Observing Hermann...

Chancellor Merkel has announced a “fundamental overhaul” i.e. reform of the controversial Hartz IV unemployment benefit reform in which “benefits would not be cut further”.  Wow, this reform is really going to hurt this time, too (not). Benefits are never cut in this country. There can’t be any losers here. It’s unthinkable.

The Hartz IV reform went into effect this year and brought together unemployment benefits and welfare benefits for the long-term unemployed, leaving them both at about the same lower level that welfare claimants received. Recipient’s benefits could also be cut if they refuse to accept a job – in theory, anyway. The idea is to “encourage” the long-term unemployed to accept a job instead of the lowered benefits. This has blown up in their face, of course, and the reform is now being abused right and left.

Why go to work, the natives ask themselves, if we can get more money by staying home? So now political action is required again and the reform will be reformed. Nothing will happen, in other words. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Nothing ever really will change here until the money finally runs out.

“Ich bin doch nicht blöd!"

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Iranian President and respected international conspiracy theorist Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is still not sure if he will be visiting Germany to cheer on Iran’s national soccer team during their match against Mexico on June 11. He is convinced that an “active worldwide network of Zionists” is trying to prevent him from doing so. He is also sure that someone has been putting stuff in his drinking water and yogurt lately and worries that those voices coming out of the bathroom sink keep getting louder all the time, too.

“My decision depends on a lot of different things,” said Ahmadinejad in an interview with the Spiegel. “But… what’s in your pencil? Give me your pencil immediately!” he said in a panic, snatching the pencil away from the interviewer’s hand and breaking it in half to look for the Zionist transmitting device he was expecting to find inside but didn’t. “They’re very clever about hiding those things,” he continued. “They put one in my shaving cream tube once. That's why I've stopped shaving since then, you know.”

He then went on to speculate about a possible connection between the said international conspiratorial forces and the Mexican national soccer team. “Look at the goalie there,” he said, pulling out a tattered photo from his jacket pocket. “Look closely. See his right ear? Now compare it to the left one. Now if that guy’s not a Zionist then I’ll start traipsing around in one of those Jewish cap thingies.”

The interview then came to an abrupt end when a group of whitely-clad Iranian “security personnel” that travel with him day and night intervened and led him away for what they called “his afternoon nap”. 

Mir geht's gut! Ich brauche die Spritze nicht!

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PS: Hmmm. He may have something here after all.

In behaviour worthy of a delirious, invading horde of born-again American religious fundamentalists, the Saudi Arabian World Cup soccer team has desecrated a German hotel near Frankfurt by having all alcohol removed from the mini-bars and the porno channels shut off. Even a few of those boring, so-called “tasteful” nude photos in the fitness area were despoiled.

In a craven kowtow to cultural diversity and an open admission to their all-consuming love of money, the management of Hotel Dolce in Bad Nauheim has now begun enforcing strict Islamic law and has made the consumption of alcoholic beverages and images of hot, naked women a grave offence.

When asked about the possible introduction of the Sharia during the World Cup festivities, one of the hotel managers explained that this will unfortunately be impossible as none of the hotel employees are in possession of a valid German weapon’s permit for curved Islamic swords.

Andere Länder, andere Sitten.

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As if the ritual, ten-year-long moaning and groaning about the planning, cost, design, delay and even Sinn und Zweck (reason) of the capital’s new main train station had not been enough, it’s opening ceremony was ruined yesterday by what appears to have been an attack from outer space.

In what was supposed to have been the Berlin equivalent of a small-town ribbon-cutting ceremony featuring Chancellor Merkel and a handful of native dignitaries (she was on her way home anyway and also wanted to grab a quick Currywurst), the ceremony quickly turned into the Berlin equivalent of a small-town ribbon-cutting ceremony.

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” screamed one unnamed city official shortly after the alien laser attack began. “Those are Klingon ships!”

Eerie, unearthly flashes of light, deafening explosions and inexplicable telepathic forces stunned the hysterical audience, quickly turning them into the willing slaves of a yet unnamed and invisible EVIL and otherworldly superpower.

But the aliens seemed to have had a few logistical problems and ran out of ammunition after about ten minutes. The new Hauptbahnhof’s doors were then opened and everybody went inside to go shopping. 

Sowat außerirdischet habe ick noch nie gesehen!

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Native writer Florian Langenscheidt appears to be mad as hell and isn’t going to take it anymore. Apparently tired of screaming to a deaf nation through any open window he could find about how wonderful Germany really and truly is, it finally struck him that he could write a book about it instead. And to the shock and dismay of the public at large (not), he actually found a native publisher who was willing to put it out on the market. 

“Das Beste an Deutschland” (The Best Things about Germany) offers the native reader 250 reasons to love his or her native country. As you can see, in Langenscheidt’s view Dachshunds, pretzels and Heidi Klum are among them and quickly bring the number down to 247. What you don’t see, at least not at first glance, is that over 70 of the other remaining reasons are well-known “native” brands. Giant, international native brands. Like, well, Heidi Klum herself (she was made in a German laboratory, though). I mean, is the Mercedes star really German anymore? Is Coca Cola American?

The whole thing is about branding, of course. Only this is branding that you can actually buy and take home with you. It’s a branding of the branding. You get to pay twice, in other words.

That Germany needs to reinvent itself branding-wise is certainly nothing new, at least in terms of what its own citizens have to think about the country. But with the World Cup approaching in just two weeks, Germany needs desperately to “put on a happy face” it seems - as in right now - and still doesn’t know how.

I recommend picking it up. This might possibly be the first self-help book ever written for an entire nation and could turn out to be quite a collector’s item. And seriously, let’s face it. The guy’s got his heart in the right place. It’s better to try too hard than not to try at all

Mir wird warm ums Herz. Ich gehe am besten gleich zum Arzt, oder?

