Observing Hermann...

The clock is ticking. There are just twenty-four or so more hours to go. Then all hell breaks loose. The natives just love to blow up fireworks on New Year’s Eve you see and they’re already starting to lose it. It’s all this pent-up aggression that has to get out or something, says Hermann.

They go ape and spend a fortune on this stuff and their eyes get all teary and their pulses start pumping in anticipation and they prepare all the big honker rockets out on the balcony hours before midnight and basically go out of their way to ignore any and all of the vernunftige (reasonable) warnings their zuständige Behörden (responsible officials) try to give them – for once (otherwise they seem to gladly do whatever they’re told).

Yes, there are actually people in this country responsible for telling you how to blow up firecrackers. There’s the Bundesanstalt für Materialforschung (The Federal Office for Material Research), for instance. They put little stamps on the fireworks they’ve given their okay to and put out little warnings every year like: “Don’t hold the firecracker in your hand while it’s exploding!” or “Shut your windows as not to let errant fireworks fly inside!” (How else are you going to toss them out at the innocent bystanders on the street?) or “Children should only be allowed to set off Gefahrenklasse I (danger class I) fireworks!” (Paper hats or what?) or “Wear ear plugs to prevent damage to your hearing!” (I swear they recommend this!) or “Place your rockets in an empty bottle before firing!” (Show me the guy who puts one in a filled bottle!) or, my favorite, “Beware of Polish fireworks!”

Those evil Poles again. Sure, they may mix a little dynamite in there from time to time, but hey, no risk no fun. Six tons of illegal Polish fireworks were confiscated by the Berliner Polizei last night, the Spielverderber (party-poopers). That won’t be stopping us, though. Hermann knows this Jeri guy over in Kreuzberg and we’re heading there tonight.

Oh yeah, my New Year’s Eve warning: Do not ever put a Polish rocket in any kind of bottle, empty or full, at any time whatsoever.

PS: The abbreviation for the Bundesanstalt für Materialforschung here is BAM. 

Polen-Böller? Die sind ja nur bedingt lebensgefährlich!

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In yet another "no politically-motivated act", good ole’ everyday Yemeni folks like you and me (I guess) have kidnapped (borrowed?) former German deputy foreign minister Jürgen Chrobog and his family while they were visiting Yemen upon invitation of a high government official there. Chrobog was also the German ambassador to the from 1995 to 2001, by the way.

Although these, eh, tribesmen are not political in any way, they are doing this to force the release of other tribesmen friends of theirs in prison who are also perfectly harmless and in no way political, either. Ironically, Herr Chrobog helped secure the release of a dozen or so German tourists taken hostage in two years ago. It’s a small world, isn’t it?

The German Foreign Ministry is now actually considering perhaps maybe warning its citizens that Yemen, one of the poorest countries on earth and famous for its national sport of kidnapping foreigners for ransom, like I said that Yemen is maybe not the best place to go on vacation at the moment.

Wait a minute, has Osthoff of Arabia been informed about this (or has she already been kidnapped again)? She’s an insider when it comes to these strange, foreign ways and perhaps she might be able to help them out down there with their “negotiations”.

Ob Susanne Osthoff schon ein Deutsches Kulturzentrum in Jemen aufgebaut hat?

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The natives have this end-of-the-year-tradition sort of. Ever since 1972 the GfdS, die Gesellschaft für deutsche Sprache (The German Language Society) announces its “word of the year”. The words are selected with regard to what is seen to be their relevance in native society for that given year. And the winner for 2005 is…

Bundeskanzlerin (Chancellor, in the feminine form). Angela Merkel is, of course, the first woman Chancellor but it was not a given that the word Chancellor would also be “feminized”. Yet it was, that is, it is and now she’s number one on that list, too.

My personal favorite is the phrase of the year, however: “Wir sind Papst!” “We are the Pope!” It’s basically an allusion to soccer, you know, like as in “we are the champions” or something. But it’s kind of controversial sort of because a few folks got offended by it and hurt feelings and all that. But, hey, then again, a few folks always do. Get offended and get their feelings hurt, I mean. It’s their job or something.

So I gottcha word of the year right here, folks. But I’m keeping it to myself. For now.

"Wir sind Bundeskanzlerin" wäre auch nicht schlecht gewesen.

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Susanne Osthoff (the German archeologist hostage lady) is unbezahlbar (priceless). Although the German government may not see it quite that way (they obviously paid a fortune for her release). But wait, there’s much more. The plot keeps on thickening and I just can’t get enough. It’s kind of like Lost, only much less realistic. Let me recap what has happened so far...

