Monday, October 30, 2006

Pacifist Germans beating the crap out of each other during their leisure time

Man, the World Cup was a long, long time ago, wasn’t it? It looks like German soccer is more dangerous than German military service is these days (unless you’re doing peacekeeping near Israel). At least if you’re a cop or a referee in one of the "lower" soccer leagues. Or a fan, of course. Or a player.

Over 80 people were injured in attacks in Berlin during a match against Dresden this weekend, for instance. But it’s becoming a problem everywhere, it seems. Things have gotten so hot in a little cow town called Siegen-Wittgenstein that 70 amateur games actually had to be canceled.

Whole new sports are developing around this wholly old sport, it seems. One is called let’s-force-the-referee-to-lock-himself-in-his-dressing-room. Another one is let’s-KO-the-linesman-with-a-beer-glass (out of plastic, and that’s hard to do). Even the officials themselves are getting in on the fun, it seems. One linesman stabbed another one with a corner flag the other day.

But at least once these matches are over, one can rest assured that everything will return to normal. You know, windows get shattered, cars get vandalized, subway trains get  tipped, any bystanders caught in the way get shouted at and insulted, pepper spray starts spraying, stuff like that. Then it’s Monday and everybody goes back to work.

And an entire work week of enforced civilized behavior like that in the office can really build up a lot of aggression in a guy, know what I’m sayin’?

Es lebe König Fußball und seine Untertanen!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:52:35 | Permanent Link | Comments (5) |

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Hyp-Hop

You know, as in Hypocrisy-Hop? Everybody’s doing it these days.

“So yo, who put down the beat first? That’s hard to say, homey. But if you suckas take a look at the latest rhyme going on, Germany’s “skull scandal”, you’ll see that they ain’t no stoppin’ dis bitch. U can’t touch this, know what I’m sayin’?”

The Empörung (outrage) that everyone in Germany is so demonstratively expressing now about the misbehavior of a handful of Bundeswehr troops in Afghanistan three years ago, though correct in its condemnation, is completely out of proportion to the gravity of the offense. The degree of this reaction is only explicable when one factors in Germany’s favorite, longstanding role of being the blameless evangelist in all matters concerning political correctness and morality - at least when it comes to anything that Germany has to say about what the United States is involved in (see Guantanamo).

Many Americans, for their part, are openly expressing Schadenfreude (gloating) about Germany’s fall from the moral high ground and expect that Germans will now have to qualify their future comments a bit when it comes to incidents Americans are anything but proud about (see Abu Ghraib). You know, misery loves company.

And the Afghani outrage about this matter, though understandable, comes over to me as being artificial and calculated, especially now that one is openly speculating about the origin of the defiled remains; they where most likely those of fallen Russian soldiers. It’s not like they would have ever abused Russian bodies, right? And come to think of it, I cannot recall the Afghani reaction to the desecrated American bodies being dragged through the streets of Libya or hung from bridges in Iraq. But I can imagine it, though. And I don’t like what I see.

The Russian’s haven’t made a comment about this yet, by the way. But should they, it’ll certainly going to be good one. They can Hyp-Hop with the best of us.

“So it’s back in da limo with me and my crew where we gonna beatbox the next sample and mix up da rhyme for the next time.” And don’t worry, either. There always is a next time.

Wir sind mehr betroffen als ihr!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:44:11 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Saturday, October 28, 2006

German and Jewish states all touchy about something

German claims that two Israeli F-16s fired at a German ship have been denied by Israel. The German Defense Ministry than said something to the effect of “Oh yes you did,” to which an Israeli Defense Ministry spokesman stuck out his tongue and replied “Oh no, we didn’t.” And so on and so forth already.

Berlin’s Der Tagesspiegel (The Daily Mirror) reported that the incident, which took place on Tuesday, involved the unarmed reconnaissance vessel Alster, a helicopter, the two Israeli F-16s, some poorly or accurately aimed shots (take your pick) and dozens of nervous Germans and Jews.

