Saturday, December 30, 2006

And now for something completely different (not)

I know what you’re thinking: He’s not really going to do this, is he? Damn right I am. This is one German tradition I really love. A bit strange maybe, but aren’t most traditions – when they’re not yours, I mean?



For some inexplicable reason, everybody in Germany gathers around the TV to watch the very British “Dinner for One” every New Year’s Eve. And don’t worry about precisely when it will be playing, either. They run it everywhere at least once, on practically every channel it seems. You can’t miss it.

And now you can’t even miss it. And you don’t even live here! Enjoy.

Happy New Year!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 


PS: Talk about "dumb as bread", as the Germans like to say. Gut gemacht! Thanks for the Bernd link, jmc.
Posted by clarsonimus at 11:23:08 | Permanent Link | Comments (9) |

Friday, December 29, 2006

Alien invasion of Germany immanent

Not only do 82 percent of all Germans believe that their politicians aren’t concerned about the interests of the general population, 40 percent of all Germans believe in the existence of aliens (I know, sorry, numbers everywhere you look these days). No, not the ones that sneak across the border at night (they’re not that naïve), aliens from outer space. And half of those surveyed believe that these intelligent outer space alien types have already been (or are) here already. And two thirds of those polled believe that they are the “friendly” type. Right. Now that is naïve.



You can call me old-fashioned if you want to, but I wouldn’t trust any outer space alien claiming to be intelligent as far as I could throw him. And from the looks of those two up there, I bet you that could be pretty far, too. But no, the Germans are convinced as usual that hairless insurgent scum types like these have come in peace, that they are on some friggin’ peacekeeping mission or something. Like give me a bah-reak!

Ohne mich (not with me, buddy). I’m grabbing my gun – oops, I live in Germany. Alright then, I’ll go out and gather some big rocks. Then I’m going to run downstairs and hide in the friggin’ Keller with some dry goods and some less than dry goods (that’s where they like to store their beer here, you see) and sit out New Year’s Eve from down there.

That’s when they’re going to attack, you know. I can feel it.

An irgendwas muss man ja glauben.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:05:01 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Christmas choir closes year with loud moaning

Thousands of Germans from all over the country have gathered together hand in hand to form a massive human chain and close out the year by loudly moaning and groaning about how victimized, underrepresented and politically powerless they are. I mean figuratively speaking, of course.



A new opinion poll has determined that only 18 percent of Germans feel that they have an actual political say in their lives. About 82 percent believe that the politicians they themselves have elected “do not take into account the interests of the people”, whatever that might mean. An overwhelming majority is unhappy with the very government they went out of their way to elect, in other words. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to call it the government they went out of their way not to elect, being that Germans obviously prefer to vote no, as clearly indicated by the poll results themselves.

That the country is currently enjoying a remarkable and completely unexpected economic boom, that unemployment is at its lowest level in over fifteen years and still dropping, that the Reformchen (little reforms) undertaken by the current coalition government, though meager, are already bearing fruit everywhere, none of this was represented anywhere in the survey. Or by any of the questions being asked, I should say.

The native on the street doesn’t like to hear questions like those being asked. They always leave him with the sneaking suspicion that he might not be as powerless as he thinks he is and, heaven forbid, free to take his life into your own hands as he chooses – and votes.

Singen können wir.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:15:22 | Permanent Link | Comments (8) |

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Bono threatens to hug German Chancellor again

As if Angela Merkel didn’t have enough to worry about these days, what with Germany taking over the presidencies of both the EU and the G8 next week, rock-celebrity-pro-Africa-anti-Aids-activists Bono and Bob (Geldof) are now openly stalking the German Chancellor and threatening to give her a hug.



If she doesn’t comply with their wishes, that is. And erst recht (for sure) if she does.

In an attempt to placate the over-affectionate-and-hill do-gooders, and shuddering at the mere recollection of a much-photographed hug the poorly-shaven Bono gave her during the Davos world economic summit last January, Merkel has belatedly expanded her G8 agenda to include priorities on African good governance, investment and anti-Aids work. She is also now carrying a large can of pepper spray in her purse.

Bono and Bob, notorious hug-Wüstlinge (debauchees) and ruthless, guilt-exploiting Robin Hood types, have made no secret about their plans to bring their take-from-the-rich campaign to Germany once it assumes the chairmanship of the rich countries’ club. Data, their London-based campaign group, even plans to open an office in Berlin next month, where it will begin working with German film-makers and television companies to raise awareness for their campaign.

And as if all the hugging that followed those Live 8 concerts in 2005 (linked to the British G8 summit in Gleneagles) wasn’t enough, German intelligence reports indicate that Geldof is planning something called “intellectual aid” in Germany – a series of debates with German thinkers on African development and the role of the west.

A series of debates? With German thinkers? I’d rather get the hug than have to listen to that. No, come to think of it, I wouldn’t. But I would rather pepper spray myself.

Händeschütteln hätte gereicht.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 10:35:01 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Christmas spirit getting really annoying

As if the repentant German thief who robbed a post office on Christmas Eve and then returned the loot a few hours later wasn’t enough (Okay, okay this isn’t Hollywood, he kept a third of it for himself), now the German under-20 hockey team handed the US team a Christmas present of its own. The punks.

Merry Christmas!

Oh boy, oh boy. I can’t wait for New Year’s Eve.

