Thursday, May 15, 2008

World’s third biggest weapons exporter worried about world’s growing military expenditures

Well, not really. Not unless those expenditures stay steady for American or Russian weapons, that is.

Germans don’t like to talk about it or anything because it’s a bit taboo and a deep and dark family secret or something (not) and they are such militant pacifists after all and we all know that they would like nothing better than to rid the world of weapons forever, don’t we? But when it comes to exporting weapons, I just got to tell you, they really rock.

At least that’s what a survey conducted by the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute (SIPRI) would have us believe (and we all know how shady those Swedes can be – think “neutrality” during World War II). Anyway, the survey says that the USA, Russia and Germany are the world’s leading weapons exporters, with Germany’s latest weapons export piece of the pie profits coming in at around $3.395 billion. Damn, just think of all the ploughshares you could buy with that.

All I can say is that it’s good to know that all of these German weapons are being used for goodness and niceness and purely defensive purposes (did you know that Wehrmacht meant defensive force?), not like some other countries’ weapons out there, if you know what I’m sayin’. Otherwise a whole lot of people in this country wouldn’t be able to sleep well at night.

Geld stinkt nicht.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

Posted by clarsonimus at 18:25:22 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Friday, May 02, 2008

Euro Schmoyro

If you ask most Germans, and I wouldn’t if I were you, they will tell you that they want to have the Berlin Wall back. They also want the Sandmann, the World Cup, cheaper beer and gasoline, snow in the winter and Sabine Christiansen back, too (ich will, Anne Will, we all will). They will also tell you that they want Tempelhof Airport back and it isn’t even gone yet, but that’s another story. Well tough tooties, people. You can’t have them. It’s over. Move on.



And now they come at you heuldend (whining) about wanting to have their money back, too. Their old German as in Deutsche Mark currency money, I mean. Actually, they’ve wanted it back ever since it was yanked away from their cold and clutching fingers thirty or forty years ago or whenever it was and have made no secret about it ever since. The word on the street is, unreliable as it is, that consumer prices basically doubled here with the introduction of the euro and everybody’s still mad as hell about it and isn’t going to take it anymore (that prices here in Germany are greatly lower than in other neighboring countries is something they are either not aware of or don’t care about).

Not only that, lots of these new fangled euro coins and bills are from other European Euroland countries other than Deutschland ITSELF and this appears to make Germans nervous or suspicious or something, having to carry around somebody else’s foreign money like that, I mean. Unless they are coin collectors or something, of course.

In other words, who cares what the Germans think? They are the last to give a you-know-what about whatever it is Germans are complaining about at the moment themselves. They don’t take any of this moaning stuff seriously themselves, in other words. So why should you? Oh, you don't either? Damn. Then you could live here, too.

And überhaupt (and anyway), what’s so bad about the euro? They ought to see how far they get tying to spend dollars these days instead.

Je oller, je dollar.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:12:11 | Permanent Link | Comments (5) |

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Is Germany running out of wind?

It’s bad enough for a straight-A wind energy Musterschuler (model student) like Germany to suddenly fall back to fifth place in class (at least when it comes to the number of turbines installed last year, that is), but to be passed up in the process by the Mother of all Umweltsünder (environmental sinners), the United States of America herself, well, that’s about enough to knock the wind out of you, as in them, which is of course what it did.



It seems that new turbine installations in Germany have dropped a full 25 percent in the past few months, primarily due to subsidies that the government doesn’t want to pay anymore. So you see, for all of the loud talk about new breakthrough technology and wave of the future and the next big export industry thing and saving the planet, blah, blah, money, it seems, makes the turbine go round after all. If these windmills don’t get subsidized here, they don’t get built. At least not for now, they don’t.

But I have confidence that Germany’s wind ideologues will be back up on their feet to be blown off them again in no time. After all, when it comes to energy policy, there is only one thing Germany has more of than wind, and that’s hot air.

“Wer Wind sät, wird Flaute ernten.”

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

PS: Thanks for the global change link, EuroYank.

Posted by clarsonimus at 17:13:01 | Permanent Link | Comments (23) |

Friday, March 07, 2008

The next useless Bundeswehr debate in early this week

Or at least it seems to me like they have to start up one of these ridiculous German army “issues” every week around here these days. As if German soldiers didn’t have enough to worry about already; weight problems from not doing any combat, psychological problems from not doing any combat. Now these soldiers are going to have to worry about being awarded a medal for bravery while not doing any combat, too.



That’s right. Someone has seriously proposed the reintroduction of the Iron Cross 2.0 as a military decoration for “outstanding bravery” during the course of, uh, something, but it won’t be war.

