right now. Let’s just wait and see. But there’s no way in hell we’re going to air a TV show that is being proclaimed as being “the best TV film of the season by far” if it depicts a Turkish Mitbürger (a “fellow citizen” who in reality isn’t a citizen because we won’t let him become one) as being “bad”.

Well, at least not at prime time when everybody might actually watch it. We’ll run a schmaltzy new melodrama filmed in 2004 called “Paradise in the Mountains” instead. We’ll show the potentially provocative film later once the kids are in bed. You know, an hour or two after we’ve already gone to bed.

After all, the name of this film is Wut (rage) and rage is an ugly thing. Rage has always been politically incorrect because it often leads to change, sometimes even political change. And we don’t want that. Not if has to do with the way we view our Turkish Mitbürger (“fellow citizens” who in reality aren’t citizens because we won’t let them become them). We like are Turks just the way they are, thank you. Or just as we imagine them to be, I should say. Not in a rage, that is.

Watch it tonight (I think) if you want. It’s playing somewhere sometime but I forget when and where. Sometime past my bedtime, that’s for sure.

Ich habe da so eine Wut im Bauch. Da gehe ich lieber ins Bett.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:53:00 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Larifari optimistic

Iran’s nuclear negotiator Larifari (nonsense, falderal, foolish talk), oops, I meant Larijani of course, is in Berlin for talks with the EU’s foreign policy chief. This is being billed as the final, definitive, ultimate, conclusive and last as in this-is-it-folks chance to agree upon a nuclear deal. You remember, don’t you? That issue that comes up every few weeks on the bottom of page six about Iran enriching uranium to make nuclear weapons?

Otherwise it is feared that Europe will have no other alternative but to consider opening a new round of talks in Europe to see about opening up another new round of talks with Iran in which the continent might actually begin threatening to raise its voice this time. And you don’t want that, Teheran.

Despite a nagging earache, Larifari is optimistic about the results of the Berlin meeting.  Because despite the numerous contortions and back flips performed be various Western leaders in the past, Iran has never yet budged an inch on the issue and sees absolutely no reason to start doing do now.

“After all,” said a spokesman close to the negotiator, “We were selling carpets before you guys came down from the trees so you don’t actually expect any of this sanction talk of yours to impress us or anything, do you? Just give us what we want again and we’ll sell it as a big European diplomatic breakthrough or something. Is that a deal or what?”

Es sind schwierige Verhandlungen gewesen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:28:16 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Berlin's Amerika Haus off to the Allied Museum?

Nah, it would be too expensive to move. And the building was never much to look at in the first place. A symbol of America’s commitment to a free Berlin, as US ambassador William Timken put it, the Amerika Haus is sadly (or happily?) no longer zeitgemäß (contemporary, goes with the times) and the keys just got handed over to the city. Berlin is about as free now as you can get, of course. Unless you have to live here, that is.

I wonder if Germany will ever be putting up a building somewhere in town which will symbolize its commitment to a free Berlin? The Reichstag and City Hall certainly aren’t making it at the moment.


Oh well, time to say goodbye. Maybe they’ll put up a little exhibition thingy about the place at the Allied Museum one day.

Der Zahn der Zeit nagt an allen Häuschen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar. 


PS: OK, Zyme. I agree. If "das Volk" really feels strongly about it and wants to rebuild the Schloss on their own initiative like they did with the Frauenkirche in Dresden, who could be against it? It's not like the city of Berlin has any money to do so.
Posted by clarsonimus at 06:56:47 | Permanent Link | Comments (11) |

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Unsafe Mozart opera called back

High culture aficionados in Berlin have cancelled four planned performances of a Mozart opera amid growing concern that they might otherwise be blown to bits by Islamic terrorists. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, well known for his outspoken and highly provocative anti-Islamic statements ever since the 9/11 attacks, could not be immediately reached for comment about the recall as he is currently in hiding and his been for well over two hundred years. There’s a fatwah out on him or something.

It appears that there is a scene in his opera in which King Idomeneo, after which the piece is named, enters the stage carrying the severed heads of Poseidon, Jesus, Buddha and Muhammad and many believe that that’s just one head too many (I don’t know what Poseidon is doing there, either).