Schon wieder eine schöne Bescherung.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:07:51 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Berlin falling further behind in the mega-city rat race

The UN has estimated that 45 cities will grow by a million or more people during the next decade and 44 of them will be in developing countries (10 in India alone). And as Europe’s population “stabilizes”, only four of its cities will be among the 100 biggest by the year 2015: Paris, London, Madrid and Barcelona. Not even Rome and Berlin will make the cut.

By 2015 the world will have 22 cities with more than 10 million residents. Of these, 18 will be in developing countries in Asia, Africa, Latin America and Eastern Europe. And although Tokyo has long been the world’s mega-city champion with 20 million people (a city with a population the size of Australia’s) it will soon be joined by Mumbai, Mexico City, and Sao Paulo. Way to go, industrialized world (or whatever world they call it these days). Like, how lame is that?

Earth to Berlin! Earth to Berlin! Can you read me? Come on, people. I always knew that the Berliners were sticklers for stability, but this is starting to get out of hand. Do yourselves a favor and destabilize a little over the holiday season, preferably with a nice bottle of wine and a little candlelight, and get your city back into the rat race where it belongs. I think. Or at least tu so als ob (pretend to try).

Dabei zu sein ist alles.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 09:49:25 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Saturday, December 23, 2006

The search goes on...

You can run, buddy. But you can't hide. Not forever, I mean.



Frohe Weihnachten already!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 09:50:52 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Friday, December 22, 2006

German spy satellite to begin non-combat peacekeeping spy mission

Germany's first military spy satellite was launched into orbit Thursday on a Russian Cosmos 3M rocket and will soon begin it’s highly publicized and politically correct spying mission. The German-French SAR-Lupe joint venture reconnaissance system has been expressly designed to furnish NATO commanders with extremely high-resolution radar imagery of practically any place on earth where no conflict of any kind is taking place.

Where no spy satellite has gone before...

“This is a purely non-combat spying mission,” said a spokesman for the German government. “Under the existing Bundestag mandate, our satellites will only be able to furnish information about areas that are completely free of conflict, violence or hurt feelings of any kind. And once you consider that our incredibly sophisticated X-band radar offers a resolution of about 50 centimeters or so, well, these systems won’t have a whole lot to do, at least at first. That narrows our area of operation down to about 0.12 percent of the earth’s surface. We’ll be starting off with the North Pole, I guess. Or with what's left of it. It is Christmas season, you know. Ho, ho, ho.”

The satellite’s launch corresponds with another German reconnaissance issue, albeit this one potentially more contentious. NATO has requested in a confidential letter that the German military deploy German Tornado surveillance and fighter jets to Afghanistan. Berlin, long under pressure to take a more active role in that country, has agreed to comply, even though this in a place where people are actually shooting at each other.

Needless to say, the German parliament was not given a chance to debate the matter. It is Christmas season, you know. Ho, ho, ho.

Ich sehe was, was du nicht siehst.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:04:29 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Germans about as stressed-out as we figured they were

They are Weltmeister (world champions) when it comes to stress, in other words. Another Ipsos survey has determined that Germans are the most regularly stressed-out people in the industrialized world. The British are about to explode, too, so the survey, while the Spanish see the world in a much more kicked-back fashion (must be the siestas). The Mexicans, with 50 million people living below the poverty line and, on the one hand, understandably worried about money, are nevertheless the least stressed of all. Like, mañana dude.

Just over half of the Germans surveyed said they "frequently" felt stressed, the highest percentage of any of the countries polled. And thirty-seven per cent of them blamed it on their job. It seems that they and the British and everybody else from the more affluent countries are less worried about poverty as they are about what they have to do for a living - or how much longer they are going to be allowed to do it.

But these numbers should be taken with a grain of salt, I find. Of the one thousand people representing the nine countries surveyed, the Germans moaned so much and so loudly that several of the poll takers couldn’t take the stress anymore and quit on the spot. I mean, were their numbers factored into the equation, too?

Ich kann nicht mehr.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:25:28 | Permanent Link | Comments (8) |

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

New endangered words discovered, quickly forgotten again

The German vocabulary keeps growing at an alarming rate. Strange new exotic terms like Ich-AG (me incorporated), Fanmeile (fan mile) or even Blog (blog) are forcefully breaking and entering their way into the language on a daily basis. Over 8000 new words have snuck into German (Germany?) during the past eight years alone, word scientists say. And as you can see, not all of these words are necessarily these new fangled “new German” (English) words, either, though it helps.

But where do the old words go to die? No one knows for sure because they’re so damned hard to remember. And if you can’t remember them, you can’t trace down their past anymore. Much less notify their next of kin. That’s why Spiegel online is going to get a little proactive here and start collecting these no-longer-all-that-valuable collector’s items before the next batch disappears again without us noticing or much less caring.
Starting in January, they will be bringing out their Wort zum Montag (word for Monday, a playful reference to the religious program Wort zum Sonntag or word for Sunday) post in which words that are about to be forgotten get forgotten properly and buried outright.

You know, like the German equivalent to “test pattern”. Stuff like that. That sounds like a good first victim, too. I’d completely forgotten about them. Or do you remember test patterns? Amen.

I’ve got your endangered word for you right here, buddy.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 


PS: Another endangered word (I hope) might be Kinderspiel, at least the way they mean it here.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:20:22 | Permanent Link | Comments (5) |
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