Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Germans conquering America again for the first time already or something

Only they’re trying to do it with music this time. You know, in the long tradition of Bach, Beethoven, Heino and all that? Sorry Freunde (buds), but it ain’t-a-gonna happen.



And I don’t care if the lead singer looks like Hermine from the Harry Potter movies (the first or second one maybe) only all in black and an evil-type version of her even though he’s actually a dude, although probably not quite officially yet because I think he’s just ten. Kids these days.

That’s right. Germany’s Tokio Hotel hopes to expand it’s "already-rabid fanbase” and make it big in America (and not in Japan first as you might think), once they’re big, that is. And some Americans are actually helping them, dad gum it, but like now already. They just went on Conan O’Brian for crying out loud, for instance. What is that?

It’s not that I don’t like their music or anything it’s just that I don’t like their music or anything (as if I could). They should go back to the hotel in Tokio where they started out (its spelled Tokyo by the way, Jungs, or can be) or Buxtehude or Entenhausen or wherever it is they came from as long as it’s nowhere near Berlin, and leave my country alone.

And work on your German while you’re at it. That’s right, I said German. Their English isn’t all that bad.

"That German band with the weird lead-singer chick."

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

PS: Thanks for the androgeny link, Joe.

 
Posted by clarsonimus at 17:55:02 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Du bist nichts als Hound Dog


alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/AzZF78IhRbg

PS: Thanks for the Big Mama Thornton link, Indeterminacy.
Posted by clarsonimus at 19:44:06 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Friday, April 18, 2008

Mozart goes underground

Well, actually he already was, already. But Berliners just don’t want to leave him in peace or let him rest in such and it kind of goes a little like this: There’s this subway station in Berlin called Bundestag, which happens to be near the Bundestag, some here call it the Kanzler U-Bahn (the Chancellor’s subway) by the way, although she actually drives, I’m sure, or gets driven, or even occasionally walks, and because this here fancy almost-new station hasn’t quite opened up for business yet some enterprising enterpriser types have decided to “do” the Bundestag subway station and perform The Magic Flute down there.



Everyone is all excited about the big premiere except me, which will take place on the 26th of this month so get your tickets now. No, not BVG subway tickets, these babies are the real i.e. expensive opera kind.

And as you can surely imagine, the artsy opera types involved with the enterprising enterpriser types here, like opera director Christoph Hagel himself, are tickled pink about the production and are convinced, I am sure, that this is actually what Mozart had in mind. Word is that the bird catcher dude Papageno will actually be a garbage collecter this time and that Princess Pamina won’t get abducted but will be caught Schwarzfahren (riding black as in not paying) and arrested by a cop instead. I hope it’s going to be Berliner cop at least. That would make it even more realistic or something.

Or as Hagel has put it: “The queen of the night whiles away in the subway tunnels, symbolizing the big city dweller’s dreams of all that is underground and the sinister things that go on down there.” Damn. Talk about sinister. It’s like this guy can read my friggin’ mind.

Anyway, Mozart would be proud if he weren’t so dead and did you know, by the way, that The Magic Flute is closely associated with Freemasonry so maybe this is all some kind of sinister and elaborate underground plot? Just think about that one long and hard for a while. I sure didn't.

I’ve got your magic flute for you right here.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 17:58:54 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Monday, April 14, 2008

Oslo-cut as it gets

Damn. It looks like there’s more to the German Chancellor than I thought.



While once representing her nation,
Chancellor Merkel caused quite a sensation,
She raised a few eyes while those looking surmised,
That she’ll never need breast augmentation.

And nobody uddered a word, or what?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit!

PS: Thanks for the Hillary cleavage analysis link, Volker.
Posted by clarsonimus at 16:50:54 | Permanent Link | Comments (9) |

Friday, April 11, 2008

Thou shalt not use his moustache in vain

Damn. First it was my guitar wants to kill your mama and now it’s my mama wants to kill your guitar.



Frank Zappa’s widow Gail is suing the organisers of the German open-air Zappanale, now in its nineteenth year, claiming that the organizers must cough up $400,000 for the right to use her husband's name and his trademarked (by her) moustache/goatee combo or else. She even wants a statue of Zappa in Bad Doberan, the small town in which the festival is held, to be removed. Huh? Whatever. The Germans really are crazy about Frank Zappa, I guess.

Come on, Gail. I am the slime (as in you), or what? You are absolutely free to do this, of course, but these guys can’t afford no shoes as it is already so wake up from your overnight sensation and drop the cosmic debris and stop pretending you’re Debra Kadabra or whoever and go out and get your cheap thrills somewhere else because it can’t happen here.

And actually it has happened here, for the past nineteen years like I said, so why haven’t you said anything up until now? Like lighten up already and put on some tunes for a while. But this time you ought to skip Freak Out! maybe.

“Nothing is all I want, a true Zen saying.”