This outrageous proposal has gotten everybody all hot and bothered, of course, but not for the reason you might think. Everyone here is outraged because of that German militarism thang and because, well, that’s what everyone here is paid to do. It’s hilarious, really. A heated debate about a reference to a medal (that everybody knows won’t be reintroduced) originating in the Napoleonic era that was then defecated upon by Hitler and co. (just like everything else) at a time when the Germany Army no longer exists, not practically anyway.

I’m waiting for that day when one of those smart Germans out there (and there really are a lot of them, you know) starts up a debate about a real issue like the fact that the only reason the German army exists today is to legitimize the mega-lucrative German weapons industry. I may have to wait a while on that one, though. Like until the next Napoleonic era comes.

This is so typically German, in other words. Just like the Iron Cross once was (long, long ago in a galaxy far away). Start a discussion about introducing a medal for honor and bravery for an army that is systematically denied the opportunity to demonstrate either. German schizophrenia pur (pure), I’d say. But that’s typically German, too. So let the debate begin!

Damals waren Befreiungskriege noch Befreiungskriege.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Selbstverständlich.

PS: Thanks for the air tanker link, Joe.
Posted by clarsonimus at 06:56:20 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Discounter Products


alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/mjodVwMBRIM
Posted by clarsonimus at 08:03:36 | Permanent Link | Comments (6) |

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Prince Albert bullied in Berlin

Prince Albert of Monaco, his arm still aching after having been so violently bent behind his royal back, agreed through clenched and smiling teeth to improve the cooperation between his country and Berlin in Germany’s newly-declared unilateral and preemptive War on Tax Fraud.



Summoned to Berlin by a grumpy and frumpy Chancellor Angela Merkel, Albert was made an offer “I just couldn’t and wouldn’t and even didn’t refuse” and agreed to start negotiations on a bilateral agreement between the countries’ tax authorities which will likely end in the removal of his itsy bitsy principality from the OECD’s blacklist of “uncooperative countries in tax matters” or else face war with Germany, whatever comes first.

This list of bad egg countries, often referred to here in Berlin as the Coalition of the Unwilling, also includes Liechtenstein and Andorra. Liechtenstein is already in Arbeit (in the works) and as soon as Andorra can be located, its prince or duke or great uncle or whatever the hell it is will be summoned to Berlin, too.

The government of the United States is keeping a close eye on this very tense situation as the Americans want to finally figure out what the secret is to getting Germany all hot and bothered like this with regards to maybe one or two other pressing international issues already. And after all, Prince Albert is the son of Grace Kelly so lighten up a bit there, Angie. We’ve done a little research on your past and you don’t want us to go public with this now, do you?

Wer ist hier in Andorra Staatsoberhaupt überhaupt?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klaro.

PS: Unfreekingbelievable, Jolly Roger.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:35:02 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |

Saturday, February 23, 2008

BE all you can BE

And BE sure that BErlin BEelieves that this is the least it can do, or BE, or BE doing, I should say. The BEroke Weeny City’s not-yet-brand-new-top-secret-but-we-know-all-about-it-anyway-already marketing mission statement “Be Berlin” is about to get released and turn everything around in this upside down town. I don’t know about you, but just hearing the words “Be Berlin” makes me want to got out there and join something or do whatever it is you’re supposed to do upon hearing the words “Be Berlin”. You know, kind of like this old tried and tested marketing slogan did:

alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/QplWbNg57h4&rel=1

Well, we are all certainly going to be able to sleep a whole better here at night (or whenever it is Berliners go to sleep) now knowing that the city can’t be all that broke after all. They’ve got money for this, don’t they? And I’m sure they’ll also be getting a cut on all the “Be Berlin” t-shirt sales, too. Oops, I mean TEE-shirts.

10,6 Millionen Euro sind eine Menge T-Shirts.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

PS: And speaking of BEing all you can BE, how about Europe BEing dependent upon the Russian oil mafia (follow-up from below)? Thanks, Joe.
Posted by clarsonimus at 07:58:51 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Friday, February 22, 2008

Eat the rich but tax them first

The latest German them-up-there-and-poor-us-down-here outrage over The Case of the Liechtenstein Tax Oasis has reached its illogical conclusion for the moment, with the usual suspects like the Chancellor either calling on Liechtenstein to “quickly clear up” its act or the ever loud and loony left calling for the building of barricades and for free beer and non-violent fighting in the streets or for whatever the hell it is they always call for at a critical time in history like this.