The cowering culture créateurs will now replace the piece with the less inflammatory “La Traviata” and “The Marriage of Figaro”. Whether the timely recall of this piece will actually bring peace is not yet clear, but should any of you Islamic terrorists out there also find these despicable abominations of Western culture to be offensive, please feel free to call the Deutsche Oper management using their toll-free number 1-800-roll-over-and-die, day or night, and they will gladly consider calling them back, too.

Rock me Amadeus.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 


PS: Thanks for the interesting link, Arwen. And thanks for the outrage link, too, Zyme.

PPS: Let's get this show back on the road already (thanks Muhaha)!

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:21:42 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Monday, September 25, 2006

I'll be back

Ready to break up with hubby but you just don’t know how to break it to him yet? No problem. Call “The Terminator” and he’ll break it to him for you. And for an extra 50 euros he’ll break the clown’s legs, too.

Talk about a Marktlücke (a market gap, as in opportunity). A business like this has unheard of growth potential. Well in Berlin it does. There are scores of unsuspecting spouses and lovers out there just waiting to be told by their partners that they are no longer wanted or needed and need to be, well, terminated. And they don’t even know it. Not yet, anyway.

That’s why this clever businessman has opened his way cool “separation agency” and offers customers four different “termination” packages and service pur etc. It’s like a dating service in reverse, sort of. He’s a professional relationship killer, in other words. And a real people person kind of guy, I assume. And I’m sure he’s making a real killing doing this. As we speak, so-to-speak.

Einen Anruf genügt, Baby.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:30:13 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Voting in Germany for Dummies

Berlin voters can consider themselves lucky. In comparison to the voting results at the national level or in other Länder (German states), they pretty much got what they voted for in last weeks election. Although the talks between the winning SPD and its two favored possible coalition partners The Left Party (part of the current coalition government) and the Greens are still going on as of this writing, a coalition with either will fairly accurately reflect the will of the Berliner voter. And this is not selbstverständlich (understood, a given) in Germany anymore.

Unlike the American “winner-take-all” voting system, the German system of proportional representation has effectively institutionalized, well, the institution of coalition government (no, I am not implying that the American system is better). This is not necessarily a bad thing, of course, but strange things can happen in a system like this when people begin speaking and voting their minds.

Huh? Isn’t that what they’re supposed to do? Of course it is. But as chance would have it, voting your mind in Germany these days now leads to the formation of the very government(s) you were voting against (one tends to vote against things here). The smaller parties which German “rebels” (about 15% of the electorate) vote for now – these range from everything between senior citizen parties to the NPD - will never muster up enough votes or social acceptance (see NPD in Meckenburg-Vorpommern) to take part in an effective coalition government. These parties have to have received a minimum of 5% of the vote to be represented in the Bundesstag at all, and this is much harder than it sounds.

It’s all very paradoxical. Angela Merkel’s current grand coalition government was basically an accident. Her CDU (or the SPD, if you prefer) simply didn’t receive enough votes to be able to throw around its weight as it should. What is worse, it’s an on-going accident that has begun multiplying itself all around the country at the state government level, as well. This is primarily due to the fact that these so-called Volksparteien (the largest, “people’s” parties, SPD and CDU/CSU) have slowly but steadily been losing voters for years. And being that these traditional big parties are no longer big enough to form governments with their traditional smaller party partners (FDP, Greens), grand coalitions are by necessity forming which the voters don’t really want. That’s the first paradox.

The next paradox presents itself when these grand coalitions, despite all of the impressive parliamentary majorities at their disposal, or because of all of the impressive parliamentary majorities at their disposal (take your pick), prove themselves to be indecisive and afraid of the so-called großer Wurf (the big step, as in reform proposals). They are afraid to act because the coalition is too tenuous and there is no support for big reform within the German electorate (the real problem, but that's another story). They can’t change too much or the coalition falls apart and they will have no one left to blame but themselves. The current government would if it could but it can’t so it won’t, in other words. So they just patch up the existing system here and there as best they can and sit it out until the next election – which looks more and more like it could be announced any day now.

The most paradoxical element of all is the conclusion that results from all of this. If German voters want to get rid of these ineffective coalition monstrosities, they must stop being free-thinking rebels who vote their minds and begin voting for the large Volkspartien instead. They must vote for what they don’t want, in other words. Only then, when one or the other Volkspartei has received a large enough vote and finds a reliable partner to work with, might a government possibly be in the position to bring about real rebellious change - and push the blame for having had to do so upon the other Volkspartei no longer in power.

I don’t know about you, but I’m paradoxed out for now. But, then again, I don’t have to vote here, either.

