Observing Hermann...

First it was Bruno from the south, now it’s wolves from the east. Before you know it, friggin mountain lions will be storming the beaches of Normandy to get here. Germany suddenly finds itself in the last place it needs to be right now; in Germany. I mean, in Germany during a two or three or I-don’t-know-how-many-right-now front war with the animal kingdom.

A few dozen wolves have “formed a beachhead” in Brandenburg and are clearly starting to make everybody nervous around here. It’s a surprising comeback for animals that were thought to be wiped out a century ago. Great job, hunters. But it appears that the many now practically abandoned stretches of eastern Germany machen’s möglich (makes it possible). For a comeback, I mean.

Like Bruno, the wolves are illegal immigrants who snuck over the border (this time the Polish one) without the proper papers (otherwise they wouldn’t be illegal), but being that they are very intelligent animals, they knew damned well that if they would have filled out the proper paperwork the German immigration authorities would have turned their furry asses down anyway.

Der mit dem Wolf tanzt hat einen Ballermann.

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In what may well be the must stunning under-cover operation by Israel’s Mossad yet, agents somehow managed to swap the text of a letter delivered July 20 to Germany’s embassy in Tehran. In it, Iran’s President states that the mullah government’s claim to having a divine mandate may be an “excuse” to keep Iranians “stupid”.

The letter was mistakenly opened by cleaning personnel who found it in a trash bin as it was originally assumed to be just another one of those boring the-Holocaust-never-happened rants of his. It was then rushed to the head honchos upstairs.

“This letter changes everything,” said an unnamed Germany foreign ministry official who had long ago exchanged his name for a number which he wouldn’t name, either.

“We may be seeing an opening up to real dialogue here. It looks as if the German government’s never-ending insistence upon never-ending negotiation is finally starting to bear fruit. These Blödmänner (morons) finally seem to be coming to their senses down there.”

Ich wusste, dass sie es irgendwann zugeben würden.

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Federal Transportation Minister Wolfgang Tiefensee is now “tief” (deep) in something else after having made this provocative suggestion.

Wenn die Arbeitslosen erst bewaffnet sind, dann ist alles aus.

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One can easily get the impression here that Germans tend to be rather fatalistic. Don’t laugh - those of you who live in Germany - I didn’t intend that to be comic understatement. Seriously, Germans love to moan about their lot in life just as much as the rest of us do only 1) they do it better than we do and 2) they also seem to be more reluctant when it comes to ever getting around to doing anything about it.

Despite, say, the many positive aspects of the German social system which immediately catch a foreigner’s eye; an affordable and efficient health care system, long vacations, a practically gratuitous university education system, generous unemployment benefits etc., the prevailing feeling here about such achievements is one of resignation. Rightly so, perhaps, as many of these benefits have simply become too expensive in the current era of mass unemployment and seem now more like ancient artifacts of a by-gone age: The good old days. Früher war alles besser.

After a few minutes of watching Goodbye Deutschland! Die Auswanderer I was stupefied to see Germans who had not only stopped moaning about their lots in life, they were even willing to put everything they had on one card (not necessarily the green one) and leave their country behind them altogether. It’s what I guess you could call a reality-TV-report-documentary about five German families, all with very different backgrounds, who try their luck in Spain, Sweden, South Africa, a not-yet-disclosed South American country and, gulp, Texas.

Deine Green Card macht mich Green vor Neid.

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Most American working stiffs could only dream of having the three week paid vacation that the German long-term unemployed get. If they had the time to dream about stuff like that, that is. But all pleasant dreams, even those here in Germany, must sooner or later come to an end. Yup, it looks as though more of those infamous and dreaded Amerikanische Verhältnisse (American conditions) are not only creeping into the German working world Schritt für Schritt, they’ve begun creeping into the German non-working world now, too.

Native politicians are getting so bold these days that they are actually proposing a stunning Tabubruch (break of taboo) and want to cut vacation entirely for the long-term unemployed this fall. How shocking (not).

Cutting vacation for a German is the equivalent of I-CAN’T-BRING-MYSELF-TO-PRINT-THIS-HERE-IT’S-JUST-TOO-HORRIBLE-TO-CONTEMPLATE for other citizens of the world. It’s cruel and inhuman. It’s like Guantanamo or something.

Ich arbeite weil ich kann, ich mache Urlaub weil ich muss.

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Chancellor Merkel did everything but put on a cheerleading suit earlier this week by pointing out to everybody that the German economy has “turned the corner”. Where it actually went or is still going to now after having turned that corner is anybody’s guess of course, but the fact that it could still turn at all definitely seemed to have made her day.

Breaking with tradition, she pointed out that the traditional sluggish growth is less sluggish and the traditional high unemployment is less high than usual. She spoke about how the budget deficit is being addressed and how the trade surplus is growing and about all that tax revenue coming in and why therefore taxes are being, uh, raised – but there won’t be any tax hikes after this one anymore honestly truly she swears on the Gutenberg Bible etc.

All of this led her to conclude that it is high time for everybody out there to stop calling Germany “the sick man of Europe”.

“I mean, jeez,” she muttered in exasperation. “We are like the largest economy in Europe and export more of our products than ever before and are more innovative than ever so like let us out of this hospital ghetto cliché thing already.” She then reached around and patted herself on the back with both hands. Twice (put Bush neck rub joke HERE).

Sie strotzt ja vor Gesundheit.

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It is estimated that up to one third of the world’s population can speak some form of the English language. In the United States it’s already up to two thirds, for instance. But this creeping global threat doesn’t have to stay this threatening, or even creeping. With a little more effort we could ALL be speaking more and better English in no time. Or more and better Denglisch at the very least. If you live here, that is. And that’s the whole problem.

Deutsche Sprache hard Sprache.

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Make money, not war. Love, I mean. Whatever. News flash sort of: That big bully Israel who just beat up on all of those innocent Party of God liberation fighters down there in southern Lebanon but lost the war anyway (don’t ask, that’s just what you’re supposed to say) will be purchasing two new German-made Dolphin submarines for $1.27 billion, a third of which will be financed by the fun-and-peace-loving German government.

It could be worse, though. They could have made even more of a killing. This is actually a bargain basement price (billig will ich auch). We’re practically given’ um away, folks! Almost. Like the first two subs that were literally given away a few years back.

But don’t be alarmed. It clearly states in the sales contract (I think) that these subs ARE NOT ALLOWED EVER to cross the southern border of Lebanon or any other neighboring country in the future so, well, then everything’s legit.

Es spielt sich vieles unter der Oberfläche ab.

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Ich finde “Das Imperium Schlägt Zurück” am besten.

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When a judge ordered that a Lebanese student be held in connection with the recent discovery of suitcase bombs aboard trains heading for Dortmund and Koblenz, an intricately built house of cards fell down. Terrorism, like bird flu it seems, can happen here after all. And the fact that the bombing suspect was arrested after being identified on surveillance footage doesn’t help matters, either. Traditional concerns about citizen’s rights are suddenly being asked to ride in the back seat, leaving an awful taste in a lot of ever-concerned, politically correct mouths out there.

As Interior Minister Wolfgang Schäuble aptly put it, “We don’t know anymore who is living among us.” And in order to get to know these unknowns better, native political parties usually self-righteously outraged about such matters are now falling all over themselves to show understanding for the necessity of increased use of surveillance cameras in this day and age of high-insecurity. Voters appear to have suddenly become more flexible in these matters and elections must be coming up again or something.

Big Brother war auch so eine tolle Sendung.

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