But as a capitalist arch-enemy type over at the Wall Street Journal of all places calmly points out, maybe-perhaps-vielleicht it’s time for Germany to start thinking about cleaning up its own act instead: “Germany's progressive income tax system, with a top marginal rate of 47.5%, pretends to be fair and just but its complexity actually smothers justice. The thousands of pages of tax law and myriads of exemptions are baffling. Citizens can never be sure whether they may pay too much by mistake or have exploited all available loopholes. This undermines public confidence in the fairness of a system that invites people to be creative with their tax forms -- rewarding the clever and punishing the honest.”

He means well, of course, but I pity the fool. I pity this poor fool for thinking that anything fundamental or structural or systematic or whatever it is you want to call it can ever really fundamentally, structurally or systematically change in this country. His musing about here is more of a waste of time than he will ever be able to possibly imagine, at least when it comes to anything as byzantine as the German tax code.

So while we’re at it, musing about I mean, and now that the SPD is getting erregt (stimulated) at the thought of breaking ranks with the CDU and jumping into bed with the Left party (for now just at the regional level in Hessen, thanks Roland), why don’t the Germans consider getting this grand coalition nonsense over with for good and for all and call for new national elections so they can send the SPD off into the desert where they belong? Then it will be fundamental-structural-systematic change time, folks. Like I said, a big waste of time. That would be too easy. And that would be too hard.

Wer gewinnt den Oskar dieses Jahr?

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Her damit!

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:05:24 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

German tax evaders invade Liechtenstein

In a surprise move to anyone living in Germany with less than five or ten million euros at his or her disposal and who may even have to actually work for a living, reports are rolling in that German armored vehicles filled with money have been rolling into the small, landlocked, quaint, peace-loving alpine principality of Liechtenstein. Of course the really surprising thing is that rich Germans and their money have been rolling into Liechtenstein like this for as long as anyone in the know can remember and why it is that this is suddenly considered to be such an issue right now.



But after what started out last week as an investigation into organized crime lead to discoveries of massive tax evasion and the subsequent fall of one of Germany’s most prominent managers, Germans are all hot and bothered about the latest tale of big time unbridled avarice and greed at the highest of German social levels and will continue to be that way for the next three to four days at least.

German tax investigators, always adept at “organizing” paid informants, have paid an underground contact man type in Liechtenstein more than $7 million (about 300 euros or a really expensive dinner there) to provide them with a CD detailing the bank accounts of hundreds of much too wealthy and most likely way too prominent German citizens whose armored money-transporting vehicles just won't stop invading his country already. They have also promised to give him a new identity, but cheap as they are, this will probably only consist of one of those Groucho Marx glasses with nose and mustache thingies.

The Liechtenstein banking group LGT Treuhand behind the banking part of the scandal, controlled by the country’s royal family by the way (“money doesn’t stink”), has lodged criminal proceedings against the “unknown person rat fink” who is now shaking up their quaint little alpine world. This could maybe even lead to war with Germany or something. And that would definetely not be smart because the German invading part has already taken place and would put those unfair wealthy Germans at an unfair advantage. Again, as usual, I mean.

Geld stinkt doch. Deshalb müssen wir es in Liechtenstein unterbringen.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Klar.

Posted by clarsonimus at 07:31:47 | Permanent Link | Comments (10) |

Friday, January 25, 2008

Dalai Lama out, Beijing Cargo Express in

Tough as Jell-O as usual, the German government has once again “normalized” its relations with China after straining them severely by having had the gall to recently meet with and actually even talk to Tibetan terrorist separatist Buddhist hate monger the Dalai Lama himself. To celebrate the occasion, the Chancellery has made public a photograph of Chancellor Merkel personally showing Mr. Lama to the door.



And to celebrate that, Beijing has graciously allowed a new rail freight service to make its trail run from China to Germany in a mere 15 days. Being more than twice as fast as sea transport, it is believed that this new trans-Siberian line will make trade between Europe and Asia even easier than it is already and help China surpass Germany as the world’s third largest economic power even faster than many Germans had previously hoped.

“They’re going to cream us in no time now,” said one German economist. “We’re basically toast already, you know. But with this new train line getting jabbed into Hamburg like that, well, we might as well just roll over and die.”

It is unclear at this time what products Germany will be allowed to transport back to China on the return trip as the Chinese don’t let just any old product pass their borders. Many hope that at least a few boxcars of foreign criminals will be allowed to get dropped off in Siberia during the train’s journey back home, however.

Viertgrößte Volkswirtschaft der Welt zu sein ist auch was Schönes.

Kommentare auf Deutsch? Logisch.

Posted by clarsonimus at 08:26:04 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |
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