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I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of you native fathers and other men folk out there who are still sober enough to read this a happy Herrentag (Men’s or Father’s Day). Held on Ascension Day, Father’s Day in Germany is observed differently than in lots of other countries and is basically, well, a whole lot more fun. It is what some would call a boy’s day out, only with men and alcohol. It’s an official holiday and an official excuse for a lot of those irresponsible male types to come out of their closets and be politically incorrect and meet their buds “out in the woods” to drink too much and celebrate themselves and act stupid with impunity. Lots of them do this all year long, of course, but today they’re allowed. Sort of. Knock yourselves out, fellas.

Talk about survival tips (posts below). For the upcoming World Cup, I mean. If you are 1) a soccer freak 2) planning on flying over to celebrate the World Cup here in Germany week after next and 3) like to drink beer (don’t laugh, there actually are soccer freaks who don’t like to drink beer – in theory, anyway), don’t start wondering if all the native bartenders you will be coming into contact with despise you and make you wait so ewig (eternally) long for your beer like that on purpose. They do. No, not hate you. Make you wait so long. On purpose, I mean. Let me explain.

This is one of the most ancient and most holy of all German drinking rituals, not unlike the Japanese tea drinking ritual in, uh, Japan. Only it’s beer so it’s more important. And its German beer in Germany um Gottes willen (for heaven’s sakes) so show a little respect, okay?

First of all, the glass gets “brushed” with the Bierpinsel. No, it’s not a real brush. Never mind. Let me start again. They want the inside of the beer glass to be a little wet so that the beer doesn’t foam too much. This is a complete waste of time, of course. That the friggin beer is going to foam too much anyway doesn’t matter to these hardened professionals, that’s just what they do (respect, remember?). And foam, in the end, is the reason you have to wait so long. They let the head settle for a bit and then top it up again. There’s this little “foam line” line thingy on the side of the glass and there has to be “real” beer below it before they can serve it, see? So that's why they wait some more and top it up again.

And then they wait some more and top it up again. And then they wait some more and top it up again. Do you see that a pattern is now developing here?

Anyway, ten or fifteen minutes later (I swear I’ve waited 15 minutes before), your beer is finally ready and gets served with a smile. Well, it gets served anyway.

Three key phrases to repeat indefinitely here: 1) Ein Bier, bitte. 2) Dankeschön. 3) Noch ein Bier, bitte.  

Fußball ist nicht mein Bier. Bier schon.

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A brown bear’s brazen attempt to illegally enter Germany has been thwarted by watchful authorities. The bear, the first to be seen in a German forest in over 170 years, had apparently snuck over the Austrian border with forged Slovenian papers.

“I noticed right off that there was something fishy about the signature,” noted an alert local policeman doing a routine ID check at a small roadside crossing. “I called the feds immediately, of course.”

Dozens of heavily armed professional killers were then flown in to locate and blow the brains out of the uninvited, unauthorized guest.

Tensions over immigration policy in Germany have intensified in recent years as an extremely low national birth rate makes immigration necessary for sustained economic growth. According to the prestigious German Institute for Economic Research (DIW), only an annual influx of about 140,000 people or bears can offset Germany's rapid decrease in potential workers and ensure the survival of the national retirement and health care systems.

But bears, especially brown ones, are viewed here as being notorious freeloaders and most Germans believe that they only come here to abuse the system. 

Talk about chutzpa”, noted one camouflaged immigration official while taking aim and firing at what later turned out to be a Dachshund, “He figured he would just parade right in here and make himself at home. Just like that. Without going through any of the formalities or anything, I mean. Right, as if. Duck your head!”

The bear nevertheless managed to escape, seemingly vanishing into thin air.

And this too has aroused by many the disturbing premonition that perhaps some new and sinister Russian mafia-like bear-channeling organization could now be active in Germany.

Da tanzt der Bär!

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The Times reported Monday that France, Germany and Italy have not paid over $45 million to gain the release of their hostages in Iraq. Jordan, Romania, Sweden and Turkey didn’t pay for the release of their hostages in Iraq, either. Britain neither – just “expenses” for intermediaries who helped them make contact with the kidnappers. Neither did some US companies for their employees kidnapped there. The US government was apparently not available for comment about any payments they have most certainly not made.

The breakdown rough guesstimate of the non-payments as of this writing is as follows:

Germany: $ 8 million.

Italy: $11 million.  

France: $25 million.

There are no reliable figures about what those other remaining el cheapo countries/companies involved here were not willing to shell out but it couldn’t have been much more than a million or two for each of their hostages that they didn’t pay for.

Some Hitzkopf (hothead) politicians and uninformed people on the street are angered at the behavior of these governments and argue that the whole not paying ransom thing only encourages gangs and thugs and terrorists to keep grabbing more foreign captives.

But these folks just don’t get it, calmly reply their uppity spokesmen. Once a government starts saying it pays, they say, only then does it encourage gangs and thugs and terrorists to keep grabbing more foreign captives. What part of not paying don’t you understand?

Verstehe. Glaube ich.

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Am I having a German lifestyle yet? Wow, German survival tips really do seem to be the rage these days. Tips about surviving German idiosyncrasies, I mean.

The lingo thing, for instance:

“Germans are fond of saying they don’t speak English. Don’t believe them. Even the beggars can panhandle in a foreign language. Apparently innate shyness and fear of risking imperfection are what prevent many from speaking English.”

Well that’s always been my excuse. About not wanting to speak English, I mean. But I’ll speak German with anybody. Then they’re the ones who have the problem.

Du mich verstehen können?

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PS: Hmmm. On a sadder note, recent events seem to put making jokes about survival in Germany in a completely different light.