The Alster is cruising before the coast of Lebanon as part of the UNIFIL peacekeeping force meant to prevent weapons smuggling into that country. But one Israeli spokesman claims that the ship was not officially listed as part of this flotilla. Nor was the helicopter which lifted from it authorized to fly in the area in which the incident (which do not take place) took place.

Hmmm, I’m a little skeptical about this one. Germans are really good about organizing Ausflüge (trips) and packing up their bags with the right stuff and putting together accurate lists etc. But hey, everybody’s in denial again.

“I’m telling you, there was no such incident,” said another unnamed Israeli military spokesman with clinched teeth and fists. “And if this dirt talk doesn’t stop soon, they’ll be no such ship, either.”

Wow. This is escalating into something big (not). There is even talk of war. But it’s more about the one that went on in Afghanistan. Or what happened afterwards, that is.

Nie wieder Peacekeeping!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 


PS: Oops. Thanks for the Alster link, Zyme.
Posted by clarsonimus at 08:30:22 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Friday, October 27, 2006

Exceptions soon to be the rule in the German labor market

It used to be that full-time employment and job security were givens in Germany. But a growing number of exceptions to these rules are now turning the old system on its graying, stubborn head. Well, that’s not quite right. This old way of doing things, with über-regulation, high costs and stifling labor laws, is actually still alive and well. It’s just that the number of employees who still fall into this category is dwindling from day to day and the whole concept appears to be on the road to extinction.

Those who fall out of this cushy old-fashioned hammock now land in a parallel “atypical” labor system/universe. Its inhabitants are extremely flexible and mobile workers (they have to be) who are desperately searching for the permanent, full-time work they, or better, their parents once knew. But fewer and fewer of these growing masses will ever be offered a permanent position, their employers preferring the flexibility and lower costs that come along with temporary contracts.

But how can they get away with this, you ask? Because the employers hiring these new worker drones no longer want to pay the higher wages and Abgaben (payroll deductions) that the old system demands. So there we have it; a de facto Zwei-Klassen-System (two class system) in a country that has an allergic reaction to anything that implies class (see the “underclass” debate - which actually brings us up/down to three classes).

So what is the German government going to do about all of this? That’s hard to say. But I have a sneaking suspicion that it won’t be an exception to the rule.

Arbeit gibt’s genug. Bloß nicht lange.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:16:26 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Take my assets. Please.

I watched this way cool German TV show called “Money Coach” the other night. At least I think that’s what it was called (can’t find a link). You know, where these families have gone out of control with their money and keep falling further and further into debt and can’t climb out on their own anymore (sound familiar, my fellow Americans?).

Anyway, this money expert coach guy then appears out of nowhere like in I Dream of Jeannie or something and puts the hurts on their spending habits and these folks suddenly realize just how poor they really are and thank the guy profusely and then see him to the door and live happily ever after, sort of.

Well, I couldn’t help but think of Berlin while watching this show. Stop laughing. Why the hell not? The Berlin city government just needs to hire an outsider like that to come in and look at their books (like Dave’s buddy Murray did) and he’ll make the hard decisions and all of these wonderful cultural institutions won’t have to be auctioned off after all and in the end the Vice President becomes the Mayor of Berlin like he should have been the whole time and everything fads to black.

I think it might work. But can you imagine that first conversation?

“Okay. Let me get this straight. You have a 60 billion euro debt and pay 2.5 billion in interest alone. You’ve been accumulating this debt ever since the end of the Cold War, after the money coming in from West Germany dried up, but you've never done anything about stopping it. You have one of the highest unemployment rates of any German city and everyone is convinced that it's going to stay that way. You have twice as many civil servants and other administrators as you could ever possibly use but won’t make any cuts here. You have three (3) major universities, three (3) major opera houses, dozens of theaters and a number of symphony orchestras that you subsidize.

Wow. That last part is really impressive. What a cultural showcase you have here. Goodness gracious. Have you considered trying eBay?”

3… 2…1… meins!