Episode One: She wants to help victims less fortunate than herself and goes off on a private goodwill mission to help organize, among other things, the construction of a German cultural center (Iraq is apparently in desperate need of more German culture). After having been clearly warned by her government (and others – guess who?) not to do so, she goes anyway and gets her idealistic little self kidnapped.

Episode Two: The German government does not absolutely does not in anyway possible even once ever consider paying a huge ransom to the criminals and/or terrorists to obtain her release much less actually ever get around to actually paying it. They just organized her release because they are REALLY good negotiators or something.

Episode Three: After having been released, she refuses to return home. She was too stressed out to have anything to do with the government that paid her ransom, I mean, negotiated her release. She desperately needed a little rest and relaxation instead and went to a well-known vacation paradise called Jordan.

Episode Four: In her first public appearance (where else but on Al-Dschasira?) she declares to anyone still willing to listen that she will soon be returning to Iraq to continue her work there. Her “kidnappers were not criminals” (thank goodness!) and the “life” she spent with them “was much better than the one lived in many other places I have visited there”.

The German government is unhappy about her comments for some reason.

And episode five? My guess is that she’s going to try and unite some warring Arab tribes and organize an uprising against the oppressive Ottoman Empire during World War I.

Diese Frau ist wirklich unbezahlbar.

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The natives like to drink Glühwein (a warm red wine punch) during the Christmas season. Something must have been in the spices they were using this year, though.

A survey taken by the Emnid Institute, a branch of the international Gallup group (Süddeutsche Zeitung 24-26 December, 2005) indicates that the natives are looking more optimistic about their future. Of all of the 70 countries surveyed last year, Germany got first place in pessimism. But this year they have dropped down to midfield. 31% of the natives surveyed expect a general decline in 2006, but 29% of them have a more optimistic view. 

This is all relative, of course. When it comes to optimism in general, they still lag far behind the British (42%) and the Americans (51%) but have now passed up the Italians and the French.

68% of the natives surveyed believe that their jobs are safe. 57% are worried about rising unemployment (68% last year). 15% expect economic improvement (6% last year). And 31% are concerned about war and terror (41% in 2004).

I don’t find any of these numbers particularly impressive, but hey, it’s a start.

Aller Anfang ist schwer.

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And here's more about German wines, if you're interested.

Technorati: Germany 

‘Twas die Nacht before Weihnacht, and all through das Haus, nicht ein creature was stirring, nicht mal ‘ne Maus. The Strümpfe were hung on the chimney with care, in hope… ob der Weihnachtsmann bald da sein wär? Die Kinder were nestled gemütlich im Bett, while visions of Zuckerpflaumen danced durch their heads. Und Mama in her ‘kerschief, und ich in my cap, hatten gerad settled in für ‘nen langen winter’s nap. Der Mond on the breast of the neu gefallenen snow gave a luster of mittags to the objects below, when etwas meinen erstaunten Augen suddenly did appear, ein winziger sleigh, and eight tiny rein-deer. With a little old Fahrer so lebendig and quick, ich wußte sofort he musste be St. Nick. Noch schneller as eagles his coursers they kamen, and he whistled und schrie und called them by Namen: “Jetzt, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Jetzt, Prancer and Vixen! Auf, Comet! On, Cupid! Auf, Donder und Blixen! To the top of the porch! Hop, auf die wall! Now wegdashen! Wegdaschen! Dash away, all!” Wie leaves, daß before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet mit einem obstacle, mount up to the sky. So auf über the house-top the coursers they flew, mit the sleigh voller toys and St. Nicholas, too. Und dann in a twinkling, I heard auf dem roof, the prancing and pawing von each kleinem hoof. Als ich in my Kopf drew, und was turning around, runter vom chimney St. Nicholas kam mit einem bound. He was dressed ganz in fur, von seinem Kopf to his foot, und seine clothes were all tarnished mit Asche and soot. A bundle of toys hatte er flung on his back, and he guckte wie ein peddler just opening his pack. Seine eyes how they twinkled! Seine dimples, wie merry! Seine cheeks waren like roses, seine nose wie ‘ne cherry! His droll little Mund was drawn auf wie a bow, and the Bart on his chin war so white wie der snow. The Stumpf of a pipe hielt er tight in seinen teeth. Und der smoke it encircled seinen Kopf wie ein wreath. He had a broad face und einen runden belly, daß shook wenn he lachte, like a bowl voller jelly. He was dicklich und plump, ein recht lustiger old elf, and I laughed als ich sah him in spite of myself. Ein Wink of his eye und ein twist of his head, gab mir zu wissen I had nothing to dread. He sprach nicht ein word, aber went straight to work. And filled all die Strümpfe and turned with a jerk. And laying seinen Finger aside of his nose, und giving einen nod, up the chimney he rose. Er sprang to his sleigh, to his team gab einen whistle, und weg they all flew wie der down of a thistle. But I heard er exclaim vor er flog out of sight – Frohe Weihnacht to all und an alle a GOOD NIGHT!  