Wer die Qual hat, muss zur Wahl.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:35:18 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Unemployment benefits

Well it sure benefited this guy. Schwarzarbeit (“black” or illegal work) is one of the most popular forms of Volkssport (popular sporting activities) in Germany, if not the sporting activity numero uno. It’s just what one does here when one wants to get over and/or by. One has to, you see (or so the thinking goes), because fewer and fewer normal folks and businesses can afford to pay the outrageously high Sozialabgaben (social welfare contributions and expenses) that are added on top of the hourly wage itself. If you “work black”, the people paying you black don’t have to pay these, see?

And if you’re going to play this sport, you might as well play it in style. In a stylish sports car, I mean. Or at least that’s what one guy who just got busted in a place called Waldeck-Frankenberg (small town Germany, salt of the earth etc.) must have been thinking. Not only had this guy been working illegally as an accountant somewhere for years, driving this flashy baby to work every day natürlich (of course), he had been financing it by cashing in on unemployment benefits at the same time. All in all he milked the system out of a good 100,000 euros, also financing a motorcycle and some hot stock option action, as well. Damn, this guy’s a player.

Now of course everybody here will be outraged and want to say that this particular “black worker" was just another black sheep, which is true. But if they’re honest with themselves and start looking around to count all the black sheep among their friends, family, community (tell me when to stop), that big black stripe in the German flag will suddenly start taking on a completely different meaning.

Da sehe ich Schwarz.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 09:13:55 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Friday, September 22, 2006

Your flight has been delayed

And will be taking off at least another six months later than scheduled. Europe’s super mega ultra aerospace group EADS announced another production setback for its super mega ultra Airbus A380 airliner yesterday. There seems to be another problem with the wiring. No, not the wiring that’s holding it from the ceiling, du Witzbold (jokster)!

But if you’re building an aircraft that can hold up to 800 people, it’s probably a good idea to get this stuff right. Or at least that’s what the new Airbus management team seems to think. And we’re with you guys all the way on this one, seriously. Take your damned time on this, won’t you? The old management team got kicked out in June because of the first delay, you see.

And after all, one symbolic delivery is expected for Singapore Airlines by the end of this year. Then it’s up to them to find all the symbolic passengers they’ll need to fill it up. It is not clear if Singapore Airlines will be paying symbolic money for this symbolic aircraft or not, however.

Personally, I can’t wait to fly this thing. But it looks like I’ll have to wait anyway. I do hope, when the day finally comes, that they will at least have the decency to provide me with a map and a compass so I can find my way to my seat once I get onboard. Oops, forgot. No more onboard stuff anymore. This is getting really complicated.

But I’m determined to give it a try anyway. If it’s the last thing I ever do, so to speak. Which reminds me, a buddy of mine has gotten really set in his ways and dogmatic about this issue and always says “If it’s not a Boeing, I’m not going.” The wussy. No risk no fun.

Nur Landen ist schöner.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Ich bitte darum! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:08:00 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Thursday, September 21, 2006

German forces now to enter the Bronx, too

In what will clearly be Germany’s most dangerous peace-keeping mission yet, German construction firm Hochtief has won an order to build the new baseball stadium for the New York Yankees. The New York #!*%?#! Yankees, I should say. In the Bronx. In the #!*%?#! Bronx, I should say. In New York City.

Poor devils. May the force be with you.

Dafür liegt aber kein Bundestagmandat vor!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 


PS: But seriously Bundesmarine, good luck in Lebanon.
Posted by clarsonimus at 06:44:36 | Permanent Link | Comments (9) |

Catholic agent in cahoots with al-Qaeda

This international terrorist network stuff is getting complicated as hell. Now a Catholic chaplain who secretly helped an al-Qaeda terrorist suspect detained in a German prison has been sentenced to six months in jail for contempt of court. And this didn’t even have anything to do with the IRA or anything.

How do you like your sleeper cell now, buddy?

Could this kind of secret and sinister support for al-Qaeda already have reached the highest echelons of Catholic Church hierarchy? Could this whole recent bru ha ha about the Pope’s comments have been nothing more than an elaborate ruse to keep us off guard? That would explain Mr. Ahmadinejad’s recent show of understanding for the Pontifex Maximus.

Keep on your toes. And watch what you say in the confessional.

Dieser Papst war mir noch nie richtig Koscher.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 06:38:33 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |
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