Wednesday, November 29, 2006

New US soccer coach found

An American defender playing for Hannover told his cousin who called a friend whose kids found out about it and quickly spread the rumor at school where a group of teachers called up unidentified media sources who then reported that Jürgen Klinsmann will pretty much likely for sure maybe be taking over as the new US national soccer (some still insist upon calling it football) coach.



So this time it’s official.

Wir können diese Berichte aber nicht bestätigen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 


PS: Thanks for the train station link, Vij. Architecture has priority.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:30:40 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Turks can hardly wait for Pope’s visit

Always open for what they will perceive to be a good inflammatory remark or two, Muslim Turks are anxiously awaiting the Pope’s four-day visit to Turkey beginning today. Vatican sources report that the Pope is getting pretty anxious about it, too.



Pope Benedict XVI, well-known the Muslim world over for his rather dry theological dissertations, one of which having actually included a quote from an obscure 14th century Christian emperor which might have implied that there could possibly maybe somehow be a connection between Islam and violence, is actually visiting Turkey to try and heal a rift between the Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Church, but nobody seems to care about that for some reason.

Spokesmen for Muslim Turks say that despite the recent spat, they will definitely be seeking dialogue with the German Pope. They will be monitoring his every word, however, some possibly even through the scopes of high-powered rifles.

It is unclear as to whether the Pope will be visiting Istanbul’s famous Blue Mosque with Orthodox Patriarch Bartholomew or not, but other gestures of reconciliation to the Eastern Orthodox Church are definitely planned. One unconfirmed report claims, for instance, that the Pope will publicly suggest renaming Istanbul to Constantinople again.

Meine Damen und Herren, liebe Türken…

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar. 


PS: And speaking of holiness… Yikes, Joe!
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:05:40 | Permanent Link | Comments (8) |

Monday, November 27, 2006

Corruption scandals improving Germany’s image

Taking many Germans completely off guard, recent allegations that Siemens has links to an embezzlement scandal involving a Nigerian dictator and the long-running bribery investigation at Volkswagen have actually improved Germany’s standing in the international business community.

“Wow,” said one American mega-manager who wished to remain unnamed. “I never figured that the Germans were this sleazy. I mean, you know, they’ve had to carry around this squeaky-clean image with them for years and years like that and I suppose that after a time, they actually started believing that nonsense themselves. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing, I guess. It’s good that someone has finally developed the courage and the backbone to break out of such a vicious circle of pathological denial like that. I’m so happy for them.”

The unnamed captain of industry, also wearing a dark hood, then went on to explain that to the best of his knowledge, these two spectacular scandals are actually just the latest in a long series of disgraceful and unethical German misbehavior which has taken place in recent years.

“These guys aren’t in the Enron league or anything,” he said. “But give them a couple years and you might see some stellar performance. They’re hungry, you know? Like locusts. And a real pleasure to watch. Everybody likes an underdog. Or underhund, I guess they call them over there.”

Wir können auch anders.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 


PS: Thanks for the link, Daniel.
Posted by clarsonimus at 08:59:57 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Lame Ducks

The more things change, the more they stay the same. On either side of the Atlantic, it seems. Germany’s grand coalition under Chancellor Angela Merkel has been in power for a year now but other than having applied a band-aid or two on existing social systems here, the coalition partners have accomplished little more than a benevolent Stillstand (standstill) on the reform front. The real effort is being placed in positioning themselves for the next election, which will be soon enough. And the real question is whether this will blow up in their faces or not.

Now it’s America’s turn to languish domestically for a few years. The Democrats have wasted no time in getting off on the wrong foot. Not only does Nancy Pelosi shoot herself in said foot the first week after the election by breaking with tradition and openly supporting a challenging candidate for majority leader who then loses, thus raising serious questions about her leadership ability and political instinct, she and her fellow Democrats have gone out of their way to pack the Congress with pretty much the same committee chairmen who were kicked out of office during the Republican takeover back in 1994, the very same individuals mind you.

These new/old chairmen are the same old left wing Democrats who went extinct during the Clinton era but still don’t know it because nobody has had the heart to tell them yet. They are still physically present, you see, and that would be rude, I guess. It's the middle, stupid. But their function will now be to spend the next two years calling together investigative committees to explain the past six years of the Bush presidency. Needless to say, they will perform this duty admirably. And they will waste all of our time, the moderate Democrats’ time, too, by the way (just ask the Clintonistas).

You see, the real effort will now be placed in positioning themselves for the next election, which will be soon enough. And the real question is whether this will blow up in their faces or not. Do you see any parallels here yet?

The President of the United States may indeed soon have become a lame duck, but he will certainly be in the best of company.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Submitted to Carnival of German-American Relations

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:33:56 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Helge Gefahr is being underestimated

Up until recently, if you satirized a certain chapter of the German past, you were at best accused of Verharmlosung (playing “it” down). At worst you were no good Nazi Dreck (filth). Now it seems as if the tables have turned and the only no good filth guys left out there these days (right out there?) are the ones tying to take the past seriously.



And this makes me worry (not). I am convinced that musician-comedian-writer-actor Helge Schneider is being underestimated in exactly the same way that you-know-who was. I mean, let’s face it; EVERYBODY underestimated A. H., that’s why he happened. And this is why I fear that Dani Levy’s soon-to-be-released farce "Mein Fuehrer: The Truly Truest Truth About Adolf Hitler" could possibly unleash upon the unsuspecting, non-German speaking world (and it’s a big one) a comic megalomaniac the likes of which none of you out there have ever seen. And maybe that’s been for the best, too.

This is a Helge Schneider plug, in other words. No, of course I haven’t seen this film. And I probably even won’t (too cheap). But Helge Schneider is always funny as hell and if anybody can make you laugh about you-know-who (and I’m still not sure if it’s possible), this guy can. Okay, okay, Charlie Chaplain. Sorry.