I’m in a bit of a bind because I need a little cash. Well, it’s actually a little more than a little. It’s less than a lot but more than a little. And Will’s broke, as usual. It’s complicated. Let me explain.

It’s like this: The natives like to say nein. Sometimes it’s a little nein and sometimes it’s a big nein but, generally speaking, it’s nein. They said nein to the war in Iraq, didn’t they? They said nein to real political reform here, didn’t they (the grand coalition)? They say nein to the closure of old factories. They say nein to the construction of new factories. They say nein to the service industry and service industry thinking and nein to practically any form of new technology out there you can think of. They say nein to low wages. They say nein to high wages or payoffs - if you’re a manager. They say nein to the further extension of the European Union. They would say nein to the EU or its constitution itself if they hadn’t already thought ahead and said nein to the possibility of ever being asked in the first place. Oh yeah, they say nein to the American way of life. But they say nein to the German way of life at the same time.

And that’s what makes all of this about the little cash I need so complicated. I’m considering asking Hermann if he’ll loan me some. 

Bei Geld hört die Freundschaft auf.

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Wow (pronounced “vow”)! The natives have this new and super-original way-cool show called Alles Außer Sex (Anything But Sex). It’s this, chuckle-chuckle, comedy about these four sexy and super-sophisticated big-German-city-women exploring the world of dating, relationships and, duh, sex! Like I said, vow.

Damn (pronounced damn). It looks like they beat us to the draw on this one, Carrie Bradshaw.

Sogar die Sendezeit ist die gleiche wie früher.  

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Gee honey, I thought they’d never leave. What do you mean they’re still here??

First came the Italians. Then the Spanish and the Portuguese showed up. Then the Greeks and the Turks and the Yugoslavs and… hey, wait a cotton-pickin minute! There are even Americans here now!

It was 50 years ago this week that the natives were in the middle of their famous Wirtschaftswunder (economic miracle) thang and didn’t have enough manpower to make all of that cool stuff that everybody wanted to buy from them – back then. Political agreements were reached with neighboring countries ("Der Vertrag mit Rom", for example) and Gastarbeiter (guest workers) started rolling in by the thousands (remember that the important word here is “guest”). The natives assumed (and you know what happens when you ass-u-me something, right?) that these folks would eventually want to go back home again someday already. That was a false assumption, of course.

There was never any real thought put into integration and Germany has to this day yet to take that big step to becoming what one could call an Immigrationsland (immigration land). 

So there we have it. Now the 6.7 million Gastarbeiter and their Nachkommen (descendents) just won’t leave (about 8 percent of the population, by the way). And the natives have tried all the usual tricks, too.

You know: “Yawn, yawn. Oh man, I really have to get up early tomorrow morning,” or “Wow! It’s really gotten late, hasn’t it?” Nothing seems to work. They’re still spread out on the sofa drinking native beer and waiting for the next DVD.

Max Frisch: “Wir riefen Arbeitskräfte, und es kamen Menschen.”

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Susanne Osthoff, the recently purchased (oops) I mean, released native hostage is now apparently refusing to return to Germany. Informed Iraqi sources have informed informative native informants that she is in fact holding out for an undisclosed six-figure figure before possibly considering a short vacation home maybe.

“The Christmas season can be very stressful up there in Germany,” our informant tells us, “and Frau Osthoff is momentan total ausgepowered (completely burned-out at the moment) and the weather up there really sucks this time of year too you know and she is not on the best terms with her family anymore either so she’s going to stay here a bit longer if not indefinitely, unless of course...”, he said,  interrupted temporarily by a nearby car bombing, “unless, of course, the German government is finally prepared to put something a little more substantial on the table… this time.”

“Zis in not at all uncommon,” later commented famed Near East expert Peter Scholl-Latour who has consistently been voll daneben (off the mark) with every prediction he has ever made about anything ever, “Most freed hostages are reluctant to return to a life of calm and zecurity after such an exciting experience. Und about zis payoff polemic. It is common knowledge that everyone pays ransom…”

Frau Osthoff was not immediately available for comment on any of this but has let it be known that her agent is now taking calls.

“Eigentlich zahlen alle.”

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