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:50:45 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Germans no longer punctilious, humourless and bureaucratic

While holding yet another punctilious, humorless and bureaucratic pep talk lecture, German foreign minister Frank Steinmeier has announced that Germans are no longer punctilious, humorless and bureaucratic.

“These are all a bunch of meaningless stereotypes that have nothing to do with reality,” said the fusty minister to the scrupulously correct and well-behaved audience, who suddenly seemed at a loss as to how best react to this comment. One guy in the back row even considered raising his hand to ask for a second but thankfully, the minister went on before he could.

“We are not a bunch of soul-searching robots on some therapist’s couch somewhere. Just think of the World Cup! We Germans have learned to laugh, sometimes even at ourselves. “And besides,” he continued. “How could we all fit on that therapist’s couch at the same time anyway? Ha, ha.” The crowd took the cue and began laughing wildly at this clearly humorous comment for two to three seconds before stopping abruptly so the minister could continue.

“And that is why I have come here today to ask you all to read this bestselling book by Matthias Matussek about us Germans and why the others could be fond of us. It is called: We Germany - Why the Others Could Be Fond of Us.”

“No. Not now!” he then snapped, seeing that the entire audience had immediately opened up the promotional copies of the book handed out to them beforehand and were now all reading meticulously. “We are still im Dienst (at work),” he grumbled. “Read this book at home, of course. Bitte.”

Ob das alles seine Richtigkeit hat?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 09:09:27 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Brain drain blame game

Germany is apparently losing more of its best young brains (and all of the other parts that go along with them) than previously assumed. One could argue that 2005 wasn’t the best of years here, but it certainly must have been better than 1954. And yet the numbers of predominantly young people leaving the country in 2005 (145,000) now rivals those of that bygone era.

And while industry representatives are sounding the alarm and blaming the usual suspects; the high taxes, social costs, and high wages which make it difficult to easily create new jobs, as well as the big problems with the education system everyone is so obsessed with these days, SPD politicians are putting the blame right back on German industry itself. They believe that these people have to leave the country because industry here won’t offer them any jobs, although they could.

The SPD, and pretty much every other political party out there for that matter, believe that German employers simply aren’t being verantwortlich (responsible) enough and are vainly attempting to appeal to their conscience, as if that could ever achieve anything. This is utter nonsense, of course. The political caste is still filled with those who seem to believe that Germany is alone in the world and can keep its little amusement park running on indefinitely as is.

The people leaving now know this and are not amused (that’s why they’re leaving). And one day, once the amusement park finally gets renovated (a real renovation) they, or others like them, will come back.

Das ist ein richtiges Volksfest hier.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:37:18 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Monday, October 23, 2006

Schröder’s new book to be distributed in all German hotel rooms

Talk about Revelations, ex-Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder seems to be born-again (boring-again?) and has written a new book that’s just bursting with juicy gossip about his time on the top and his talks with George W. Bush. His critical handling of the American President has already guaranteed him pre-orders of somewhere in the order of three bazillion. And that’s just in Germany alone.

Not satisfied with this response, however, the ex-once-a-politician-always-a-politician has unveiled even more ambitious plans. Once the big sales are in, he hopes to also have "The Book", as he calls it, distributed “in the human traffic lanes and streams of everyday life” (hotel rooms, beer gardens, liquor stores, Starbucks etc.) and through this get the gospel out there to the highest number of followers possible.

This intellectual masterpiece is filled with telling observations about his troubled relationship with the American President. Bush’s religious talk caused Schröder’s hair to stand on end, for instance. Literally, I mean. And boils and welts appeared on his skin and he started frothing about the mouth and had this strange sensation that something reptilian was trying to break free from inside of his stomach cavity. You know, those same kind of sensations most Germans get whenever they come too close to a church.

Schröder writes: "Anyone who tries to legitimize political decisions that way (in dialogue with God) simply cannot allow these decisions to be changed through criticism or an exchange of ideas."