The only problem is that Helge Schneider is untranslatable. Not just the language, I mean, his humor. You have to see it to believe it, and even then sometimes you don't. Believe it, I mean. There's no way that his clowning around can work but it does every time. Well I think it does. But hey, perhaps some things are better left unsaid/untranslatable. Because like Dani Levy said himself, “Comedy is more subversive than tragedy.”

Fitze Fitze Fatze, Fitze Fitze Fatz.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:18:37 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Friday, November 24, 2006

California Highway Patrolman hassled by German cops

A California Highway Patrolman pulling duty on Thanksgiving, minding everybody else’s business as usual and harmlessly cruising down the stretch from Göttingen to Bavaria got pulled over and like totally hassled by these two pushy German cop dudes. And then it got like soo groady and totally worse.



Officer T. J. Lazer (that was the name on his badge) was then booked by these two police brutalities for angeblich (allegedly) imitating a police officer, even though everyone there could plainly see that he was in uniform and driving a genuine CHP patrol vehicle, albeit 30 years old. The car, I mean, not the uniform.

Is nothing sacred anymore? I remember a time when California Highway Patrolmen were the guys doing all the pushing and the booking around here. Or there, I mean. Has the Golden State sunk so low that we now allow foreign police authorities to police us on their own streets and freeways (the key word here is free)?

I’m going to write the Governor about this. I’m going to tell him all about these brash and offensive, German-speaking officers. Although, come to think of it, I might leave that German-speaking part out.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 


PS: Thanks for the Hessian link, Zyme.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:44:36 | Permanent Link | Comments (7) |

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Blood sucking German locusts attack Belgium

Volkswagen’s announcement of its closure of a production facility near Brussels and the loss of 3,500 non-German jobs there was met with loud yawning and general disinterest in the German media and public today.



Normally, such Heuschrecken attacks are met with demonstrative Empörung (outrage) and cause a really big stir among the folks here, but for some strange reason this particular incident appears to be less threatening than usual. Some economic analysts and brainy egghead types have been scrambling for an explanation and have decided to go way out on a limb and attribute this reaction to the fact that it’s because German blood suckers are doing the attacking this time.

After all, Volkswagen is a brand you can trust. Everyone knows that the company is currently suffering with overcapacity problems in production and undercapacity problems in management. Well actually that undercapacity problem has been going on for the past ten, twenty or thirty years. But still. I mean, they have to eventually start cutting jobs somewhere, don’t they?

At least the locusts have already moved on from Belgium in the meantime. It appears as if they have not yet finished grazing, however. Latest word and modern radar tracking technology indicates that they are now on their way to another non-German location called Pamplona to finish off a VW factory there.

Mit VW weißt du was du hast.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:41:04 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The evil from without

Das war klar (we knew this one was coming). Some sad, misguided and neglected kid easily organizes some high-powered weapons in the land of gun control and decides to commit suicide at the place he hated best. But what’s the first reaction that comes out of Berlin? Violent computer games must be behind all of this. It can’t happen here, you see.

“Violent computer games” is just another coded term for “the evil from without”, i.e. anything and everything that is perceived to come out of the United States of America. Especially anything that has to do with computer technology, I might add (Germans don’t trust it as in IT; they are clearly technikfeindlich in these matters).

Nobody asked about what his family was failing to do with this kid the past eighteen years. Nobody wonders why he writes the following in his suicide note: “The only thing I learned intensively at school was that I’m a loser.” These are obviously matters that are beyond political control, right? But bedeviling violent computer games that nobody is being forced to buy or play, that’s an easy one. That’s got the right emotional and irrational touch to it that immediately sells big in the land of Dichter und Denker. It’s the easiest scapegoat you could ever wish to have, a freebie.

I think one CDU politician’s comments inadvertently put it best: “We need effective guidelines to protect children from exposure to different types of media, but we don't need (simulated) killer games that can lead to brutalisation." I couldn’t agree more. Back home we call those guidelines families, responsible families.

And hasn’t anybody ever noticed that the same “losers” who go mad like this back home are also the same ones growing up without these very guidelines?

None of this has anything at all to do with violent computer games. Let’s move on to the next level.

Und Fernsehen darf ich auch nicht gucken!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:41:33 | Permanent Link | Comments (8) |

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The art of blame

Or the art of shame, I should say. Possession isn’t nine-tenths of the law after all. Works of art robbed from Jewish art collectors during the Nazi-era are going like hotcakes. Out the door of German museums (where they have been hanging for decades) and then out the doors of auction houses and into the limousines of the ultra-rich, that is. A wave of restitution claims being made by the heirs of the robbed is robbing many financially challenged German museums of another valuable unnatural resource, as well: Money.

What goes around comes around, as they say. And at least everybody has hurt feelings now (and that’s the main thing). The heirs feel that they are being verarscht (made the sucker) by the museums and the museums feel they are being verarscht by the wealthy auction houses who are using these restitution claims to force this art onto the market where the museums get outgunned by the mega-rich. Oh yeah, and the viewing public loses, too.

"Everybody knows that the people behind many of these restitution claims are not really the heirs but the big auction houses," said one official in charge of Berlin's famous Die Brücke museum.

This may or may not be true, but stolen is stolen, right? Or wrong, I mean. Unfortunately, one could come to the conclusion that robbed art is seen here in the same way the Autobahn is seen. You know, not everything Hitler did was bad.

Aber wir haben es zuerst gestohlen!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 


PS: Talk about blame! Thanks for the link, Vij.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:16:40 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Fly the friendly skies

 

Sicherheit geht (noch) vor.

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Posted by clarsonimus at 07:08:30 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |
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