Observing Hermann...

Some journalists just have a way with words. As Matthias Geis put it in this week’s Die Zeit article “Die Armee, die nicht verweigern darf” (The Army That Can’t Refuse), he writes i.e. understates that “(German) military missions are usually chosen with a clear view to the dangers involved...” Well ain’t that a mouthful of god-awful truth. He – and even the staunchest German pacifist out there by now – just can’t help but notice that Germany’s famous collective memory concerning what Chancellor Merkel labels the “historical duty” to defend Israel’s right to exist has become more selective these days instead.

It’s time for “utmost caution” again, in other words. Once Germany starts threatening to provide training for police and military forces, it’s all over folks. Angela Merkel is now in the process of institutionalizing a pattern of behavior that appears to be handmade for the German psyche. You know, that proven say-no-before-anybody-asks-you process begun by her predecessor - albeit she’s doing it for other reasons (she’s not up for election yet).

As ridiculous as it might sound, the 6,800 German troops currently in action around the world (good luck in the Congo today guys – seriously) is pretty much about it as far as German peacekeeping capacity goes. At least as far as the way Germans go about keeping the peace. Germany stopped spending on its military years ago, though strangely, the German weapons industry is charging along as hard is it ever was and making a “killing” as usual (apparently another sacred-cow-taboo-topic that is never addressed in this country).

And with all due respect about these threats to train police and military, I don’t think Israel needs a whole lot of help in this department, people. Oh sure, sorry. You meant the Lebanese (or did you mean the Hisbollah?). Nobody needs better trained police down there. What both of these countries need is a new buffer zone between each other. Lebanon has been hijacked again, you see. This will stop the rockets from being fired into northern Israel. That’s why Israel is there now. Get it?

Yes it’s true, Germany. It’s premature to talk about any of this peacekeeping stuff before a ceasefire actually takes place in Lebanon. And sure it’s a little early to talk about such forces when we don’t even know just who might be putting them together. But it’s just as premature to say no to something you haven’t even been asked to do yet. Especially when the hundred or so Iranian (excuse me, Hisbollah) katjusha rockets landing in northern Israel everyday seem to be coming in right on time.

Vorsicht ist geboten bzw. wurde gerade überboten.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Ich habe niemals an den Endsieg gezweifelt!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Ich bitte darum.

And this time for the better for once - for awhile, I think. Here, I mean (the only place that really matters). After everybody around these parts was putting together their last will(s) and testament(s) and the sky was falling and global warming just killed somebody’s dog and my neighbors started considering going back to church again because help-us-help-us we’re all gonna die now because of this dreadful climatic meltdown and killer (yawn) heat wave here, it is now miraculously over. It’s actually raining here in Berlin at the moment and the bitching and moaning about that will begin right after breakfast, too. Wanna bet?

Diese Erwärmungsdingsda ist und bleibt ein heißes Thema.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro.

PS: If you're worried about the climate, sell your car(s).

Many military experts even believe that given the proper war scenario this Cold War aircraft could possibly even bring the Cold War to an end if it where still going on any more that is but it’s not because hey stuff happens but we always stick to the plan anyway no matter what.

Despite some muffled criticism here and there about not having the designated potential enemy to use these things against anymore, a defense ministry spokesman has actually been quoted as having said “They will be a significant part of ensuring our soldiers’ safety on foreign deployments.”

Uh, like, in the Congo or something?

Für die Freiheit muss man immer bereit sein, Eurozufighten.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

The hard-working German will then be able to go home and take a little nap so he can return to work later (to work later), refreshed and full of energy and vitality and all that other stuff again. All the other Germans will be allowed to take this nap, too, of course.

Yup, if these clevere Kerlchen (clever fellas) get their way, the old nine-to-five drudgery will soon be a thing of the past. Then everybody will be doing nine-to-twelve-to-two-to-six drudgery instead. Germans just love to complicate stuff, you see. This makes things easier for them or something.

Ich arbeite wie ein Pferd, rieche aber anders.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich. 

Long before a ceasefire has even been reached in the current Mideast crises, much less the fruition of any concrete international peace-keeping plans, many Germans are already writhing in their seats in anguish and secretly wishing for the good ole’ days of Gerhard Schröder when they could just simply say no to constructive cooperation of any kind before ever even being asked.

Ich reich dir die Hand. Ich bin aber unbewaffnet, ja?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

An ecological niche is a location or “the range” of environmental variables (public buildings, for example) within which a species or an autonomous agent (a German smoker, say), can exist. Generally speaking, only one species can occupy a whole niche in an ecosystem like this at a time.

But Horst Seehofer, Germany’s minister for consumer affairs and not what you would call well-known for his “greenish” tendencies, knows this and doesn’t give a damn. He has said that he expects a ban on smoking in public places to take effect sometime in 2007, effectively depriving the German smoker, anything but an endangered species, but immerhin (still), of the environmental variables he has grown so accustomed to over the years.

It is not clear if the coming ban will include bars and restaurants, so some native smokers will be breathing a smoky sigh of relief about that one at least. Whew.

None of this would be much of in issue if it weren’t for the fact that Germany is one of the last of the EU countries that can still brag of having such an ecological niche like this at all. They have simply refused to get with the plan up until now.

Ich werde dann eben zuhause rauchen. Wenn meine Frau nicht da ist, meine ich. Auf dem Balkon. Bei günstigen Windbedingungen. Im Dunkeln.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar! 

Hier spielt die Musik. Im Libanon, meine ich.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Ich bitte darum! 

Ich hock’ in meinem Bonker…

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro.

“One mustn’t ask too much of the German army,” this guy actually said without breaking up in a burst of uproarious laughter. “One cannot be represented all over the world.” After checking his temperature, the journalists present realized that he was in fact serious and then marched off together to a nearby bar to order a few strong drinks.

Germany has a mere 6800 troops (predominantly logistical) stationed abroad in Afghanistan, Kosovo and the Federal Democratic Republic of Congo.

After having come to the conclusion some time back that the world has never been more peaceful and secure than it is today, the German government has kept it’s defense spending frozen for over three years. But, then again, rumor has it that the German government also believes in the Osterhase (Easter Bunny).

Müssen wir hier alles alleine machen?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Ich bitte darum!