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:53:50 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Those were the days

Or maybe they weren’t. Although most Germans probably don’t even know who the Red Baron was, the ones who do know also know, instinctively or otherwise, that they aren’t supposed to like him.



He was a so-called war hero, after all. And he was a German one, too. Worse still, he was one of those aristocrat types and therefore a class enemy and on the wrong side of history and all that. And to make matters even worse, some even claim that he was actually an emotional and sensitive and chivalrous man and not at all the cold-blooded killer all so-called war hero types like himself invariably have to be, German or not, past, present or future.

So when a “taboo-breaking” German film about the famous First World War flying ace Manfred von Richthofen premiered in Berlin the other night and nobody really cared, well, the filmmakers were understandably disappointed. In a country that ritually displays its revulsion to war, one could have hoped for at least a little controversy or anti-war protest or something, but, like I said, nobody seemed to care.

You can’t count on anybody these days, I guess. An action drama with a German war hero just doesn’t get anybody’s blood pressure up (anymore? did it ever?). I guess this guy is just too much of an historical figure to be much of a threat. Maybe it would have worked out better if they would have filmed the dog fights in Afghanistan and billed it as science fiction instead.

“Boy, that was fun!”

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 02:38:19 | Permanent Link | Comments (6) |

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Scottish expert reconstructs Bach’s face without his permission

After many experts at first mistakenly assumed that the face actually belonged to that strange old fat broad neighbor lady from downstairs, Scottish forensic scientist Kate Connolly has confirmed that the face she just reconstructed in Germany is none other than the one that once belonged to the legendary and long dead baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach.



Using Bach’s death mask, a “laser”, and other super-ultra-mega-modern technology, Connolly not only reconstructed the face in record time, she and those who hired her made good on their threat and have now unveiled it to the public, as well. Already having reconstructed the faces of Pharaoh Ramses II and Santa Claus (some call him Saint Nicholas), she is confident that Bach’s new face is 70% accurate.

“Like, this is likely the most likely likeness of someone like Bach the world has ever known,” a spokesman for the group of mad scientists at the Bach Haus museum in Eisenach near Berlin said. “You like?”

Rumor has it that Connolly, thoroughly disgusted by the result of the project, has rushed back to Scotland where she can now get back to more upbeat and criminal investigative work.

She went bach to the basics.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro.

Posted by clarsonimus at 06:35:14 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Europeans eat Hollywood’s lunch

So let me get this straight: Englishman Daniel Day-Lewis and Frenchwoman Marion Cotillard get the best actor/actress awards, Spaniard Javier Bardem and Scotswoman Tilda Swinton get the best supporting actor/actress awards, Italien Dario Maranelli wins the best film music and then, even the best foreign film goes to a foreign Austrian-German-(place three or four other random European countries here) production filmed right here in Babelsberg bei Berlin?



Like what the hell is that? Only the Coen brothers managed to hold up our flag with a modicum of self-respect and even they are probably from Brooklyn or some other semi-foreign place like that. Okay then, they're from Minnesota. But that's almost Canada.

I’ve never been as shocked while not watching the annual Academy Awards presentation shown in the middle of the night over here and than reading about it the next morning as I was this year. But I guess I wasn’t the only one. Not watching, I mean. At least now we know why nobody was watching. Europeans in Hollywood? Like how gauche is that?

Früher fand die Verleihung der europäischen Filmpreise in Europa statt.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:11:55 | Permanent Link | Comments (5) |

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Zappen


alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/Js6ra5cUaqY
Posted by clarsonimus at 08:56:35 | Permanent Link | Comments (6) |

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Don’t hate me just because I’m beautiful

Germans appear to have a real problem with Heidi Klum. And not just the women, either. As attested to in an article concerning her visit to a German talk show (excuse me, Talkshow) last night, not only is she a “fearsome and cold clone” comprised of something called “German discipline and the American will for advancement” (igitt! as in yuk!) and disgustingly successful in practically everything she does, the 34-year-old glamour “girl” was also just elected Top Model (that’s Topmodel over here) with the Most Sex Appeal (you guessed it, that’s Sexappeal in German). And to add insult to injury, this mega-model mother of all models is the mother of three children, as well. And I’m not even going to mention that compassionate Britney Spears number she just pulled off the other day. Oops, too late.



Now I can think of a lot of words for Heidi Klum, but “fearsome” and “cold” are definitely not two of them. I think I know what her real problem is: She likes herself despite all of her flaws. Uh, or lack of them, I should say. She’s childishly upbeat, relaxed and totally can-do. She’s way too American, in other words. How could the Germans like her? But you go girl, anyway. Run with it, Heidi baby.

I know what German television viewers really want when it comes to successful super model Americans like Heidi Klum: Unsuccessful ones like Bruce. And more drama, baby. Lots more drama.

"Heidi, wieso sehen deine Models alle so dünn aus?"

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:03:10 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |
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