How right he is. No wonder his encounters with someone like Bush made his skin crawl. Imagine making decisions that cannot be changed again later once someone starts criticizing them? That’s unthinkable. Well it is here.

So don’t waste your time and try and pre-order "The Book" now, you hesitated too long and the first batch is all sold out. But don’t worry, just be a little patient and you’ll probably be able to leaf through it in your hotel room during your next business trip.

Lasst uns lesen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 


PS: Thanks for the "approval" link, Joe.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:50:05 | Permanent Link | Comments (12) |

Sunday, October 22, 2006

The Third Mann

The current “underclass” debate in Germany, and the less than flattering implications it carries for a large number of Germans living in the eastern part of the country, is just the latest manifestation of the nation’s obsession with bad news. This “new” subclass (it’s always been here, of course) is said to have resigned to its fate and can’t find its way on its own.

That others from the East, albeit with a much more fortunate background, not only find their way alone but also occasionally have phenomenal success doing so, seems to be a news item that the general public has little interest in. Exceptions to the rule are just that, so the thinking, and therefore can’t be of any relevance to the suffering masses. Or can they doch?

At any rate, Google’s recent $1.65 billion purchase of YouTube put the company’s two founders Chad Hurley and Steven Chen in the international limelight. And rightly so, everybody loves a good American dream story come true now and again. But YouTube’s third founder didn’t come in from the cold into the limelight until a few days later. And lo and behold, it turns out that Jawed Karim is a German citizen, born in Merseburg, in the good-old-bad-old DDR.

Karim’s eighteen second film of a zoo elephant was the first film to be uploaded to YouTube way back when on April 23, 2005. A few more have followed since then (around 100 million get handled a day). But no, that’s not enough. He has to add insult to injury. This guy’s illustrious career actually began somewhere else altogether: His first job was starting up a little company called PayPal. And they say lightening never strikes twice. He’s 27.

Ironically, Karim’s family (his father was originally from Bangladesh) left Germany in 1992 after the infamous post-Wall racist incidents in Hoyerswerda, Rostock and Mölln; not the first time that Ausländerfeindlichkeit (hatred of foreigners) has led to the brain drain from one country and to the benefit of another. That’s entrepreneurial power that Germany could be using right now, too (should we Americans say thanks to Germany now or later?).

So does the German Karim’s American dream offer a model for the “underclass” problem in Germany? Of course it doesn’t (we can’t mandate miraculous good fortune yet). Not directly, anyway. But maybe the third man’s journey suggests a third way for those with less good fortune: If your family can’t offer you the background and the help you need, and the state certainly can’t, maybe it’s time to set aside the resignation and start helping yourself instead.

Hmmm. Was mache ich als nächstes?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro. 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:46:17 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Saturday, October 21, 2006

What are neighbors for?

Native neighbors are always looking after one another. And looking, and looking, and looking. Sometimes though, they even handeln (act). Like this Witzbold (jokester) guy up in Schleswig-Holstein who got caught ordering practically anything he could think of – for his next door neighbor.

He contacted 35 different companies and ordered everything from heating oil to a moving company to a plumber who came to roto-root this guy's toilet (okay, they don’t have Roto-Rooter here, but they should). So the next door neighbor starts losing sleep and resorts to drug use and eventually probably starts hearing voices (out of the toilet?) and the whole nine yards.

Known for being a laugh-a-minute kinda fella around the whole neighborhood I’m sure, this Nervensäge (“nerve saw” as in pain in the ass) guy then went on to reject the fine the police gave him as being unconstitutional and took his case to Karlsruhe (the German high court) so he could “nerve saw” there for awhile. But it looks like the judges must not have slept well the night before (trouble with their neighbors?) and they politely asked him to shut the hell up and pay the fine already.

Personally, I can understand the guy. I know the area. There’s not a whole lot to do up there this time of year. Come to think of it, there’s not a lot to do up there any time of year.

Man muss ab und zu auch handeln.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit! 

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:20:59 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |
1 2 3 4